A letter from Jan 23rd, 2022

Dear Future Me, Happy birthday!!! Oh my God, I can't believe we are 30 now! How are you feeling? Are you happy? Are you sad? I know our birthday is not usually the happiest day of the year for us but I hope from the bottom of my heart you are having a good day. I can't believe we made it through three decades of our life... Remember when you were a kid? How much you wanted to die and disappear forever? Do you still feel like that? Right now I'm at our appartment in Milan, listening to "Sweet Disposition" on repeat while I write this. It's Sunday night, I'm kind of cold and I slept more than ten hours because I stayed up all night reading Tokyo Ghoul:re until seven in the morning. I'm allowing myself a moment of vulnerability to ask the things I want to know even if it'sembarrassing (you know I'm not good at opening up about my deepest wishes...): where are you living now? Did you get to stay in Milan longer? Do you still keep in contact with the people you met there? I really, really, really hope you are still living abroad. And if it's not Milan then somewhere else. I know you miss home at times but I believe you were made for living far away from home. How are mom and dad? Your siblings? Are they all on good terms with each other? Have they finally found what they want to do with their lives? How are your friends? Feli? Are they all doing good? If you are back home, did you go back to teaching? I know that's something you love. Did you get to keep in contact with your kids? Do you know if they are doing good? I really hope they do. They don't know it but they saved us so many times during the four years you worked as a teacher. If you are not a teacher anymore, then what are you doing now? Do you like it? Do you have any hope or dreams now? Right now, at 26, I just want to stay in Milan longer and if I also get to keep working where I am now I'll be incredibly happy. Did you finally meet someone? How's he? Is he better than we imagined? Are you letting him love you? Or are you still alone? If it's the second one then I guess this is our fate, even if it sounds depressing (I hope that at the very least you got to kiss some handsome man in these last four years though, heh). I wish I could give you some kind of comforting words in case you are alone but I have none. I'm alone too and I don't really know what to say. Every year that goes by I feel even lonelier but I'm trying my best to not let it turn into despair (I don't know if it's working though). Do you still read manga? Did you go back to playing the piano and doing muay thai? Is your hair longer now or do you keep it a bit over your shoulders? Do you still talk to Monica? Are your anxiety and sadness better now? Do you still try to live your faith? Do you still meet with your college friends over coffee sometimes? Have any of them gotten married or had kids? Do you still listen to the same bands you used to love back in middle/high school while driving and singing at the top of your lungs? Have you been to any concerts in these past three years? Is the pandemic still ongoing? (God, I hope not). Well, I don't know what else to ask so I'll stop here. I hope these questions remind you of what's important for you (at least now at 26). I also hope that you despite everything you are happy with your life and with yourself and (if you are not, I hope you have the courage and the will to change what you have to change just like all those characters in the stories you love so much). Happy birthday again, right now I can't say that I love you now but I hope *you* can say to me now. Elena