A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

It eucasbe uhmc ohw i ms)banergasi bit sncie kniht howss i'ev gworn. .
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My hatt i aws amtid a dhtryiab ulctiiffd bit. I tub bda rt,fea 'im trypet tnwiirg iths saw wtordas hte eekw epyrl tfeuur otw ttha omsnth alrinsgpi knhiting. Nda iunrgsundro ritni,aeshposl umhc nutdagrioa daesrtt redidgan so i and nmuciymto yleddsnu i fetl nttyuricane. Tsnm,hsioorgc was udounersdr ma io--jy twih iendrsf dogo me eb aidyrhtb pitsdee a nda tub to blsdsee teihr ym by elov dan flmiya tauacl fillde cuhs ,tath lvsoe. & asw naan llytaauc hte i reev itngh ense edmahmoe it yb saw tserpttie a haev it ned dan i inhagv ;akec ,aemm ddi laaa,nn wrarbsrtye up. I dha iusmdm ouehs a enirdn at ledcouisi. Is hsatt' femyls emiftpecr of sornvie reda nda ti i verey tsiedxe cegra on rfo eltrte ot btu tiornmpta who ew rof wree have oruy rdeeletfc adn ohw kcab em. .
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I ym nthe btu keil 17, ot itlsl sneci don't stlli 'vie ncgehad i ttah i i'm nowk os in efle flee ilek uhmc eins!wett ,seonht eb i'm do. Mihwys a os ni ti evi' ebla omes gibenssl eneb flie id"lhlikec" ttha hatt ot peek ncuto my 'lli fo. 'im did niot of in a,t)??th y,se cuormtpe adn eie,inrenngg lal raojingm did lleoceg oyu thsgni i yh(w aemk utbdo ti. We twha file thghtou i( anht cepeedtx s'it si etgatesr bmyae eth dne tub csnrlfoeid so of eevrn in)loilis ti id' fo oals fedetnrfi ym hte eben ercpxneeie in pu. Dhar am sad i dsay adh a but v'ei nad nad nrpeos so as sn,gthi ddircevseo ongrw lelrya 'eiv muhc ohw. Gopur hatt is na dna aznmaig pu ritsnerviayt masll up nwo ni ym iheadpelsr insiingfh cuoiymnmt as fmro needd mfsyel donfu irebettewts gppneits and 'im onwd aeyr i nvee a urionj h-he-alrcdeiw. E'vi ounfd golilef-n rndseif. Rfo an eht mesumr i enrtih-glsal pnhtiesrni );! vahe even denli up obuta the. . . Hhe. Erttbe eelps ym fi onkw odtn' heedulcs si i yan. Atht aylasw obtua reyptt tikhn dba ti now it, aws i. To rlyae ilfydneite a pu rmeo of kwae gtlrsgeu mchu i'ts.
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Tish htta i /eeeywkevr gksnait jstu i yufnn tleter twih had oyu ot atkl go 'tsi otbua keew erda oerth gnskait, ohdlus hgatnh whne vreye bcseaue agian trstead. Eigefnr ey'rou si -gh-titir. Relbrnligalod or i aosl my caylluta vie' !otn uiteq pu ttngeo emrfhans oodg decipk lveiebe ar,ye ti. (dy'uo eb os i hgtoub autbo tat)h usrmsem ruaigt adn letcerci wot na ciedxte aog. My rtytpe e,ettrb etals much utb is arutgi otn sn'liapgy ym at irugta taht.
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Ltisl fo dingawr suroec i'm. Raaujyn itsh i i for btu irsft ta my ti ie!mt etdlab adrw spta losd readrh het etmi ot asw repnceixee tra tsirf to teh i ifdn tusideo itnonecovn i'st ym smto agmzain of ifh,tragt gsues and. Edma tuo tpu and mitse twah cbka i nte even dlso i ni. Eeernvyo dna yb nowbl iorvutpspe wsa i hwo oolc away was. A fi oseybtllua od fo wlodu ti aws v-niege-naa ont krow ie,ceeprnxe 0011/. Moce my rokw efmysl edamr rteu keli saw out dna gpntitu now sieegn sdpalyi a no rethe. .
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Gnmioc ot ym ill' kown heav ttevoerderx eisd i eodeivcerrds uoy lgceeol npou. Etm inrlebdeci eleppo so v'ei anmy. For dan ewhli i omes niesdrf ym n,oge ear lfei hsoter onkw ehva ocme. Adn msa annaal ekat. Ran a envre teetrs htgin celsots guy wto eth luowd otin ym nad iton slubmdte sfidantnco of a huhottg rgli comeeb hwo ordamn mage i i a on. Tihs fdoun yoebdn tt;asnivirrye eohm uldynoaolnfati wsrod i puilyistlar yitmomncu nda em ni pdsahe sha. I'ev htustr hghrout os lreenda csilihsipped hrda anym. Tuo vensircontosa oemc iesd thero rgnrtose eth drha nad had evi'. Ot nok"w owdn tle reenlad to eb snmae my laswl dan liafynl ti dna ahwt vie' irecvdso onnwk. " uelladd ctlyeleomp yntucesiri waay a'thsn ,irreeal gnoe i sa ot teh. Hte ceiov ve'i thwa ,rihcst ssya ni hade eisl etrohs utb laeezdir atth ni tdyitein my ni piveceer me my otn or woh. Am dna os o,lved i lfreugta i konw am tath for so, i.
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Eslat tou vi'e ecsin olsa enog dinceitn rpe f)r,ea mtiranoc noe elelcgo dan dseka urshcde psu on i share of dan ,aery my been hgurtho nad enev rfia donws ta(. At i,etsm vaesler atht. St'i gmsionhte hihg em uoy te,ceepxd reve not holocs 'wvuoled. Htta to iccsaryt mmeberre nitd'd llegceo idemstn hda henw gater he,ay we cnomig pnou wasrtdo uot rlihatsenio?ps htat work. Olng a su nito ,long nehmoigts uunay,eorlnttf up erhmnfsa ew aelepd reya dndee emit nigcrrsa rfo htat. I os rfo tind'd shti eth gnol, i sttra lusatf a tol nda lnitu fo ahdesma ym ned aws nickuapng and rtuh on etermess. I ceisn lelafn thta tnihk twice ubt ei'v. Os hnaddel ayw i dna nde 'mi acltayu)l (ym grfuaylelc satl neomvebr btu did pelpeo dore,-ceal fngnscsoei thseo of we for trejeed,c tniitasou up oen ot tboh pogur teh rgufleat mlsal aws atth. Nad about iwht w,no oslcer abruytleniilv em ym a rosteh lot dna ttsrungi rew'e ti uhtgta eevn esinlfeg. .
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Nwo slitl fo ni a tkinalg senlensgis t,i mi' eansos ytnrelrcu lufgetar a dan ubt to rhgti i ygu rfo am. I i ays him ldowu kiel. Tno sah eigf-lvniig etegmni i eb ti og ocdlu on bene user if ynwr-eei-nah nda wgonr ttn--hbeu w'ere cfat 'illt peovrn h,rdsauyt ruirsyligspn. Rsuerdern athn dan i've og'sd ot who ttah ustrtnig to enrgalni ywas hsi niem rea ,paln ertbet neeb. Ihst hatw i'm ofr uetgrfla runecrt lagesdserr of ppneha,s uyg. Ese a le'lw htta in i epnsaph ro os whti htmon hwat sopeusp.
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Filmya itwh. . . Sit' doicetalcpm. Neev akcb has ti tenh sayalw idntd' yuo fi ee,nb it arleeiz. Evah ot litlet cgelleo ltutoeyannurf lto edspha ot me fo a esthro vnee to kaucpn ohw altere i creofd surht that tyaod nmcgoi. The isssue, mttecanaht a tegsrslug tlo lyblarnutviei fo itwh. . . . Idsrae mtes tehy do we rofm ohw rewe. Imlayf eht rmtes eneb dna fuildcitf omec itwh s'ti ot ot nrbseksneo uor ni. Ywnehera be eggrtlssu fo cnruret eno emoh tihs ttah of tth'as dwulo ubt gebtigs i eben hte anoa-eignes-lsizr aertrh. Hnt,e aglenhi eevn lsowly for fe,ra adn t,urh is hte oncrtlo ogd disree. Ot iv'e srtes'is rldeazie igpr of oerv akoy hte og to tel watn veah ts'i livse i ym. To 'todn aevh i eth itdrh aptrne be. Ftiah tnpsrea in ym are dan goinrgw aclutyla hoeoatrdpn ihert. Hgeoun 'thyeer etysnegna/tgae hgouht rsucoe wno in sbslede rssiets taht ltils ym turst dan me yarse tihre txte to fo m'i teh eq,fruyntle actf veen with em rltuy. Rtltee osno owrte whne oyu be ilwl easablil eag ow(,w itsh oyu eht erwe. Cyzar sth'ta. ).
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Fun ac,tf lsilt am gtlknia il to i. Ideckk esugs i htta i iathb nerev. Hy'eret kiepegn in em hecck stlli.
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Rropte vere atifh 'im ahtt my hpypa to is sterngro nath. Tneam really eamk my scvrideo ot athif ym twha dah i to it nwo. Nhte, i i dtresnunda a woh hcum dnee thwa gdo 'itdnd iwht hmi neve atemn iialspnretoh kbca if dlaezier i. Cesernpe ish drnleea i ilg-ngifeiv gtiersn emro atht naht ehter's in yisplm goncotrimf tgiohnn nad. Aursiiplt 'eiv ekli blbie ryvee kacb seartdt dnsciepisli ,up semo mgnroin the dniegra. Dna rdae ta rzileea ot my oduninggr i teh nilreyidcb ielwh ot st'i deeicdd the woh ihts feli 2nd won! all rof im' hewol eh's eneb lbeib snahpgi gdoo lnyollrhc,iagooc hohtgur umslae eebn. Teh utrst eth htwa elss rof i ot uscabee wnko in mhi aeyrveyd teaixny ksloo it orbarh i efuutr keli mtmesno. Fo het et,hn otok cbka itafh tkhan stpse llsam neev uyo 5l-eodya1r- ofr leiltt yuo sa a. Woh coem iknth eb yod'u vi'e afr ourpd i fo.
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Of 'mi tjsu and ouy fetl to dourp yuo i eoevlrdmhew tnedaw bakc onkw ttha so nt,eh yas i. Ti oggni epkt you uoy it saw uegtdhg enwh t;ou hard. Su meesed gib nad teh ot rcysa rowdl i'm esur. Mmiesetso d,ose lilst it. I'm i i mcea dan tslli ttah tncnioovic go utb raf cbka kool is ehert so at ofmr htwi to weehr lefidl. Arnrpte do,og teudanerv na in and d'ogs to lcindirbee is alpn i tge. Won sloko em, ta aaezmd 'oydu eb tietll etfrndfei woh rfo flie me. 'im chum ,so pehipra so but. .
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To tonpi isth ttgeign em tkhasn fro. Gviing ton fro hksatn pu. I vloe you. E!syra oolk eorthna in kcba ifev gtreothe es'lt.
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N,ecelryis.
Frmo fetuur oyu hte.
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