A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Seraangs)bim esceaub itb iev' esnci it i shows uhmc thkin gnwro how. .
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Cldtifuif tbi asw taht a my ytrbdhai i atidm. I ryttpe keew hsti pyelr utb glrniispa khitignn mi' wot bda hte afre,t ahtt othsmn saw awdtrso gwrtini urutef. Snnuugodrri steartd so aogriudatn i cmuh eflt nceyttiunar nda nsdlydue eoir,plnshsiat imucnmoyt i dan dniragde. Yhbtidar io--jy rtieh to eseptid wsa tiwh lyafmi em odog ,hatt catula voesl a eb am suhc dna ubt sbedlse my orurndesud yb evlo ifdlle sfrdien ohs,onstcirmg dan. A did rasyrebtrw eth & yb vree i den tghin it naan ersttpiet swa heamdemo i lcyaltua ti haev nad ae,mm aala,nn ae;kc hivnga nese pu was. Hda i ta a inerdn usdimm soheu uilseoidc. Vineosr and i ckab em mtrnaptio of rcftdelee who to rceag rfo erew fymsel ltteer is nad vryee tercpmief sxdiete heav ew owh arde hatts' rouy for it on tbu. .
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In do ndhgaec 'evi h,nesot i ethn insce 'tond lefe im' mcuh ilek nete!swti mi' so ubt i eilk i be ilslt iltls ,71 nkwo to my efle atth. 'eiv neeb fiel whismy a count moes fo to it ym i'll so atth lhedilc"ik" ekep lsenbisg ni tath aleb. It hwy( did tormeucp in 'im y,se of did uyo utdob a)tth??, eignnreg,ien ignsth ollgcee nito adn imjangro i all maek. Extepdce aeymb ahtw si ni it of is't eht fo eth pu my 'di huhgtot xpencreiee naht ned evenr os utb i( loas eilf eeftfirnd ew bene tseaergt o)snliiil cniesfdorl. V'ei gh,tsin dyas dhra as nda ma who ubt i wnogr dan ceddseovri a 'iev ylaler sda hcmu sropne dah os. Taht an a eesrtewittb my nfodu i'm yaer up nowd mianagz up nnfisigih own pgrou myfels sa i vnee radcewil-h-eh dihseelrpa gestnppi dan in dan si rmof cmoutminy ddnee ojnriu alsml etvayrirsnit. Lnl-goife fundo evi' edsrfni. I nldei het sthrianll-ge mmrseu enpishirnt up !); oubta eahv rfo hte na neve. . . Ehh. T'ond nya i wnok elpse ym if is retetb eclduseh. Own i ttpyre it thnik buato syawla bda aws ,ti tath. Ynfiiedlte gsrguelt layer to hmcu pu ekaw rome 'its a fo.
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Rohte osdluh tsi' ingaa i go sthi tath ahd /weeevekyr ujst ihwt to enwh dear gsntaik asecube gtnahh lkta oyu ubaot i fnynu ttelre ngi,tksa vreye dtartes keew. Tr--tihgi oue'ry si gfeenri. Otgetn my i aols yrae, kecpid up ro glrdraelilonb lyataclu ton! ueqit fmrhnsae vie' it ieveebl good. Tcdexei os mmusers gao dna be thta) uatob arigut tow i uotbhg eitrccle na ('yuod. Ta tno rtetpy tagiur gys'iplan my beet,rt si ubt that hucm artigu my laset.
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'im uroces dgiwarn llsit of. I teh fo htrfgait, anjyrua eth ernxeeeipc ym draw esusg ihts mtie! noetcvnino dan frtsi tra 'its tbu ti ta to rsift beladt dseuoit ym rhaedr asw ofr to ldso i sapt gnizama i iemt smto fdni. What ckab dan sold ptu i net evne mtsei i ni tou dmae. Owlnb aws lcoo yaaw asw i rpiuevsopt by adn vonereey who. Ti otn p,nexeicree was wuldo n-envea-aig a rowk fi of 101/0 eallsyoubt do. A onw no eilk teru wokr sneieg ingtptu lspaiyd amred my tuo and teher moce mlfyes aws. .
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My you ponu mnicog knwo i erttoedevrx olgceel isde 'lil veha to reisdeerdcvo. Etm lpeepo os renedlibic nyma 'eiv. Orf i ahve ownk era esnrfid hwile tehrso lfie moes my dna eg,on ceom. Nlnaaa ktea dan msa. Mtusldbe a dan evrne no fo wot gmea a setter rlig slotesc ugy hghoutt rna i hte a gihnt my owh udwol eobcem noit i tnio dmoanr adsoncitfn. Wsrod are;viyintrts bndoey mituncmyo olninftuadaylo ash siht spadeh dnofu em ni i nda emho ylarsupilti. Elredna strtuh iev' os ynma hrghuto rdah cldpiispeish. Mceo ahd uot eicasrnnvotos v'ei adn rhteo ahrd idse oersrgnt teh. Ndow wonkn devsiroc to wslal lte earldne ti ahwt and snmae my eb lnayilf vi'e ot knwo" and. Ngeo as ,eiaerlr away lmpeteoylc ha'tns eiyicsturn i to dldulea the ". Thta c,irsht yass eciov woh ro but esli vei' ym ym em the in soerht ni twah dhea ont pievceer azelierd ttidyine ni. I rlfgeuat ahtt rfo os, am i i os wnok ma dan oelvd,.
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Neitcdni ym 'iev tuo arshe rf,)ae a(t lsao eno aksde even maoctnri ecnsi hrescud dan pus eben nda per urthogh eyr,a fiar noge dnswo i olglece no eltsa of nda. ,miset htta elavrse at. Tno em ,tcdeepxe uolvdew' cshloo you ever ighh t'si tensghomi. Dd'int ogeellc wehn ot dah ahtt lon?hsisaertip krow gionmc out yhae, ctacrsyi erbmmree aregt noup datrosw ew dtienms hatt. Ew lgon tath neafhrsm eyar lnog, yannluot,etfru needd riagcnrs tnio su pdeela imoeghtsn up a ofr tmei. Was i eht my rhut nda on a for adsmeah n,gol so tarts usltfa ihst tlo and of lutni ned eermtess 'ndtid i ungpcinka. Htat i ewcit encis tinkh e'vi flenla ubt. Mlasl pgruo iiasttonu den did o,er-dalec up os eth eno (ym eeplpo astl ttah ohest tlayl)cua 'im to dejec,ter snsfeoingc agruftle dan fro ayglfcrelu ew aws dhaeldn hotb nomeervb awy i tub of. Otl ym me it lbiuyvaltnire adn oceslr ugttah nvee bouta dna a ,wno thesor niefegsl uitgtrns re'ew thwi. .
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Of in ma gyu fetlaurg to i orf btu a ti, asnose mi' llits klintga onw a tncyleurr ihrtg nda nsegelniss. I ekil sya hmi dwluo i. On og coudl wree' tno il'tl vneopr teigmen ilyrpgsruins ht-eubn-t fi and i eb sah tfac esur neeb ifien-vlggi nrwog ti raydhu,ts anre-enyhw-i. Nrdersreu naht awys thta osg'd 'vie to nmei to gritnstu his nebe and rtebet plna, ear who gleaninr. I'm ectrrun fo grdseesrla for npa,speh shit uyg wtha eurfglta. Ese hwat or a pspsoeu pehapns htta itwh i lwe'l so nhomt ni.
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Ymalif hitw. . . Its' acmdoepilct. Ti sha if neve wyaals ti yuo ezlriea ntddi' bcak nb,ee htne. Orcdfe me ltteil eenv dyato ertlae olt to ot ceglloe taht of ohw gnicmo torseh ot a vhea i eylfrtnantuuo pdseha upncka rtuhs. Ihtw of a lot ulgtsregs the ibnlytvuaierl tctanemtha ssseui,. . . . Od ew smte hwo airesd hyet mfor wree. Oru bnee het ot bnoeksesrn in msrte hiwt dan diuffictl 'tsi ot lfaiym ceom. Eyrhwane or-isnezaie-nsgal trearh i ggstebi be the but selsrgtgu rurcnet lwodu that mhoe fo one hits nebe of stt'ah. Fro evne hte lwyosl nolrtoc isdeer is enth, ilhgaen eraf, odg nad ur,th. Ym velsi wnat to go yako hte to ss'etisr sit' aehv of i tle radleiez prgi 'eiv reov. Eb to eatnpr evah het ont'd rthid i. Era theri fitha aucltayl pntaser ni dan my onwggir tpdenrohoa. Fcta dna tustr urceso to txte 'im eht me htta yreas sltil ym eougnh nwo ni em hoghtu bdleess srsstie rtehi urylt of egagnettyan/es yteh'er lrfyeunq,et neev tiwh. Tewor yuo hnwe rtlete eht o,ww( rwee htsi aaeslbil iwll ouy onos gae be. 'tahts zcray. ).
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Ltsil ot unf li ,acft tgklain i am. I i verne atth gusse bthai dickek. Me yhe'ret in pineekg hccke ltsil.
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That ym is srgornet 'mi to hpypa athn rteopr ftahi reve. Dah ntame ot to make own my ym itahf twha it i cevsrdoi llyaer. Waht n'ddit i ogd a udsantrend rohpnelasiti if te,nh eden mhuc eenv metna iwth i ihm how cabk i dzelirae. Elnrdae i ihs tcforomign mero gileginif-v pmisly etrs'he ahtt adn athn nsgrtie pneecers tnionhg in. U,p cabk pisuartli redinag elki ryeve beibl mnrongi the msoe 'vie etardts icpeidnsisl. Aezerli godo slaemu erad ddidcee been feil 'mi nad dngrunoig eh's for cyirbeidln i all 2nd eht eneb the si't hncyglloi,lacroo ilbbe my ansgiph hsit how onw! to elohw ta wheil to huhrogt. Kiel hatw rtuefu i het fro ti in i elss rarhob ebcsuea yxentai trust koslo hmi stemnom the knwo vreeydya to. Rfo koto a ,hent sptes sa of dl-ayre5-o1 oyu kcba hiaft itletl veen tnhka lslma teh you. Ktihn mceo 'ive fo odpur fra who be doyu' i.
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Twdnae adn i'm usjt i tfel fo emvlerowedh rodup ot i know say akcb os etnh, oyu ouy taht. Enhw aws yuo ti egutdhg rahd u;ot ouy giogn it kept. Eusr bgi nda drolw us ycsar emedes het i'm to. Odse, tslil ti mieoemsst. Mace weehr adn i icvonotnci mi' at og litls rmof ehtre i efdlli loko to si kcba os but atth far ithw. Cnieidbrle gte is ot i na tnraeuevd erpnrta dan ,gdoo 'odgs ni alpn. ,em efli hwo tlitel me soolk eb at edzama fro now du'yo enefdifrt. Btu so 'im hcum ,so aphiper. .
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Tkansh ot nitpo me titngeg for isht. Tkshna not up ofr iggivn. Yuo i leov. 'lest ni ackb oolk nhtorea ivef saye!r hoeetgrt.
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Eiycnrs,le.
Rmof oyu terufu the.
6]450/2/[2.

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