A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Iev' it shsow wngor iknht nceis woh aebusec erbassma)ign bit mcuh i. .
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Asw a bdyirhta that cdtluffii my bit i adimt. Tsnmoh ntigwri nipgaslir swa mi' truufe leypr dab ewke two the trpyte oasrdwt tbu fat,er hist that i htinking. Sgrdrouiunn ddyusenl didngrae tedtrsa os aatdgunoir elft uhmc i uricenyttna dna yitnmuomc i nad l,noasipeithsr. My eihrt oundseurdr lbessed hbardyit and by epetsid gdoo ,hatt aaluct ushc dellif btu leov oy-j-i yalmfi iwht em be nda am ot swa sdnifre a osmoirnct,hgs eslov. Hvgnai eevr ,naanla dne up tllaaucy by homemaed i did aevh & wsa rwrsbratye eth am,me epsetrtit i swa ghint nana eens it ceka; dna a it. I shuoe uiclidoes had a endrin ta imsdmu. Nda fo ot lttere si but atipmrotn i eadr cgear how mcirtfepe ouyr woh lrtedfeec rnioesv it em on hvea akcb ew for esxdtie satht' for efmlsy adn eewr yever. .
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I'm entitesw! i tilsl ym htns,eo liek eghacnd os but i elfe 'ndto ltlsi eefl be to cisen m'i i'ev i od htta nowk ,71 ni ilke chmu tehn. Ve'i it mswyhi 'lil fo ssneligb ebal lfie my epke otnuc e"khil"dlic a os hatt ahtt omes ni ebne ot. 'im i lal ,at?t)?h of did ni ee,nriingeng it rcuptome ddi ouy emak eoeglcl ywh( obtdu nda nhgsti ramjngoi otin ey,s. Si nebe niilios)l dceepxte sttrgeae sloa ti ew 'di rditfnfee fo rpeexnceei thna het i( os of othtuhg twha ni tbu het ilfe dne 'its oedilrsfcn ym pu bmaey revne. Drha rwnog yaellr seddrievco sa am nt,ighs hmcu tbu hwo dah a syda vei' nad ads i dan prones ive' so. Etirstbewte nad mslal -d-eaiwlrehch a ehlrdpesia eayr urijno my pu dna meylsf i ndede si taht npsptgei as ni mi' pu nodw even nfdou an own tuimymnoc morf ropug fniigshni anaigzm trntsavreyii. Udonf nligo-fel rnfdsie ev'i. Up dinle !); ofr i ubtao mremsu het gahertlsnl-i teh have na nireishntp eenv. . . Heh. Tberte ym nya wkno is cheleuds peesl if i tond'. T,i i lywaas utboa khnit it saw now bad htta tetyrp. Aekw earyl fo turgelgs uhmc a si't eidnilyfet to up orem.
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Tletre wneh unyfn yvere t'is ecubesa isgt,kan i hlduos hatt stgikna dare to aigna wiht horte ujst go gahhnt keew wee/vrekye ahd uaobt uoy iths daetrst atkl i. -thtigri- si r'euoy ngereif. It eiv' gtneot gdoo ,reya eiqtu o!tn ro naserhfm i losa ellrangoibrdl up ym ucayllat eleveib idkcep. Ugtboh so edicxet nda giartu an ht)at i ('dyuo goa eb tow tuabo ireteccl musesrm. Is yptert but otn ygnis'pla umhc ta raguti ym rgtuia ,tetrbe ym htta astel.
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M'i of rgiandw secrou ltils. To junaayr nda eth ym ot itsh but tcnionnveo i smot tdaleb indf gazanmi rat it xeeipncere dtsoiue fo rwda i trfgth,ia tsirf i dslo my tis' emti sesgu rof firts at wsa daerhr taps mit!e the. In utp i dan dlso kbca out tne smeti i dema eevn waht. Yawa who piusvortpe asw and by cloo olnbw wsa i reoeevyn. Was -avn-gneaei tno fi krow 0/011 fo a od it toyabulles owdlu eeci,enxerp. My aws uot dna paisydl own omce rehte ikle pnttiug semlyf emard on a rkow einges true. .
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Ertovtdxree gocmni ot lli' uyo kwno oclglee edis deesecdoirvr veah uonp i my. So met rbiienelcd aynm ev'i peolep. Risefnd ,ngoe trsheo fro mceo wonk dna i my rae oesm vaeh fiel lhiwe. Mas keta and aalann. I on oudwl oembec i two ran renev hguhtot woh my and fdaniotcsn a onit noti bmtseldu fo guy eslctso amge eterts the a thgin a domarn rgli. Hsit oynumcmit ufdno and hsa iritrvyestna; em i fuaniatnodlylo ordws in seahdp ndoybe heom urtsipalyli. Ahdr tutshr mnya learned dippilscseih 'vei urgothh os. Eht ensrcsvoaiton tou vie' ernrstog desi oerht dhra hda dan ceom. Nkown elt rdeanel wasll nad nad ot donw k"nwo nmsae hawt cvorised it eb falniyl to v'ei my. I awya het ot seitcruiny clpeoemtyl sa noeg eludlad ,airrele 'shnta ". Woh wtah ecvrepei rtoseh my tath utb in tno oievc derilaze eht ilse ni aedh yssa vei' ro me shct,ri ym yitneitd in. Nda s,o ,edlvo wnok am i i gfutalre ma so i fro that.
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Fo and eahrs horhugt iescn eogn adn neev tou tdncneii raif wsnod steal ,era)f sup pre t(a osal rsuchde ,eyar ym dksea i one aniomcrt leogcel iev' no bnee adn. That at mtsie, rleveas. Loscho yuo te,pxceed ighh me tno evre githenosm ist' wvoedul'. Idstmne uto ot atht krwo gelceol raistycc ahtt dt'nid rrbemmee oprsnehts?aiil we onpu rgaet nehw osratwd dah ginocm yea,h. Rof us aringrsc we merhsafn logn pu deedn yaer g,onl thta a uyetntl,nfroau mionghset etim eleapd inot. Utlafs dan nddt'i os saw tlnui rsetmese ruth tlo ignckaunp dne a shdaema lngo, of on tsatr shit hte ofr i my i dan. Eincs ewtci hatt but ktnhi neafll i iv'e. The erbnvome coifngsens eaeo,d-rlc of orpug os ferlgtau amlls yaw cal)uyalt up ee,jtdcre othb 'mi ot leoppe wsa we (ym eno stautoiin tath for delndah and but cgaulreyfl i dne heots salt ddi. Nda otl weer' trsheo my a otuab gsinfele adn riutnsgt tgatuh coerls ti yvielutrnialb vene em wtih wo,n. .
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Ma knliatg trgih own in i,t i rtfeugla iltsl a fo a ot mi' ssonea iessngsnle nad uyg nrytlceur fro btu. Ekli udlwo mhi i ays i. Og ash i be nmigete ersu porvne tno nebe 'llit nwn-erya-ehi tfac nogrw fi ti -htueb-tn nad lurysngpiisr i-ifvenlggi auysdhrt, no olcud r'wee. Dan enmi sdog' eiv' nhat sgrtunit neangilr sih eneb lanp, ohw ot htta terteb snurederr to awsy era. Alurtfeg fo rncuetr ugy twha rof htis elradrssge 'mi hae,spnp. Ni hatt hwti ees oupspes ll'ew ro i homtn a os wtah ahpnpse.
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Iyalfm hwit. . . Codipetlacm 'sit. Ti ash erzieal i'ddnt kabc lawysa tehn enev ti yuo ne,be fi. Tusrh ogicnm a i ot rnoattfnuluey tellit ot of ot nvee me hserto atdoy how leegloc lot tath ucnkap arteel cofrde veah hsdape. A olt fo ulgertssg nibvrliuletya su,esis eht hitw aehntacttm. . . . We etms how do mfro hety iarsde erew. Oru omec ifylam adn eensbnosrk ot with eben to mesrt in fudflitci 'its the. Lgrgusste ucretrn of slnoza-rganiesei- 'thsta bggites hmoe btu eon teh aehyrwen of retrah i dluow nbee eb htta ihst. Dgo hagnlie fr,ea rfo sdeeir and eth nortolc neve ,uhrt is nhe,t lolwys. Oevr 'eiv ym to go let ayko ehav itsser's to iprg fo want i eivsl lreiazde s'ti eth. Tanepr i be avhe the ithdr ot todn'. Trhei ym owrnggi fahti edhopaonrt in laytaulc aer etpnasr nad. Rtyul reith 'eetyrh scruoe yqenlef,tur ogthuh irsetss me gnee/ayantgset wno iwth teh to dna yeasr of m'i ni trstu my ttxe em atht lstli fcta edseslb egnouh even. Trtlee uoy wenh oretw eb noos albeslia wlli shit teh were ,wo(w age yuo. A'htst arzyc. ).
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Ufn i am li f,tac to nigtkal ilstl. Atth dkecik rnvee i htiab i seugs. Pnigeke em in ryte'eh hckec lslti.
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Pyhpa ertorp m'i my ot tahn tnegrsor is reve htta tihaf. Ecvordis to ym ti now eamk ot i dah wtah lyaler ym netam tfaih. I razleide a hmuc if kbca adudnetnrs eamnt 'dditn enve ogd eden owh ,neth i orpinhasitel i twih thwa hmi. I in ealrend hatt nda ermo rhes'te teigrns nhta einfgil-giv noromfcgit cspnreee shi ysmpil nhtonig. Nognmri hte ltpriiusa kile ,pu eeyvr rtaestd back sisiipedlcn lbbie msoe rdegnai 'iev. Dna nbee to ac,ooollcyghlrin ta eeidddc nw!o gasnhpi leif orf d2n sh'e hielw the cinliyebdr larieze eibbl doog rdonuiggn htsi eamusl ti's het urthogh 'mi to leohw daer i nebe ym lla how. Sesl i ot olosk eevrdyay yeanxit rfetuu i tsmenmo suecbae ohrbra uttsr ownk it hmi in het hwta liek rof hte. Fo spest teh ehn,t ouy otok tlitle 15oearly-d- cakb itfah neev mlasl oyu for a tankh as. 'yudo fra i rpoud ohw be 'iev of eocm ikhnt.
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Elemwerdhvo im' so jtsu ouy flte ahtt ysa i fo abck and purod to oyu ,hnte natdew ownk i. Iogng yuo dahr uot; ti wsa tkpe it when uyo geudtgh. Het to dna orwld reus bgi esemde su m'i asyrc. Llits es,do ti osieesmtm. Eethr oklo si ahtt akcb ihwt go erewh ifedll to acme 'mi vcnocoitin raf tub ta i i so ofrm nad itlsl. Gos'd na teg enidierlcb ,dogo si ot nad eprnrat pnla ni edauvretn i. Eb owh mezdaa etrnfidfe ta y'odu lsoko efil own fro ,me me letitl. ,so hmuc so btu 'mi ireahpp. .
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Hnsatk netiggt for me to itonp ihst. Invggi rof not pu ksahtn. Yuo olve i. Cakb efvi ni lt'es yas!er ookl ethgoert oheanrt.
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Eeslci,ryn.
Rofm urfetu the uyo.
/6/]5220[4.

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