From 19 year old Me to 23 year old You :)

Dear future Ella, What’s up shawty. Go ahead, laugh, roll your eyes. Sit down while you're at it because I have A LOT to tell you. Today, right now, I am sitting on the floor in my childhood room, back home for winter break. My hair is up in one of those mask things you do on Sundays, do you still do that? Hopefully by now you have figured out how to do your curls. I also am losing my voice because I have been coughing a lot, potentially from omicron. Is covid still a thing? I remember your senior year of high school when the pandemic first hit you were so upset you couldn’t go back to school for two weeks. Then, a month later it was announced that you weren't allowed to finish out the rest of your high school days. Do you remember that, it’s been hella long for you. It’s crazy to step back and think about how much life has changed since that day. I remember I was here, in this very bedroom when I found out. And now here I am nearing two years later, sitting here typing you this letter. I don’t know where you are going to be when you read this, or if this bedroom will even be considered yours anymore. I don’t know anything about you really, but I have so many hopes and aspirations for who you are to become. I am writing to 23 year old Ella. If I can get my math right that is. Remember that C you got in business calc last fall? Yeah that’s what I thought. Dear god, 23 years old. First thing’s first- what’s it like to drink, legally, that is. Right now I am smiling looking down at the faded sharpie marks on the back of my hands from new year’s eve. I know you don’t get those X’s anymore, and I know as you’re reading this you miss that. You miss those crazy nights you would go to bars with your friends and dance your heart out and not have a worry in the world. Hell, I miss that right now. Being back home from college is weird, even though this is my second winter break doing it, and I have my own place this time so I technically don’t have to be here. Where do you live now? It’s hard to believe, but by now you’re a college graduate and possibly even a PA. I just finished my last semester as a sophomore, and when I looked in the student directory I saw that I was a junior by hours. A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE. I can’t believe this. I am growing up. Okay so here’s the thing, you and I both know my biggest fear is dying young, or feeling like I didn’t live fully before I died. So if you are reading this I am proud, all throughout your life you recognized 23 to be a big year for you. When you were younger you thought you would be married by now (laugh with 19 year old you bc I know that ain’t happening) and just these past few years you had this deep impending feeling that you weren’t going to make it past your mid 20’s. Well, you’ve made it this far and to that I congratulate you. You are a testimony that life goes on, and that you made it through every single one of your bad days. As I type this, I can only imagine what 23 will be like for you. Right now the goal is to become a physician's assistant, but let’s be honest, gen chem kicked your *** and your GPA reflects that. You want to work in a hospital, delivering babies, administering anesthesia, or working in trauma. How’s that going? I know plans change, I’ve already changed my major once and am considering switching again. Wherever you are I hope you are doing what you know is your purpose. You have been looking for that for awhile now, and I am kinda scared for my future- for you. The idea of growing up and abandoning my youth is daunting, but I hope that through these next few years I make the most out of all my time and you can look back on me and smile, knowing that you did it all with no regrets. Okay enough sappy ****, at least for now. Let’s talk a little. So about that getting married at 23 thing… please tell me you have at least found someone by now, because you have been in college for 3 semesters now and have yet to find a real boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong now, you’ve had your fair share of flings and “bar boyfriends” as you like to call them, but please tell me you have settled down by now. You’re still a young adult and you have time, but the hopeless romantic and lonely 19 year old Ella can only hope that you crossed paths with your soulmate by now. College has been lonely so far. You’ve been on and off with Jose since the beginning of the pandemic, but you knew from early on y’all were never meant for each other. Nathan broke your heart your freshman year, and Robert made you realize that you weren’t ready to give up your freedom yet. Speaking of him, please tell me he never became a yell leader, because if he did and you gave up the chance at being a yell leader girlfriend… I’m going to be upset. Well maybe not as upset as I am making it out to be, he did make you cry your eyes out until you couldn’t breathe that one night. Oh how I wish I could go back to that night and give myself a hug and assure myself it would all work out. I’m sure there are going to be many moments in my future- your past- where you wish you could go back and hug me, telling me that everything gets better, and that you get better. In all seriousness, I hope you are better, You got diagnosed with depression a little over 2 years ago and I am sure that is something that is sadly going to be a constant in your life. Things are looking up now though. I started a new medicine at the beginning of last semester, and although I was super down there for a few weeks there at the beginning, things turned around and you have had some of the best months of your life. You have a much better support system now and are surrounded by people that you can truly call your best friends. I hope those people are still in your life. I know it’s gonna hurt the day that you move away to different cities from your best friends and all reminisce on your undergrad days, but I hope that I can make the most out of these next 5 semesters to where it will be okay for you. As I still have 5 semesters and 2 or so years of professional school before I meet you, I want to ask you some questions of stuff that is important to me right now, that you probably won’t be worrying about since you’re old and stuff now. Did you get to do fish camp again? Being in camp sanders this past summer was truly a changing point in who I am and I am so thankful for that experience. You still have 2 more years in front of you that you can, so did you? Those were the good days weren’t they? The only time when you were surrounded completely by people who wanted nothing but the absolute best in you, and were the most genuine and loving people possible. They brought out the best in you, and I hope that I get to see more of that side of you as I get older. Do you still have your septum piercing from then? Currently it is flipped up in your nose, about 5 months old. I don’t know why, but I can’t get rid of it even if I think it doesn't suit me. I think it’s the attachment issues. Do mom and dad still not know about it? I can’t believe I’ve hidden it from them for this long. Do you have a little scar from it now? Did you get any other piercings? You really want your conch and maybe a nose hoop but I am not sure about either yet. Also!!! That reminded me, do you still have that ****** red lightning bolt stick n poke? I vividly remember sitting in my dorm with Kirby our freshman year as I stabbed myself repeatedly with a sewing needle and pen ink while she did a paint by numbers on that cold January day. You met Nathan that night, crazy to remember now. Anyways back to the commitment issues dilemma, I want this thing off me. Whoever said stick n pokes fade needs to get sued because I’ve had this thing for almost a year and as jank as it is, it is still very vividly on my body. As bad as it is, I know I will always look back on that day and cherish that memory, no matter how manic I was those days. Okay next question, did you ever have a 4.0 semester? Because I really want to accomplish that this coming year. Even though your hoe *** decided to take 19 hours this semester and have microbiology at 8 AM LIKE GIRL WHAT. I hope that you didn’t suffer too much, hell, maybe you made a trauma bond with some of the kids in that lecture. Are you still a boot chaser? Well I guess now that you are no longer at A&M you wouldn’t be considered a boot chaser, but did that dream die? Right now it is a problem, and you spend most of your days in Quadbucks husband hunting. You and Mia both have aneurysms whenever a guy in camo even looks at y’all. So silly right. Are you an EMT yet?? I plan on becoming one this summer, summer 2022, so I can start accumulating hours for PA school and maybe help me decide what specialty I want to go into. If you did, was that a hard job? I can only imagine the things I might see, but I know it will be rewarding. Do you still drive your kia seltos? You just got that car brand new a few weeks ago and I plan on still having it by the time you get this. Lastly, did you graduate with your bachelors in Allied Health and minor in Public Health? That’s what you are right now and I am curious to see what you end up with and where you are now. As sad as it is, that degree is useless without grad school/ professional school, and so you are more than likely still a student. We love women in STEM! Don’t worry, your suffering is almost over. Sheesh, I just looked over at Bandit asleep next to me and almost thought to ask you if you have kids yet, but I swear if you do I will come back to haunt you or something. But since you don’t (manifesting it now) do Isaac and Brook? Are you an aunt yet?? Oh my gosh, Ben has graduated high school by now right (remember I suck at math I could be wrong)? That is insane, little Ben Ben, although I am sure he is taller than you by now… you still have him beat right now, but I know it is coming soon. I feel weird thinking about how much is going to change from my life to yours. I am not sure what else I can type to convey what I want to say to you. I want to say so much, but I know 23 year old you probably won’t want to get advice from a 19 year old version of you. You’re probably gonna think I am dumb. 23 is your year, I know it. It has always been my lucky number and I have been seeing it everywhere these past few months, which is why when I decided to type future you a letter I know it needed to be to you. I wrote to past you, 21 year old you, not that long ago, but that was right after I finished my freshman year and I had a lot of growing and maturing to do. I am sure that that letter was appropriate when it reached you as is this one. I remember typing this earlier, but I have a lot of dreams and aspirations for the woman you are to become. I bet you are beautiful. You are finally starting to feel that about yourself now, and I am sure by the time that you are a little more grown you will be absolutely gorgeous. God I just absolutely butchered the spelling in that, thank goodness for autocorrect. I hope that by now you have learned to fully love and accept who you are, and discovered who you are as a person, your purpose and passion. I hope that you are more educated, confident, and are living the life that I dream for you to have, whatever it is. I pray that you are happy, and are finding meaning in everyday life. I know these past few years have been hard for you, the gap between the two of us, but I also know that there were so many moments filled with so much laughter and joy that truly make you look back and smile. I know by now you are going to be a person that I can’t even imagine right now, and as you look back on 19 year old Ella, I want you to know one thing. That regardless of how you change in these coming years, if things fall apart or don’t go according to plan, or you let people down, know that there is always someone out there who is proud of you and loves you so much, and that is me, 19 year old Ella who is sitting here on the floor in her childhood bedroom typing this letter to you. I am rooting for you. Until we meet again, -Ella <3 1/3/22 12:23 AM