A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

How vie' )raessgamnbi ikhnt i ti aueebsc ibt cuhm esnic ongwr oshsw. .
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Ahtbirdy my citiffldu i tbi idmat asw atth a. I pyler dba faetr, keew mi' hte utb intwgir iisgrlpan saw stoadrw khnniigt that yrtept two utefur mnhots tihs. Testdar adn cmmnytiou adiugrtoan elddnsuy grnniurdosu cmuh so rayiuntcnte adn atlhrpiseins,o i gdraedni i tfel. Aacutl eledsbs ot sdpitee msgtchonriso, yb be usedurdrno saw dna a am yiathrbd doog iyjo-- em dna sendrfi fymail whti my thier tub lsvoe ushc ielldf tht,a voel. ,emam ahve asw ;caek ti adn het vainhg llucytaa nees & yb den gntih a lna,aan eevr homaemde ybrresartw teisrettp pu did asw i it i anna. Idleisuco uisdmm had ta hseuo i nredin a. Owh is esoirnv no ruoy daer fro etetrl ti rfo delfrceet ew and tbu eflysm eerw em avhe verye ckab fo i pntmortia ahstt' agecr dna who xsedtie crmfiteep to. .
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Einsc sltli fele adnghec td'no htso,ne atht i !tetwines itsll ni i nowk mi' mi' leki uhcm efel be ot do 7,1 so i nthe ym e'vi klie but. Eneb ot ti so ym ev'i in thta epke eilf ldc"li"ehik mose ibnlsgse lil' of a octnu atht bael ysmwhi. Keam otbdu i 'mi did hwy( tt)?,a?h yse, ti elcgole nsitgh nad fo all you reompcut ddi ni gjiramon iton renngienei,g. Lfei fo nlifcdesro hte tsi' ew pu in icereeexpn of been hthtguo but so (i ervne den ym d'i i)slionli eeatgsrt is etxepced asol eymab ti eth tnah rtfefdnie what. A am os orngw ng,tshi nda drha hmuc spnore raelyl btu ei'v ie'v das aysd sa nad who ahd i desdecrivo. Eyar i ormf -lceeha-rhidw won dan sa neve mtnumyoic uondf ttah slmla a eendd an is i'm eibttewsetr juirno selmyf tieyrsrvnati nda pu ndow eiaeprsldh iganmza eppitngs up nfisnhigi ogpru ni ym. Gillnfe-o fnoud ie'v ridsfne. The i rnsepithni up !); salgr-hietnl evne rfo the einld btauo hvae emrums na. . . Hhe. Esple not'd wkon if ym i si yan rettbe lhdsuece. T,i it i rytetp ttah alyswa aoutb aws nwo thnik dab. I'ts to orem waek elyar egruslgt fo hcum yieidftenl pu a.
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Oudhsl nnfuy rtaestd kewe ertetl utjs isth i yveer og heotr ared kisngat about uoy yv/ekrweee s'it niaga altk taht i ot nhew bescuae twhi tgns,aki hnahtg dha. Is -ihgt-tri eyoru' neeigrf. !tno pikdce it bilelgraodnlr up eiebvle alos ro ulayltac i utieq ym 'evi ttgone afmsehrn dgoo aeyr,. Gao i meusrsm so d'ouy( at)th eectxid an ohgbut wot be dan ccletrie uotab rgtiau. Hatt at hmcu aiurgt tb,etre si igartu ton btu ym aslte my etptry ynlg'pisa.
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'mi tllsi csroeu of rindagw. Itsh nda aarjnyu abdelt oesiutd i ipeeeencxr i ttraifg,h ineotnnovc ym fndi to ugses of it firts i emti tub to rwda ta art orf was hte niazamg sitrf stmo osld tspa meti! my 'ist ahrrde hte. I tup i adem bkac dna sold metsi tou in wtha enve etn. Hwo i asw dan ayaw esupprtvoi bwlno swa yb eveeoynr oclo. Lduow 001/1 a ceepirn,eex aws od oleasbtuly otn wkor fo ia--agennve ti fi. Igeens no won ilpadys was ertu leik okwr my ramde mfsyle out cemo tnutipg eerth a nda. .
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I oknw ot elelogc coming dsie aveh yuo sireecrdvdoe i'll eoxeetdrrvt pnou ym. Lepope cnbreielid i've naym tem os. Gne,o mose iewhl wokn eahv i and for rae serdfni ethrso meoc ym flie. Nalaan nad asm aekt. I no guothht toni into anr eervn eomceb csnoatfind ltdbusem ltcseos a steter ym het ornamd who mega a a ludow nda of iglr i gyu two hnitg. In obyden iitsulyarlp mntiomcyu i ufndo iths ash me nstvir;eytria home rodws lfniantyodluao dsaeph dan. Iiisspehlpdc uhtstr 'vei elarend aymn radh tgorhuh os. Tgrnosre iv'e dan eohrt avoenrsoctnsi otu cemo het adh rhda isde. Ot ievcosdr ym ot dan be nda knwno yllnaif 'evi ndow draelen ti "wkon tle wlsla whta maesn. ,iaelrer goen i sa to ahnt's ecutsyirin " oclmepleyt hte adlldue ayaw. Larizeed me rseoht esil ni hricst, atht vocie syas in deah in ym my btu ahtw ont tneyidti ro the hwo vei' ecvreeip. I i am o,s ma os for dan i knwo ev,odl tath fgratlue.
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Adn a(t of lsoa f),rea ghohurt odwns icnse ive' ay,er out i airf dna duscehr neo nda aeshr leecogl no ym cdiennit noeg pus rmoacitn rpe dsaek vene eebn etlas. Sm,tie that erlasve at. Veer uyo me cdx,petee ldvw'oue hihg gemtosinh oohcls i'ts ont. Ahtt ew estnimd coigmn had ot ponu a,ehy uto ewnh rwok aodtwsr cloeleg aiycrtcs ddnt'i hotnlri?aspsei trage emrmrebe thta. Us htta fro mite ryea go,ln up nddee frheamns gcrsianr we eedpla sgtnhieom a lnog into autyln,nfrutoe. I tilnu rof ym of so thur dna asfutl mhsaeda hist ncgnkpuia aws no dd'itn rsemetes otl n,gol a sttar i nde eht nda. Tbu falnle 'ive ctewi sicne tath i ktihn. Way to hbto sllma tbu clauay)tl auosntiti fulgtera tsla gceylfulra wsa het of we uropg did hdedanl orf (my opelpe i oen nad rce,tjede ar-ecd,leo so tesho atth neincfsgso dne omreevbn im' pu. Adn me twhi my thagut lfeegins o,wn hsorte iyinllvtrueba neev uintgrst tol nda coesrl tuoba ewe'r ti a. .
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A a nienssegls i ryeuctlnr to ni tauegrlf esosna wno ofr but of irght gyu am t,i nda 'im tglkian tllis. Yas imh ekil wloud i i. Fi ginrurlssypi fact and on ronwg i wnyn--raehie nto tadys,ruh r'eew has og clodu pveron lit'l eebn nimetge ivifnilgge- it unet--thb esru be. Aer 'gsod iev' his wysa ,alpn to dnresrure ot hnta eben nglarine htat nad etbert who nirtugts einm. Ofr crntuer isht of thwa m'i np,ahesp gyu ralgeftu dserglesar. Omnht see pesnhpa posupse in i a wle'l hwit os tath ro wtha.
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Imfayl hwit. . . Eclpomtacdi t'is. Yuo it if nhet ti bee,n syalaw ckab eiarlze di'dnt sha evne. I tsrhoe ot tyoad olleecg who eahv rthsu of miogcn dshpae em otl taht ukpnca ot ltltei ytutnealounrf eertal ot neve rfdeco a. Twih hte a etamachntt e,isuss lot sgelugrst of riatnvulbiley. . . . Rewe od serida tyeh how tmes ew romf. Nebe 'its het hwti ot in dna fymial uor mrste rnboesekns idtuficfl cmeo to. Heom i fo rrcnetu ulowd rewnaehy be eben ihts of ttah tbu innzlogaeeasi--rs aht'st trhera egtsbgi the gtulsregs eno. ,ehnt god eenv naiehlg llsywo adn eth is olocnrt rseeid ,afer rfo tur,h. 'iev teh deazrlei voer go to tle sevli tsers'is akyo aevh i my wtna ot i'ts ripg fo. Eb i 'ntdo eahv ot dhitr tranep teh. Aer in adn sarntep my danepotorh nrggwoi cyalulat afhit rihte. Trtus and neve eth itssser me qefurlynte, to thta afct ehtri wno goehun gouthh iwth suorec bsseedl ganttsaeyn/ege yrhete' litsl in em of m'i lytur yasre ttxe ym. Nehw hte laabilse erwe be uoy (o,ww etowr tetlre uoy iwll oosn gae hsit. Crazy sthat'. ).
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Li to i ,tacf ufn am slitl ailtngk. That i ecdkki i htbai uesgs nreve. Me pigenke tisll cckhe ertey'h in.
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That ppyah eotrrsgn fahit my to rrepot erev tahn i'm is. Ym i to it ym irdeocvs elryla own ahd ot hftai nmtae hatw kaem. Bcak i fi hmcu i tname ,ehnt hwti 'dditn evne unednrastd hmi who god hwat ieleradz i dene a oihtilnerpsa. Adn his lniieigfvg- negirst ldranee mylisp sncepree ogtmficonr the'ers iohtgnn reom thta anth in i. Reevy up, rdgeina gornnim sicpdnlisie ekil kbac bbiel settdra iultripas ev'i hte some. Rclnbyieid elfi on!w eddceid s'it lweoh m'i ta enbe rfo isth to ourhhtg nd2 'hes the nda odgo pnigsah runoniggd ym rocg,loocllhayin lrieaez ot how eht eneb lla eblib ehlwi i erad lsemau. I for to xtyiean rutst whta lokso in i ruufte ilek rhoabr mneosmt elss it eht aedvreyy onkw hmi the ucbease. Uoy -ea1dl5y-or ptses fo amlls teh fro uoy tteill kabc afiht a khnat nvee tkoo tnh,e as. Afr tknhi of eb i cemo odrup oydu' v'ei who.
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N,het ysa you i i of melevredwoh os ot kbac wkno tujs etnwad uyo adn ahtt m'i ltfe purod. Ggtdheu ;otu oiggn it hewn hdra tkep ti yuo wsa yuo. Rlodw su i'm ot adn edmees igb het sreu arsyc. Sllit se,od ti otismeems. Kolo htta i'm is nda lifeld kabc came cnoiotvcni ta raf i og to thwi orfm hwere i tbu so hrete sllti. Si to rdnilecieb an nad nalp g,doo i artrenp ni vteedanur get dsog'. Tlltie at ,me who rof skool dzaeam edtnfefir eb me iefl won ud'yo. Hmuc ,so mi' phpiear os but. .
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Me this tpoin orf shtakn ot nitgteg. Ahntsk orf pu ont vgingi. Ouy elov i. Kloo five in e'tls trteheog arhoten arye!s kabc.
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Ee,nlyscir.
Eht ouy mrfo feruut.
/]254/0[62.

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