A letter from Mar 1st, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Dear FutureMe, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74H9Oth4XcY Can't relate... really can't as much as I wish I could. Any normal person would've reminisced, yet all that forms in my head is a question; Why is it I can't relate? or reminisce the same way about any memories. Instead, if I had to sway the song with reverence to my own life, I'd say I don't have that many or any fond memories to be frank; and in fact, I wished for everything the opposite of this song. I knew very well of my situation back then, how cruel life can be, how it toys with people's hearts by dangling happiness in front of one although a carrot on a stick only to be teased and tricked, yet knowing it's a trick we still follow the carrot focusing on the only object of hope in a room of darkness, how life can be merciful one minute but strip the one shred of hope we have left the next. I still remember the time the teacher first taught the class of the day of judgement, the first time I learnt of '*****' and the thought of leaving behind what we have here, the first time I understood what it was like to have the same life as the song, the first memory and the last memory that I can relate to the song, I cried, I cried so bad, but unlike the song where everyone knew what was going on, I don't think my classmates knew what it meant like I did at that moment because I was the only one crying, and looking back, I'm not surprised I did, I've always throughout life no matter the age, been self-aware and hyperaware at that. I cried and cried as embarrassing as it was what I said when I cried that could still bring tears to my eyes... "I don't want to die, I don't want everyone to die... I don't want to leave my friends..." I cried blissfully unaware and innocent as some people comforted me saying it's still a long time to come. No memory I can recall after that I can relate to saying "I wish I could go back to those times" because going home didn't mean the something it meant for most others; to me, it meant watching my mother struggle and battle herself all the while loosing any support she had, it meant watching my dad learning how to support my mom and deal with her depression and bi-polarity, it meant watching them get into fights, it meant going back wishing and hoping for one more day of peace and a happiness for my parents so I don't have to be placed in between another one their fights, it meant constantly being scared or sad for the next time they'd break into a fight or when something goes wrong even when things were okay, it meant being scared eachtime we jumped from fighting to normal days to fight again, it meant going home sometimes to be jumping from hospital to hospital to help my mom, it meant going home only to be taken to a hospital with my dad to meet my admitted mom, it meant seeing my mom admitted in different hospitals. It meant coming home to get into fights with my mom and wondering when it'll stop, it meant trying to understand why I can't be like other children or why my mom can't be normal. it meant coming home only to be met with bruises or be constantly hit in the head by mom from the number of fights we get into. It meant waiting until dad came home to eat with him. hah...wouldya look at that now, we barely eat in the same room despite being home. I mean at least I had my neighbourhood then I guess? if that means being separated from the one best friend I had and watching my friends shift away, and the ones that remain not really being the greatest influences. I mean, was it necessary for the ONE good thing in my life back then to slip right through my eyes, my best friend and front neighbour, my escape from my home. Then comes school, hah...at least that couldn't have gotten any worse right?... Well too bad because oops another wound at Fathima's heart by life. Going to school was blissful or so I thought, I loved it, but hated the drama that came with it, mind you this was back in 2nd grade and lower for crying out loud. Befriending a friend and getting close only to constantly be replaced by someone else and someone better, constantly wondering what I did wrong or if it was something I did that drove people away constantly, befriending people and becoming great friends until someone better came along for the friend to befriend and forget about me over. This happened enough times for it to leave me wondering what's wrong with me. If only I knew what pondering on that question would do to me, maybe if I never questioned that I would never have felt guilty every time and be constantly afraid of the next time something like that would happen to me the next time I made a friend. but no, life loved doing that constantly to my face all the way even till now, loving to push the fact I'm never someone's first choice in my face. Constantly wondering why someone is better than me, wondering and wondering maybe that subconsciously got into my head leading to who I became, a self-conscious girl always afraid to speak up in fear of doing something wrong or that people will leave and believing some people are better than me without even knowing them personally. Quite frankly, I still struggle with that but compared to then I've definitely beyond doubt improved. That's something I'll always regret, feeling guilty and blaming myself for the actions of other idiots who couldn't care about anything beyond what their new fascination is. If only I'd known how deeply it'd affect me. But it still doesn't stop huh? starting with Falak, then Zikra, then Isma then Saaquib, then Adnan, then Atifa, then Bibi, then, then Afifa, then, Shehnaz, then Ayesha, then Afifa again, and then AGAIN Afifa, then Tooba but then I had Hamda... my so-thought 'angel', the point I thought would stop the friend I thought would never leave me, making me overprotective of her. Technically it did id stop, I never lost her per se, but it didn't stop the cycle either, just made it worse, now everyone I met either was fascinated by Hamda over me or met me, befriended me but met Hamda and immediately visibly became more interested in her than they ever with me, basically swept away. Sounds like I'm jealous but I'm genuinely not, I'm happy for her she needs the support but does her happiness have to mean life has to hurt me each time too? Is that the cost? to keep my bestest friend happy letting life snatch the other people I really care about to be fascinated by her and leave me stumped, hurting me bit by bit? by making me, once again like every single time in my life, a second choice? If so... well...so be it...What can I really do? those who truly see both her and my worth but still seek me out will be the ones who really I love. I can't force the rest, it's others' choice, and if I'm the second choice like always, I'm disappointed and hurt but I'll suffer silently if I have to, so be it. After all of that, I can't think of any memories that I can relate to this song or any recollection I can miss, in fact, the quite opposite, I couldn't wait to get older, I remember crying for nights for when it'll all make sense, for a time in the future when all of it would stop, wishing and praying for time to pass by quickly to a time I'll never have to hear my parents fight, to a time I can happily say I have a group of friends that love me and can rely on. I couldn't wait to grow up to a time when maybe, just maybe my parents would put their problems aside to love each other and me. A future I didn't have to worry about. A future Little me could happily look at and wait for. A future where I wouldn't have to sleep wonder if my parents even loved each other, or if they have any left for each other or how they ever did fall in love, or wonder if they thought it was a mistake, another night wondering if that meant they even loved me? because I mean well, I thought if you loved your child at least you'd put aside each other's flaws or so on for the welfare of the child? Well now as I'm older, I can say life's a lot more complicated than just that, and that loving a child meant more than that but how's a little 5year old kid to learn that? That's all without mentioning the horrific nightmares that I had to deal with. Sure I make fun of them now but back then every night all I could constantly wonder was, why me? Why that? just all a bunch of Whys. Every nightmare including a ***** of sorts, without a single glimpse of what a normal dream was, constantly dealing with nightmares as the only substitute, forget good dreams I didn't even have a normal weird dream, just unceasing nightmares. leaving me crying not because of what it entailed but because I wondered if that's all my life was going to be, negativity after negativity. I hated every bit of it to the bitterest end, with little or any shred of hope. I hated my last name, hated it, hated it hated it hated it hated it hated it... Tabassum... meaning always smiling, or happiness, or bringing people smiles. tch. All I could think of back then was 'Always smiling or bringing people happiness? Oh please... as if. Wish I could have that.' I was enveloped in bitterness, hate to how life teased me with my last name of something I didn't have and only could wish of back then. Normally people would wish to 'live up to it' me? I was too blinded by negativity to believe that. It felt like being toyed with. What can I even relate to in this song?... I can only wish I could have related to it. It sings how it misses knowing someone would be there to catch them when they'd fall. for me I can't miss that because back then as a child, I didn't have that. in any way shape or form. so what exactly can I miss? Is there any part I can recall to 'miss' in my childhood at all?... There are a few good moments, I miss how I and my parents used to go out to eat panipuri every few weekends, I miss that after every visit to the hospital I and my dad would secretly sneak ice cream on the way home without letting my mom know by keeping it our secret...hehe... I miss when I'd crawl into my mom's hospital bed to sleep beside her if we stayed over-night even though I wasn't supposed to, I miss the time when me and my mom actually got along and she played ball with me or any small game sometimes giving me joy, I miss we'd frequent the parks so I could have fun with others and when we'd go to play. I miss when going to Mysore meant escaping the worry of fights because it meant they wouldn't fight in front of anyone, how it meant that I could play with my cousins and relax and play pretend, how I had someone to rely on that won't abandon me (cousins, which was pathetic as sad as it is), It meant that I didn't have to suffer alone, and could actually smile and laugh with them without worrying about how things could go bad, I miss the time how I was always so excited when we visited Mysore basically taking it as my escape from reality, my neverland, my safe space, but life had to tease me with that too, because that meant every time there was a fight, wishing badly to run away to Mysore though that was impossible, it meant wishing that every small quarrel between my parents wouldn't turn into a bigger issue and hoping for either one to drop it instead of escalating it further. I miss when how happy me and my cousins were so happy when we met when we were younger. that was the one alone thing I wished I didn't have to grow up to lose, the one memory I can relate to the song that that was the one thing I didn't wanna grow up for. After all that, All I can remember off the top of my head of my previous self if asked suddenly is a string of 'why's' as sad as it is. Maybe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1MJVZH3f8w would be a better fit for me huh?... After all that, All but one question pops in my head to you. Does it get better?...