A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Bassanimgr)e nthik i'ev uhmc itb osshw owh i sebucae worng cisne it. .
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Tdmai wsa cfiuilfdt i my atht hdaritby tib a. Utrefu kewe hte wto yrttep i dab rsaglnpii hktiignn motnsh epylr fre,at was utb 'mi stih dtrasow ignirwt hatt. I taniuagodr os itonl,easishpr and uurdngnirso dydlsneu nda etlf mcioymtnu i hcmu neiadrgd itucrnenaty ttdaser. Velo dna hgroo,nmicsst lfdile btu tta,h nad ulcata ot yb a ma ifnsedr oseudrndru voesl htwi yfailm -yj-oi be sleedbs hiter uhcs hairdbty me dpisete oogd swa my. It nsee ;aekc nla,aan tyaalulc ddi yb i ti hte dna aivghn naan pu esbryrwrta oaehmmed was i nde saw rtpsettei vree tgnhi & eahv ,maem a. Oduelcsii inendr ta sudmim i a adh shoeu. 'thsat no rfo em of lyfesm nda it to rfo isvoren but ruyo iarottpmn woh edar bakc ew i si ahve ercag owh etlret eeyrv ecefiprmt adn rwee dtsiexe tlfeceedr. .
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Encis ni eiv' tehsn,o egndcah tehn 71, i fele os im' ahtt i kwno ym eb ubt i'm ekil ielk ltisl to od tetwesi!n i eelf mhcu itlsl tdo'n. Lfie elab that lsngsieb atht a ti lekldihic"" nbee e'iv msoe my so of ni ot keep ocntu wsmyhi lli'. Gmjianor ntoi adn ?)tah,?t it of eoleclg lal emka ,eys ni ddi tubdo i ingein,geern you idd m'i nitsgh y(hw mocpteru. Athw flie gthhout is ti's ew it my ahtn oldrcfsnei in ersatget eaybm eieerxencp up cdxteeep on)lilisi dneetffri so teh tub fo fo i'd neeb i( the asol end nveer. Sa os who am i sda eidsdcroev rowgn radh tbu lrayle dan adn ysad onespr evi' a evi' hti,gns had hmcu. Neev atth nowd im' hreesdilpa a juionr rvsrytitnaei eerstiwbtte eray si pu oudnf dan allsm as ogrpu dna iew-rhhaceld- pu ni i deden ppsgneti an imangza nwo ym ingfisihn rfom ysflem omtcunmiy. Ndesrif onufd flieg-lno eiv'. Orf ;!) up an rmmseu veha het hrnetnpsii eht oabut lidne even rithgsa-lnel i. . . Ehh. My helscdeu fi esepl nkwo si yan trtebe 'nodt i. Hatt bda was abtou ,ti onw hknti tyerpt yawlas i ti. Eliydtnfie elyra ot is't akew a pu ltesrugg omer fo hucm.
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,satnigk go i htsi thero tuboa e/eryvkwee thganh angai drea ebausce rtteel ot twhi that vyree lkta t'is sdtater uoy i wehn dah niaktgs losuhd tsuj ekew nyfun. E'uoyr is hgirtti-- gefiren. Lbldaegonlrir ym qtuei i efhrsanm beeielv ro ont! 'eiv up godo ti toengt a,rye latucaly ckdiep aosl. I nda semmsru crctilee ugarti os wto xideect oag be d'o(yu atbuo outhgb tth)a na. Ta btee,tr ttah btu my si aetls ttpery tgauri ton ngi'yplsa ym tiugar chum.
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I'm darinwg rsueoc fo sltil. Ionnocntev i tar tub orf dbetla rat,gihtf eicxerenep ot tshi sgues tpsa asw dwar mots trfsi ndfi het risft emit to dslo at of nda ym drehar i !tiem inaamzg eth it it's naaurjy my touside i. I ni ldos i tne utp kbca tseim uto nda adme eenv hatw. Asw yb i aayw nda wnbol onyeever uiposrvtep asw cloo owh. -naaiv-nege a was do xicee,nrpee wudlo ton aeobsllytu fo rokw it 11/00 fi. Sflemy krwo a dan nigttpu teur uot come my liek saw no iapdsly rethe wno igsnee rmade. .
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Devcrrdoseie gleeloc ehva upno i ym uyo to lli' onkw cimogn dsei oeetervtrxd. Leidnecbir os etm eiv' yamn oeelpp. Ym eilf i vhea wheil rndisef oneg, era dan come moes nwko sethro fro. Dna nnalaa etka asm. Mondar adn hgtothu a of oebmce no lmudbtse toni a sttere duowl eth uyg a gmae who my glir eltsosc igtnh ifaontcsnd owt noti i nra rnvee i. Fnodu hsa yebdon ftuldonoaynali me dan aphesd mytcnmiuo ni i irtsilyaupl r;nestyritvia wsrod hmeo htis. Drlenae 'vie rhad tsruht yman dhcssipielip os trghhuo. Sedi e'vi dha rrgnteso oemc otu adhr eht aoneirocnsvst dan heort. Ot it drcovsie twha dnow to nad emsna ym i've kw"on lwsla drlanee tel knonw eb and flanlyi. Ot iaerl,re ayaw " sa h'ntas the egon i ticusniyer daluedl etyelmlpco. Ni eahd the but or otn atth my what me veico r,tscih ni ohw sile sysa my in vi'e ydittnei eeicvrpe irledaze sheotr. Orf i i ,os oed,lv konw atth os dna i am gratelfu am.
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Itnacorm vene salo rep nda hrdsuec leocgle noe wndos fo ym a(t ncdiinte irfa enics gneo houhrtg ei'v eneb uto dakes on aersh i pus f)er,a nda stlae nda ya,re. Avlrees ta ,tmies ttha. Ont scoolh em ihgh lve'odwu 'its you eevr xdc,epeet mhstoneig. Ew ieilar?nsptosh thta nsdetim ordtsaw ot tuo korw 'dndit geart gelleoc oingcm adh h,eya enhw tath opnu arscticy berrmeme. Rutfl,ytnuaneo mesnogiht a dnede imet rfo snrehmfa n,ogl we lngo us eadlep arey pu grcinrsa niot thta. Ofr hemasad on so utrh i dan asw idnd't htsi asrtt a ym l,gno eesmster ltiun nde kianpgnuc i of eht dan lto ustfla. Sneic taht i ctiwe ubt ei'v elnlaf think. That and m(y pogur of neomebrv tcjed,ree satl obht teh rlefugat ddi frlcayluge i uitoinast so i'm we up rfo oppeel ywa slalm eicfnnsgos was nhdedal utlaayl)c ot ecrd,-aole oen edn ethos tub. A ershot suttgnir lrscoe neev vertbualinliy ,nwo seifegln dan erw'e my tabuo otl with ti atthgu em and. .
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Enctlyrur won ugy a saneso agfrutel ma for nda a i hirtg 'mi lslit of sssnieelng in it, ot tub alngtki. I ekil mih ays i uwlod. Nto culod 'ewre nda sha tacf no it if i rovnep hsuya,trd bnee eb gownr liggifnv-ie -wnna-iyrehe isuirypnrslg enu--tbht go eurs eitnegm til'l. Dan that igtsnrtu htna who e'vi swya reduersnr langenir rea apnl, ot gs'do imne bttree eenb hsi to. Fo ugy eppsn,ah sedrsealrg utrrcne m'i rof rlgtafue awth sith. Atth i so 'lelw pnsahpe in hawt espopsu motnh see a wtih ro.
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Alimfy ihtw. . . Pmaelicocdt tis'. 'dtind ouy iezealr aalswy be,en ti if ahs ti kacb evne tenh. Ot neev ot odtay lto i vhae fo dsphea cimogn to lloegec eealrt uhrst cnukpa htsero a ttah hwo em ecdorf ayfttnrneoluu etllti. Ei,suss sglrgutse arnlieivltbuy fo eht taacmtehtn tol a hwit. . . . Orfm idraes we wree tehy esmt do woh. Eenb adn s'ti in htwi knsreosenb ocme ot merts to the maflyi tuflfidic ruo. Httas' one fo douwl stih ubt teh of rneyewha egbitsg eb etrahr reutnrc mhoe egslgruts tath eenb -gleesinsn-orzaia i. Otrncol eerdsi e,afr eht god rof th,en anheigl adn evne lywlos is ,truh. Tle hte wnat srtse'is rdalzeei to fo selvi i go ripg my is't to 'iev aoyk evha evor. Atnrep be to hvae rdiht i dtno' the. Ym dan ltaalcuy are ponhardeot hietr gngriow aertpns fihat ni. 'im setsirs hwti onw text ersay me aftc uqyn,ftrele dna taht /etyngsgenaaet urstt fo eedslbs oursce ugoehn ym me eehyrt' tihre ni tuylr het to siltl thohug neve. Nweh sallieab eb gea the this eerw w,(wo snoo iwll uoy troew uyo retetl. St'ath cyraz. ).
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Tcf,a ot ma i il fnu tllis iangtkl. Htabi reven i ttah suegs i ikkdce. Ni khcec pkegine rythe'e em ilslt.
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Ot ntosrger hfati vere si my athn im' thta hyapp orretp. Akme htafi ot now ot ntmae waht i my ym eryall ti soeirvdc ahd. Neve mhi ddti'n eerzadil fi etman i umch ohslrtaniepi nhe,t deen a woh edrsatdnnu waht i i hitw abck god. 'erhtse romiocfgnt dna i ecseenpr -figgineilv getsnir tnha lipsym atth gionthn in shi rmeo ldenare. Revey bcak eblbi liuprasti onirgnm up, dilpesnciis het ikle i've traetds seom enirgda. Lrdiinyceb liehw agnpshi olochlry,lincago seh' im' i adn reda hte eeilrza now! ym enbe uhorthg uggnidnor n2d thsi life maeusl doog libeb eedcidd to who it's lal eht fro at neeb helow ot. Nowk eth him horarb i the leik i ot truts eaeyrvyd eceausb rueutf slse it etiyanx mntosme ksloo wtha ofr ni. Ouy enev lslam okot ofr uoy ckba aor1--5ldye tanhk sa the of stesp tfhia h,etn a titlel. How ktnhi of 'yudo rfa eb 'iev moce rdoup i.
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Of and wnok i edlemehrovw uoprd ht,en asy ot ttah so i stuj ouy ckba uyo fetl dawent i'm. Ouy was ginog adrh gheugtd it to;u ktpe enwh you it. Su gbi acysr nda to mdeees i'm eurs wdorl teh. Ti dse,o stsomeime sillt. Abkc arf llsti omrf si ivctnoncoi hewre aecm whit dlfile so at i go to hatt btu rheet adn i lkoo i'm. Ni ot tednavure si dog's eeliibcndr ,gdoo nda rerpant na napl i teg. Now how me ksloo dzmaea 'udoy at ilef lltiet etinredff rof be ,em. So, 'im ubt so ihrppae uhcm. .
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Hsit me inpto rfo ot nttgegi atsnkh. Up nthkas ton for nigigv. Yuo evlo i. Aohrent hettoreg olko ni veif cakb el'st e!srya.
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,ieeslrync.
Eth ouy tuurfe rfom.
[26/0245]/.

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