A letter from Mar 4th, 2022

Dear FutureBee, i wanted to write this on my last day of being 15, but it's 2:48 AM on my 16th birthday and i guess I'm understanding nothing goes to plan. i didn't get the big dress, hair done, music playing, surrounded by all my friends, big sweet 16 i always dreamed of. and that's okay. i went rollerskating with my two bestfriends. jay and nova. god it was so much fun. I've felt so alone and empty in the past and lately I'm so okay with that. i haven't settled for anyone because meaningless out draining friendships don't make me feel any less empty, so i just distance myself or leave. I'm surprised at how well it's all going. small me would be so proud. she'd be so in awe of who i am now, if i could tell her everything, I'd show her my style. I'd show her all the pretty clothes i wear and i know she'd think I'm pretty. She'd like knowing that i still enjoy playing dress up, just maybe instead it's with big girl clothes instead of princess dresses and children's costumes. I'd show her videos of me dancing and she'd be so inspired because that's all her little heart dreamed of. I'd tell her i don't like boys and it's okay to like girls. she'd be confused, but in a few years she'd get it. she'd get that she didn't need a prince charming and that it would never make her happy. I'd tell her how sad i felt and show her my scars. she wouldn't get it but she'd give mea hug and I'd hug her tighter than anything in the world so just for a moment she felt the pure, true love i felt for her. I'd tell her that we fall for multiple people and that happily ever after doesn't go exactly to plan, that sometimes the princess doesn't need saving. that sometimes she could be her own happily ever after. she wouldn't believe me, but in time she'd learn. I'd show her our stuffed animals, our blankets, I'd tell her i watch Disney movies all the time still. She'd be thrilled i never lost my spark or grew out of my childhood. I'd tell her how sometimes fairytales and happily ever afters aren't forever. She'd be surprised to know I'm AroAce now, her hopeless romantic heart wouldn't begin to comprehend it. I'd tell her all about my dance journey and she'd be surprised i left it for color guard when it seemed so perfect and i loved it so much. I'd tell her im wearing a tiara on my Sweet 16. Just like she always wanted. a pretty $1 pink plastic tiara from Walmart that i got one day while buying random toys. i wish i could hold the hands of all my past selves and bring them along with me everywhere so they'd understand the world like i do. I wish i could hug them and tell them everything was going to be okay and protect them in ways no one protected me. Love them in ways no one loved me. Going forward, i know that's what healing my inner child is for. Telling her all these things, letting her know updates about my life and letting her understand just the way the world works. Im going easy on myself because i know she's here too,, trying just as hard as i am. So here's to being 16, the Disney channel age. the age i dreamed of being ever since i knew 16 was a possible age to be. I share my birthday with this girl who i think i like, her names Rubi :) Rubi Roses <3 i see her today and i hope she knows she's a part of the biggest day of my life. If i could tell my past self anything, it's that I love you. I love you and it'll all be okay, just breathe & hold on a while, yea? it'll all be worth it :) If i could ask my future self anything, it's that is it all okay? was it all worth it? did you end up where you always dreamed of being? i know im not where i dreamed I'd be now. i guess life has a funny way of turning out the opposite of the way you expect it. Tell me all about you :) It's been a while since we've spoken. Im sending this on your birthday, so Happy Birthday Bea :) you deserve the world. I can't wait to see you, and I'm so proud to be you. Sincerely, Love always and forever, PastBee <3