A letter from Jan 4th, 2022

Hey FutureMe, Right now the future is not something I’m eager to think about if I’m being totally honest. I’ve spent the last 8 years awaiting the day that I could finally get out of here, but now that the day is approaching with a speed that it never has before, all I feel is scared and anxious. Soon enough college decisions will be coming out. Did Nazareth accept you? Is that where you went to college? Did you study theatre all four years without getting scared that you needed to do something better that would allow you to make more money? College is exciting but it’s terrifying. College means leaving behind my favorite people who are all planning to stay here in California, while I’m trying my **** best to be thousands of miles away. Are you still friends with them? If the answer is no, then I don’t want to know it, because I can’t imagine a life without them. I have a question for you that’s kind of hard for me to ask and might be hard for you to answer, but I need to know. Have you fallen in love again? You know I dream of being loved and being understood but you also know it scares the **** out of me, and you know why too. So have you gotten over all of that? Have you managed to completely repair the damage that he did? Did you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved? Or did you fall only to be shattered again? That’s another thing that scares me about college. College means more people and more chances to find someone you just click with, but it also means the possibility of getting hurt. Everything carries with it the possibility of getting hurt. The future is full of pain I won’t even know that I’ll feel until I’m feeling it. By the time you get this, you will have graduated college. You’ll have been out of dad’s house for a long time (did you finally get the guts to cut him off for good or are you still playing the role of good daughter?) You’ll have seen things, and learned things, and felt things. You’ll know more than I could ever hope to. I just hope that the future has been good to you because we both know that the past hasn’t. I also hope that you look back and think of me fondly, these past two years have been the worst I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want you to look back and regret the things that I did and the things that I felt because I am trying my best here. I’m still a kid after all so please don’t be mad at me or blame me for what happened. I have so much faith in you. You already know that not many people have told me that, but I’m telling you, and my opinion should matter more than anyone’s. Don’t lose hope, don’t stop dreaming, and stop comparing where you are in life to everyone else. Everyone moves at different paces. Just because you haven’t made it on broadway yet or released a book or done some big thing with your life yet, doesn’t mean you never will. You’re 22, you still have a whole life to live. Whether you’re out there living the life we’ve always dreamed of, or you’re binging anime because you’re depressed again, I know you’re still doing the best you can, and that’s enough. I’m proud of you purely because you’ve made it farther than I ever thought I would. Hell, for a long time I didn’t think we would make it to see 18 but in just four months I’ll be an adult. Don’t stop trying, and think of me fondly. Forever inside you, Your past self.