A letter from Jun 1st, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Being home has been really hard. There are so many things that contribute to this. Less independence, sad weather, parent dynamics, not being around friends... So here I am on a Tuesday/Wednesday night/morning at 1:18 am listening to "clean" by Taylor Swift and writing to you as if my future can give me clarity on my present. Let's start with an issue that I am so ashamed of; I hate myself for being mad at Rachel for living her life and having fun. I hate myself for being upset at her for talking about it publically, and I am so mad at myself for thinking it's okay to be mad at her for wanting to tell me how great her life has been recently. My heart is so full of selfishness and jealousy right now it starts to hurt physically. I know that she loves me and holds me dear and as a priority and the only thing I am mad about is that she is having fun without me and my insecure thoughts that she is going to forget and replace me quickly. It's just so hard to watch her live such an amazing life while I am 2,000+ miles away, and knowing that we are;t going to be making any more amazing memories for months and months. I think that's what's been the hardest, knowing that my life will be missing the physical Rachel for so long. God, I am such a petty bitch. Every communication instinct in me wants to be short and snap at her because I want to bring her happiness down to my level of melancholy, I need to get a grip. I wish I could talk to her about it, but I feel like I can't cause I don't want to make her feel bad about living her life to the fullest. I feel so lost right now. I don't know who I am, who I am supposed to be, or who is even meant to be part of my life. I'm just so scared that the one person that I knew I was their first choice is going to start to slowly move me down their list. I just want to be someone's first pick. I want to be worthy of someone wanting me, and choosing me. I don't care if it is romantic or friendship. It just hurts so much knowing that someone doesn't want you in their life anymore (Eliza). God, could I be any more of an Amy? I know that I am probably making up the abandonment in my head and I just need to work on my stability of myself. Having a car is going to help, I can go to the park. Camp will help, I will have a purpose and a place to put my time. Future me, I know that you hold the answers for my now, but I'm also sure you have your own troubles and I truly hope that they solve with ease. Life is just so tiring. Oh lord, mirrorball just started to play, this is a dangerous game I am playing. I'm tired. In so many ways. I am tired of standing on this tightrope hoping that people will look at me and be amazed. I watched the stupidest fucking movie tonight hoping that it would help me to cry cause I thought it was going to be sadder. Nope! just fucking weird and badly written, it could have been better with help. it was called "the sky is everywhere," little did I know all I had to do was to write a letter to my future self to cry. Anyways, goodnight love. XOXO, you