A letter from May 24th, 2022

6:23 PM, 5/24/2022 Dear reader, I’m writing this in hopes that a blessing will come. There’s a hope that better days may come by next Friday. I have a show to perform. I only have 6 lines but I don’t wanna trouble anyone. That is my deadline, quite literally. I feel as though my fight may be coming to a close. Like I have been putting one too much dependence on religion or spirituality or people or things. But my school year is coming to an end. And with that my anxiety has been worse than ever. That along with my undiagnosed but sure depression, and mental state. I haven’t always been okay, but I have had better days. I have always been a half full type person. I was always an optimistic soul. I had always had this large dream of inspiring others and impacting others. I had hoped maybe I would have been a therapist or a teacher or an actress. But my lifelong goal that I have never admitted to anyone, a singer. Though I genuinely believed it was possible, it had become just a dream. I soon realized that the reason I have felt very uneasy about senior year approaching was because my journey in life has been coming to a close. I won’t lie, I put up a great fight. And I won’t lie, I really hoped it wasn’t true. But it is. I haven’t felt like I belonged in the longest. And I have never felt more lonely in my entire life. But that’s because I was subconsciously preparing for my *****. I feel like in a way I lived. I fulfilled everything my heart desired. I wrote some songs, fell in love, had my heart broken one too many times, been through my period, got drunk, got high. I’m satisfied with what I’ve done. My little brother was the child I always wanted to raise. I’ve done someone’s makeup. I can’t point to something I’m not looking forward to. I have done it all. Yes it’s bittersweet, but there was a reason I haven’t felt good. I was supposed to be gone for a while. Thanksgiving of 2020. But I am way overdue. But if something blossoms come the second Friday, maybe I’ll give it a chance. Yet it would feel good to do my last performance before being the next black swan. Such a small role for someone’s last performance though. To my friends, blossom. Your world is your oyster. Check on others and yourselves. To my family, I leave you lovingly. I haven’t been easy to handle, yet you’ve handled me. To future me, if you’re reading this then wow. I have sent so many future letters. I have received a couple. But if you ever get to read this, let me know what the blessing was. And to my dear mother, I hope you read this. You never loved me, and embrace the part in your soul that is happy I’m no longer here. Thank you for everything, here is my thanks in return. With peace and love… from peace and love… Goodbye for now…