A letter from Mar 31st, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Hey! So I'm doing this on a whim, because us being us, we love reading sad depressing tear jerking **** (you know that) and I was reading a bunch of public letters on here and it inspired me to send one to you. Shalini, I hate me. I hate past me. I hate future me. I blame my past for making me the way I am, and I blame my current self for making future me the way I am, and I blame future me for not doing better. I have been feeling this way for so long dear. You know how we used to be sucidal and have severe depression? I think I'm depressed again. I'm not taking those tests or telling anyone because if I really am depressed I just don't know what I'll do, but future me probably will take one from curiousity. See I hate myself. I despise myself. But you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of overthinking and getting stressed and anxiety and everything. I'm sick of it. So even though I hate myself, I'm gonna write what I sincerely hope you're doing in soph year of college(??? Not sure if i got that right). I hope you are content. I hope you are at peace with God and man. I hope your relationship with God is good because that is the only thing that can give me true comfort anymore. A real father, a real husband, a real friend, He is everything I have failed to find in man and I wish you cling to that as much as possible because He has kept you going in your worst times. I used to write and hope for a ton of friends and a boyfriend, but now? I don't think you need that. Because you don't. Shalini, more than any of that, I hope you love yourself. I can't do it. I just can't. For me, an absolute truth of this world is that I am useless, I am worthless. But for you? I don't want it to be impossible. I want it to be an absolute truth that I am worth something, and my worth does not come from any man or woman or thing, but from my own confidence in myself and from my own love of God and His love. Shalini, I can't give you any compliments because I have none, but I do truly believe that if you haven't achieved this yet you work on it. Please. So that maybe one day, all of the "yous" of you can be content or hopeful that things get better. I'm gonna take that depression test now. I'll tell you how it goes. Probably won't be to big honestly. I got moderate depression (MHA Screening website). Sounds pretty ******* accurate. Yeah, I'm really ******* down so let's shift the conversation to other stuff. How is our best best stressball? If she isn't okay, you better call her tell her you love her and that she is the reason your life is still continuing and she has made the biggest impact on you. Tell her you love her. Schedule a time to just crash at her house and talk to her on the couch. And Shalini, I pray pray pray to God that she is still around but if she isn't then: (Ignore if Stressball is alive) Every time she tried to **** herself. Every time. She would text you and say I love you, she told you to keep on living. Shalini I don't know what type of pain you are going through because I am blessed right now, but just the thought of living without Stressball is enough to make me tear up. Listen. She loves you. She does not see a world in which you do not belong. She does not see a world in which you cannot live, she does not see you dying. You? Your only responsiblity right now is to keep ******* living not for you, not for some stupid ******** like it gets better or some dumb ****, but you better keep ******* living because as much as you want to die and as much as it will hurt for the rest of your life she wanted you alive. You must stay alive. You must keep those memories going, you must remember her and you must know that her life did not mean so much to you that it makes you now feel lost without her, but that it means even more to a point where even in *****, you love her and can still be the best friend you are. Stay alive. For her. But if stressball is okay, then call her and tell her these exact ******* words "Stressball, I'm glad you're living. I love you." How is the absolute slay of a man? I know hes lost, I know he hates himself, I know he hates our parents and I know hes depressed, but Shalini If the worst comes to worst I just I dont know what I can tell you because even thinking about it terrifies me so I'm not even gonna think about it. But I truly truly truly hope he is content with his life aswell and that he has moved out, made good decisions, and is joyful. Not happy, but joyful. I hope he lives his best ******* life, my amazing big brother absolutely ******* deserves. The kindest person alive, the best person alive. Thank you. How is mafia? I hope you guys are still in touch. Right now this is a blooming budding long friendship and I really think she will be a ride or die. If not, I'm sure you have your reasons. But if so, call her and tell her you're glad she's your friend and that you're looking foward to another 100 years with her. Bless her amazing emo musical heart. Okay for our parents, I'm not expecting much. If they divorced, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! If not, it's okay. That is their choice. Shalini, honor your father and mother. Honor them. They have ****** up, and they have loved you, and it is a roller coaster, but honor them and treat them with respect NO MATTER ******* WHAT. I'm not bending on this **** and you better not neither. Treat them with respect. As often as you have wanted to throw a glass to their heads and hated their stubborness, you must appreciate and do something good for them. Again, let no man bother you. Be at peace with all men, be at peace with your parents. Remember, this was God's plan and you better respect that. Okay Shalini. I hope that when this letter finds you, You're doing okay. And if you're not, Work on that. Can't say I love you but Good luck.