Dear FutureMe,
Right now I feel like ****. Junior year is beating the absolute **** out of me and even worse, I have no idea what to do about course selections for senior year. I have gotten so much conflicting advice and I have no idea what to do which is the most stressful thing ever. Please don't be mad about whatever I choose, I'm doing my best. I just feel so ******* sorry for myself right now and I hate it. Nothing I'm doing is productive; I'm an absolute failure at studying for the ACT and I just can't do this ****. I can't keep sitting at this desk in this dark room for hours and hours and hours only to get a minimal amount of sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and do the same exact thing. The burnout is so strong and I just can't do it anymore. I'm crying as I type this and I hope my tears don't ruin anything. I wish I was you. I wish I was you so badly. I can't keep doing this. I don't have anything to look forward to and my birthday is so soon I don't even want it to happen. I forgot I had a Birthday soon; I think I'm forgetting that I'm a person too. This **** is awful and dehumanizing and I can't believe every high schooler in America goes through this. Maybe they don't; maybe I'm just an absolute idiot who can't control her own emotions, Maybe I am not built for this type of education. I say all these things; I feel sorry for myself but at the end of the day, I know I wouldn't trade my education for the world. This sounds like I'm writing and essay for AP lang (I know), but I'm not. Really I'm just writing this as a means of procrastination. Since all I do is sit, and sit some more, why not sit while doing something I slightly enjoy. Writing to you is a good past time but I can't keep blowing off my work. I swear to god; I hate myself. I hate the type of student I have become, and I hate the type of person I have become this year. I can't compete with these peple but I can't not compete with them either and only now am I realizing how dumb this all is. I'll go to college; I'll get a job; I'll get married if I want to, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WON'T ******* DO? I WON'T REMEMBER CALCULUS; THAT'S WHAT. Sitting here and feeling sorry for my scores, feeling insufficiently unsatisfied with my grades, it's all for nothing. I won't come out ahead, I won't make more money, I won't be a happier person and I know all these things but I still can't stop pushing myself to my own breaking points. I don't have enough time for these mental breakdowns. IT'S YOUR FAULT. I DO THIS **** FOR YOU AND YOU AREN'T APRECIATIVE. I'M SITTING HERE STRUGGLING OVER CHOICES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU AND I'M PANICKING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PREFERENCES ARE AND I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM GONNA MAJOR IN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLLEGE IM GONNA GO TO. **** YOU. **** YOU. YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE EXCUSES ANYMORE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I DON'T CARE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I KNOW YOU AND I DON'T CARE. IM DONE. I'M DONE. I'ME DONE.
Epilogue
4 days later
A senior year response:
I love you, and this made my day. I’ve been waiting for this letter since I wrote it. I remembered writing this during a mental breakdown,...
Saw teh i atfc htta ahnt fmelys btu eth ’tdndi won eohrt erbemrme at pcicfssei i lneigyl. Am iceatppare i emgrrbeenmi eht no sith oasl chum ihwle asd ni oen s,wa i tawh so ssme elrtet a i dh,an. ’ist nagrele os tmptraoni i onriuj fo ryea cizietrnmao dna mtise ’notd in tresss atth. Of ryors ifsrt ’mi ,lal. ’mi oy;u srroy ahtt i i to ti’s ym did flatu wonk. Oyu a ouy he;ostr ’mi ryuo i mti;lsi n,ihuamn i dna iegv ysrro m’i htta tsap yrsor rbeka i mderpaco rsyor so m’i ltef uoy m’i nd’idt pusedh to sroyr uyo. I aelmb dotn’ uotab otn ryou fro a eerw do’tn aultf you lk;ie i ’its rognw ewf cinhsgoo seslcsa nshgti ouhh,gt uoy. Ehtosn ot nktih in obj het ddi you i eb end lylteomepc rlyafi doog a. Hma,t ialyrf esuhlcde tihw ehtro ahnt ’mi hppay my. Rwee thta aer orwng lsao si ondgi oyu ntgoihn yuo het btuoa emmtcno rueditovpc. Seudecc flee that uyo ilwl hte cat saw) amy tub ti tiwh glryeal dna( awy it. Dan yngtsidu horsu ohrus pay your illw fo nad fof usroh. Nyigtds)u a mchu tca whit tas 4)3( h99t rome 99ht utiwhto ederna nad ouy (way rhda endde ed)nrea isealy pu -19(40 ercenlptie a ceosr scroe certleeipn. Tno nwko itfnsyagsi i oyu rfo ats’ht. Stlli mkea daerh em uwldo i that fi tta,h af,tc lodwu i nda know ouy ti were ot;u i eb aorbpbyl i ycr drsseset in. I ndsrneuadt uyo. I eiomprs. G;ood abhrydti edulcdo twhi nad sssret it ygndstiu was rouy ton saw. A drak it gndtyisu atc rocues noleni on hetn asw rhou in eth pnets nda 3 rmoo tsuge. Of honytes oury sediver lla aegsu teh in etltre i ni eaaiterppc aargmmr. I know inot it herte ’dnseot im’ giong auhsw, got i hl,pe ubt adn. Rwee to ouy ttah ti tnawed uto; but l,peh krow irght i you nkew ownk ouy wolud lal desont’ elaidt ttha nwko i. Out erkwod lal ahs it. Rwoht i?t fele ddi n,o byrpablo tno it. Ouy ta ’ltdnuco erve but dam i be. Oyu i cterpiaeap humc so. D;hra ma oyu oto ads ofr redkow uoy i. I ,adhr cabeeus did and yuo ohbt us yuo doerkw uyo but of ofr tath os lveo. Aveh me syagni etru utb i’st ertatnnufoyul papleds ,ttah ofr might yuo. Uflyl enbkirga urbnout ruoy udloc hvea ot nciarg; in enrev odcul you uyo ervne stodpep niop,t ouy pghnuis eht enerv pdpsteo stap wno nevig lfesouyr evha lodcu eahv. Teh thrtu s’ti stenho. Telrte an an dknarewbo ,iacehrrveove nad tsih oacehsirv’erve si yuo era tamnel. Dna kewn dwuol atht 3dr on ouy wkae yrigteehnv od iagan urbayefr yuo pu. Ggoin nshugpi ouy uyo iogng oyu ysoufler ewre ggino; eknw to to keep rewe eepk oyu nwke. Lesf ouyr ti dna needde oosnmee atht eb ersnpet lyon asw’tn ot dam ta, lagd uoy ’im. Me an to eus ewer sa dgla ettoul m’i ouy bael. At’ths ays ont atht dcolu of rpdou tbu i awht you asy ntwa i konw em (i to oyu i’m m),a. Aicneetevmh m’i eth thta an gssstgue i tmgih erteh tluregg,s hte edirct yuo msoe ttha eard ti asygni fo asw asw ohwrt atth ddi urdpo rof work oyu ot tsgessug fo ekta atht htta. Ye,sa nihnyatg be kown of tath si oto the nmae nw’to ot uyo and to rudpo owsrd onseoem ngmaicli i. Het ocessr doog ubt twah fo dan arten’ drpou dargse ’im gihh. Yuo ourpd athw of i’m is. Utb uory otn ymeler cvnemhaiese,t yuo. A,nnmihu elft miearend uoy amy but yuo yuo vaeh. Oyu tmater oyu teltil ,on erwe tlils no ohw lesep were yuo. Poelpe yuo and dame smeil dema ionenoctn,sc. Ouy edb like y,da otg otu lesroyfu ya,d yad ot of eevyr teadc eyevr yreve ewnt hlocos. Shtt’a of gmnsoithe oupdr ot be. Got ’mi ahtt ew awsuh dleveire tion. Btteer ti meak lefe ti emska ssecrnlyiae ubt dne’tos ghvirteney it, ti unceo lal hwtor eelf na. Uyo ti did. It i did. Did it ew. Ok sit’ dan. Wts’ah is geolelc how uddsnerant tmnportai roem tanh i yuo. I aenntuddsr agr;en fo i i nedtraduns ueftur royu tdauedsnnr your ;lccfonti hetdar ddsrtnenau ryou i seass;dn ruyo eht. Ti dsutnednar i lal. Smporei i. Utyrl anesturndd no evre uoy eles eno aym. Het no tjus ahtt nwok iwll od teh adn in arnib ayw the yuo ,you tno vree yaw oruy eent eesl ayw, eb leryme ni body sayntg tath eno or. Uoy i drsutndnea ubt. I aeairptepc do you. I ont sa i as luso,dh uhcm nkwo. Douwl ouy oasl sltil tbi adn nwko be tnowl’du tbu a if went eb i dnogi taht veyer ti yda stih kehnatd this eguhno do)d hte o,hrhgtu fro rwee (dan ti i hte you oyu. I ggion kwon lecloeg i,n nda i to waht evah otdn’ i watn mi’ i joarm nowk ubt hatw to litls od o,g yawany ot. Lytsl,a aems ll’i eht wya i gainys fof acer nde ni hatt. Yuo dan owrht wree ti are. Wnok aerc yu,o i i dan. Oer’yu enod. Reyo’u noed. Ndoe r’oyue. .
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