A letter from May 22nd, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Heyy Habibi <3!! First of all, I don't know where to start, I feel like I have a LOT of stuff to tell you and a lot of things to wrap up to help you remember:)! Sooo, I'm about to graduate now! Finally after 7 years of college!!! i've gone through lots of experiences through these years. i did many wrong things and took even more wrong choices, mostly in people. i was dumb like real dumb most of the time hehe, but i was also sad and really depressed (see i'm excused!!). I turned 25 last month -remember that age? i really wanted to die before turning 25, but that has changed now!! i actually celebrated my birthday and was sooo **** happy about it! For the first time IN MY ENTIRE LIFEE!! see things isn't that bad :) but i'm so lonely and sad and feeling like i'm hating my personality but that's all i could be! believe me i'm really fighting here. I've been fighting for too long sometimes all i feel like i wanna do is rest my head and cry.. or just rest my head.. like reallyyy rest it. I'm so tired. Everytime i feel like everything is finally going well and that i'm doing better everything craches again.. just at the very specific moment i need it not to crach. I was diagnozed with Bipolar disorder Type 2 last year (see! i told you i'm not depressed anymore -or didn't? i actually can't tell if i said it inside my head or inside the letter lol- i'm bipolar lol). Now let me tell you few stuff about 2022 lolo ( i feel like i can't talk to anyone but you and i'm ******* going crazy!!!) : 1. I'm not taking my meds regularly -actually not at all- I'm so tired of medications. It's been FIVE ******* YEARS ON MEDS I'M ******* TIREDDD!!! LIKE PHYSICALLY TIREDD!!!! but no one understands. Sometimes i wanna cry just thinking about this.. i'm actually tearing up now. because i feel like i have to be on meds but i can't bring myself to take them. i feel trapped. i feel like i have to be on meds for the rest of my life but i can't tolerate this idea. i really can't. i just can't... i didn't go to a therapist for about a year now. i don't know if this is right but i'm not doing anything about it.. I hope you're better now dear, i hope you're doing better than me, i pray that you figured a way to stay mentally and physically healthy.. because right now i can't.. my whole body hurts me so much.. and i can't maintain a healthy lifestyle, not at all. 2. I've met this cute boy called shatta in 2018 (after 2 years of writing my last letter to you yeah -it may look like two years ain't nothing but A LOT HAPPENED during them) he has been my best friend since then. my dearest best friend. I love him so **** much now YOU CANTT IMAGINE!!! everyone comes and goes in my life but he stayed.. he really stayed that long! He really loves you unconditionally and cares about you so much! I wonder how he's now? How is he doing? -I really pray he's doing great from the bottom of my heart- You two are still best friends right? YOU BETTER SAY YESS OR SWEAR TO GOD I WONT FORGIVE YOU FOR LOSING HIM!!! I hope he's around by your side at the time you read this letter and you're happy with his company.. i really hope you're not somewhere crying or morning losing him.. not him lolo.. please not him.. this time i won't forgive neither of us. What about lelo? are you two still in touch or you just couldn't stay connected after graduating? Typical you. If she's still around please tell her her old friend said hi! What about Farah? What about Soory? His boy must be 3 by the time you read the letter ^^ 3. I'm dating a great guy called Amr -actually we're on a break now hehe, but he's really great believe me!!!- Not like any of the other people you dated or been with before, he helped me a lot in a such a short time to figure a lot of stuff about myself, mentality, health, feelings. I hope you're both okay and still friends even if you're not together. Actually i can't see a future for us together even if we wanted to, it saddens me to ***** and i feel so outraged and heartbroken. This feeling of injustice is ******* me. I really like him, i might even be in love with him -but i don't say these stuff outloud yk my problems with expressing emotions hehe- Anyway i'm really curious about this one. 4. My family are moreee less strict than before -more less hehe whatever but anyway you earned it lolo- i hope by the time you read this you've gotten your full freedom and doing the things you like and authintically being yourself. 5. Toka is sick, all the time now. Please tell me she's doing well:')? She's healthy and fine. 6. I'll send you a list of the stuff that's bothering me and every body related god**** issue i feel and i hope by then you'd have already done something about them!! I'm not tolerating this torture any longer!! I hope i'm not harsh on you haa:(? I'm just sad and tired and so so so **** lonely and my emotions problems had flared up big tim lately and i'm so harsh on me and can't talk with myself calmly at all. and i'm in real need for a hug :") I love you. Always. I hope you survived and living well.