A letter from May 24th, 2022

dear jade, hey angel. how are you these days? holding it together? things have been hard for me recently. sometimes, i get so sad i become angry, and get sad that my anger has manifested so badly from my sadness. music helps. love of my life by the one and only hs came out four days ago and it's playing right now. it makes me sad, but that's okay. is the angel alright? have you talked to him? have you kept your promises? did you ever get those sweet little dreams you used to talk about? or did he simply become nobody, a leaf in the breeze? i hope he's okay. i hope you're okay, too. did you make it? to state? to college? ever get that job at the vet's office? how did it feel to graduate? cj and jacob graduated last weekend. it made me a little more aware of just how close we were to the end of my teen years we really were. you'll be almost twenty when you get this, if my math is right. chances are it isn't. i've barely passed algebra two. did your skin ever really clear up again? ever get your nose and ears pierced with will? how is will? tell him i love him for me. how are the littles? jaeger is searching for the remote currently. he'll be turning 11 in two days for you. rain will be nearly 13. that's terrifying. as annoying as they are, i know i'll miss their innocent smiles and easy laughter. do you still do art? you said goodbye to mrs. duval today. i hope you remember her. how's nana? grams? grandaddy and papa? i regret even now not being closer with papa, but i know it won't happen. i finished my u.s. history course just now, and hit 120 on bench today. (hi, its jade from the day after, i jerked 120 today too!) with a bit of struggle. how are the weightlifting girls? do you stay in touch with some of them? do you still lift when you can? i hope you do. i hope you got really hot and finally dyed your hair. how's ruby? my sweet, sweet ruby? did you ever get another dog, a friend for the lovebug? i wonder if you got a cat when you moved out. when did you? did you ever live with our angel? he loves you so, still. does he now? its been nearly six months since our world was destroyed, but i still love him, still dream of him and think of him every day. everything reminds me of him. dad still has his stuff. sometimes, when i feel lost, i go in their closet and touch his jacket. the material is so familiar, so soothing, even though it lost the smell of him months ago, and it ceased to be his the moment i put it on, the fact that it was his and he gave it to me still makes it so comforting to me. the shoes he bought me, he never touched, but the sentiment makes me love the shoes even more. i decided to write this because of him. i realized that i had no clue when i had written the other ones and immediately wanted to read what i had written. that would, of course, ruin the surprise, and decided that i wanted to receive one that would remind me of the angel. i knew there was a chance that we might never make it, and we'd just be young love, first loves, and things would simply move on from there. the me today still wants that future, rottweilers and green kitchens and children and all. it seems like a huge commitment, and of course, it is, but the me now wants that. the me from a few months ago wanted it even more. that future we thought about seems so far away now. it seems so unattainable, so impossible to reach. i know that it's feasible, though, and i hope that we'll make it. i hope we prevailed, hope we made it. for our sakes. we deserved our happy ending. it was so good, so sweet, so perfect. if not him, i hope you find someone perfect. i was never good alone. how is larry, by the way? that seems like a stupid question to ask, especially considering how i've almost completely removed myself from the whole larry community and one direction community in general, but ive been so invested for so long it seems like an important question to ask. it would have been fifteen years now, i think for you. harry would be 31, louis 33. that seems crazy, but time always seems to fly when you look back on it. what college did you go to? did you decide on veterinary? im having second thoughts currently. i figure i can try, and it wouldn't hurt, but the more i think about it, the less i realize it doesn't really seem like something i would fit into. learning medicine isnt something i find interesting, just the animals. if somehow, i could incorporate animals, art, and reading into one career that would make me money, id be set. i focus more on myself these days. sometimes, i slip into a way of living that really isnt healthy, and getting myself back to the person i was seems harder and harder every day. the whole timothy-becomes-my parent's-worst-enemy thing has taken a real toll on me. made me sadder, weaker, less motivated and more secluded. i can see it. i have no desire to be happy half the time. i don't take care of myself some days. sometimes, the energy to drag myself out of bed and go to school feels like it's unattainable, impossible. but then i think of him, and i think of filling that void, and it helps. i wish we'd had more time. i wish a lot of things, but it changes nothing. the girl i am today, i hope no longer exists when you get this. i hope she has grown, i hope she has changed for the better, i hope she is happier. i hope she is brighter, smarter, stronger (duh) and i hope she achieves everything she strives to be. the girl she is today is sad. she's weak, but getting stronger. she's scared, but getting fiercer. she's angry, but learning to contain it better, and not let it fester and turn her into someone worse. and most of all, she's sad, but one day, she knows she won't be anymore, and that keeps her going. she knows that there's light at the end of the tunnel. she knows not all good things are gone, she's just lost a great thing that's crossed her path, and that other great things will cross her path. she's working on it, working on herself. i hope that the me that receives this letter will know how things turn out, how her younger self prevailed. how she did not let the things in her way change her mind, or her heart, and kept her going down the path she deserved. the girl you will be when you get this email, will not be all the way there yet. she will still have room to grow, she will still have the power to get the things she wants and achieve her goals before it's too late and they've slipped out of her fingertips. she can still go get that european farmhouse with the old ivy and stones and the animals and the garden, and the big windows for plants and light and painting. she can still go get that life, that dream. maybe the dream has changed, maybe it hasn't. i hope she achieves them, whichever she chooses. it's strange, honestly, thinking of how i'm writing this letter to myself four years in the future when i could quite literally die tomorrow, or in a year, or in seven months, or on september 21, 2026. maybe i'll never see this. but i think it's cool to think about me in the future, seeing this, and i hope she recognizes how different these two people are, in between the curse of time. much love, jade <3