A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Rowng it scine sowhs ueacseb htkin i hwo aasrmgsnbi)e e'vi itb cmhu. .
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Taht ym i a rhtdaiyb iudclftfi tbi swa dtmai. Bda htsnom tafre, ttah wtosadr utb epryl mi' ignnkith rigintw ufrute pislngari wot ekew ryptte hits het swa i. I umhc edngdrai ho,rssnapieilt artgnuaido ltef tsdaetr eryntancitu dldnseyu i os yutmnomci nda dna unisogdnurr. Llfdei uhsc aws ietedsp ot gmionsrhtcso, be love my ma rfnsied voles ryhdtbia a ithw culata utb lfmyai and me dan onddersruu oyi--j by bsedsle ehrit tt,ah good. Aehv ti ever annlaa, nhitg swa & asw pu lulyatac a mmoaehed i eens i eth by maem, nde nad ietstptre nnaa ce;ka it gnhiva sbywrtrrae did. Msmiud ndrine ehuos adh udsicoeil ta a i. Pmcfrtiee no mlseyf i lreett kcba adn txdsiee to rof who btu uryo tat'hs nosrevi hwo ew si inmrtopat fo em aecrg eyerv it heva dan eerw ofr dletfcree rdea. .
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'im keli ethn tbu elef to that dcanegh ekli i sht,neo efle i tlils i so tllsi ni eb od 1,7 mi' chmu eiv' nwko isenc todn' my !ieentstw. Emos evi' in wmhyis atth os lnbgssie ym l'il ot htat a ilef kepe of ti "hde"iklicl blae bene ctoun. I fo and hgnits geieire,ngnn i'm ddi ti oyu gceleol sey, aemk ywh( oteurcpm ddi lla tubod oint htta,)?? miranojg ni. Htwa sti' pu sioli)nil reeecepxin vnree pcedtxee aols ym of teh tahn but oesdcinrfl edfetnifr hte ew bnee si it grateets fo elif ned yebma in di' uottghh (i os. Sad rongw ei'v who dah ma ardh btu adsy ns,tihg i so nad sa hucm larely roenps 'iev a edcdsivroe dna. Dna i in a won sipegpnt ayre hninisgfi adn i'm mmyouitcn esdhplaeir ahtt dehrc-a-lwehi ym iamgzna lamsl as is yslefm roiujn pougr enev wdno pu an ormf ivynreatitrs ewirttsbete fudon pu dende. 'vie -elnfgilo ifrnesd dofun. Eevn up het baout i veha seumrm leriant-lsgh eindl orf nrshieintp teh !;) na. . . Ehh. My i is if erbtte educehls yan knwo 'ntod lseep. Dba abotu ti, wsa atht peytrt wasayl thnki wno i it. Weka yidtilfeen emor si't leray pu fo mcuh a stegrulg to.
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Og kalt /eevereywk yevre eretlt edar utoba tath rhteo ,sngtika i naiga newh weke i sutj adh tginaks t'si whti oyu fuynn to easbeuc atrtdes hhngta udohls this. Ri-tt-ihg grenfie oy'eru is. Ileevbe sola franhesm i ogod atuylcla nto! or leolribngldra ,erya up ntgtoe it ve'i ym ekpcdi uiqte. I mressum an uatbo tow os gitrua be )thta trlceeci and cxidtee ugotbh u'o(dy goa. Ubt my ta humc atth gpylaisn' turgai my ruiagt t,bteer si prytet letsa otn.
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Osurec of sitll giwrdan 'mi. I tsi' geuss orf ubt darw tar itnvcnneoo of ti i teh ot adn shit eht ,rhfttiag osld ot gmianza oesidtu juyarna saw letbda i past ym sirtf my eipecxnree trfis ta ifdn ietm rredah smot m!tei. Deam neve and tup dlso i tmesi uto nte cakb ahwt ni i. By yawa i and saw aws nevereyo loco blnwo uepirvpots woh. Udwlo not ti ylbutseola ee,ricxenep swa g-neiae-van a of 0101/ fi od krow. A out like my on rteu yeslmf onw mceo dan dipalys trehe ntutpgi asw korw gsiene redam. .
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Iomcgn kwno aehv i li'l ot edtrxveeotr poun lecoelg iderovdresec idse ym oyu. V'ie plpeoe ireilbcnde myna so met. Rhotes knwo ilewh sdfienr cmoe i and omes ym rea ,onge aveh orf ilfe. Adn etak ams anlaan. Reenv adn rigl utohhgt resett slescto het fo iton a a maeg cmbeoe i i etmubsdl hnigt a ohw ym on arn orandm gyu uwodl two tniancosfd noit. ;tiasyrevrtni i ahs words bedoyn oundf uynnfitodaalol lispiuyltra shpdea me conyiummt nda thsi meho in. Nmay 'ive lcsdpesiiiph os aenreld tgrouhh hard uttrhs. Adh ie'v out netrgrso the sdie snteinvoasrco omec dan hoert arhd. Adn eb to hatw lte it nad nowd w"nko to wnkno manse seiovrdc ym fllayni llwsa i've elredna. Etlpeoymcl ot nh'sat ,ralreei aldlude aawy i hte ngeo " eicutnriys sa. Eecepvir in teh drazleei awth oviec ttah utb woh ton or iev' my dntiyeit asys htroes my ,ishrtc dhea isle ni ni me. Owkn lov,ed i tegrluaf os, i orf i ma so ma ahtt nda.
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I ecnsi even egclloe at( rfai ar,ye spu and ebne no fre),a tocrmnia eogn ahrse noe ie'v dkesa of tuo tasle huhgrto and ym osla srudhec dwons ntdiicen adn rpe. Thta ta im,ets rleaves. Ghhi dcex,peet soloch reev yuo otn me mtesigonh vloeu'wd t'is. Okwr lceelgo ahd yicctasr egatr henw ttah atsrwdo poun nd'tid ot atht sipeaoitrhsln? we brmreeem dmintse otu gimnoc hye,a. Ew ddeen n,log cgrniars us a mnerafhs nlog uoua,nrnlfetyt pu ohgiemtsn yrea ntoi ahtt imte eldeap orf. Sttra nda tuiln di'dnt fro i i seestrme and so a isth no deaahsm tlo eht asw rhtu usfalt nncukipga nde ng,lo fo ym. I flaeln tub iev' ctwie cesni htat hktni. For cgnnfseios nde to of evbmoenr bhot ew os mlsal wya y(m tath ,e-rlaoced saw idd i ltsa up ejcedt,re gleaurlfyc tub oupgr eon im' dnahedl suoattini elpeop eht otseh nda erftugal ulaclt)ya. A ti wree' utboa roesth agthtu on,w adn dna olt lorsce eyivulanrilbt ieefngsl enve surttgni hiwt my me. .
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Tbu to a am ryelruntc rhitg ni a tslli of neliessgsn igtnkal eonass own i nda yug i'm for t,i geatrflu. Lodwu i eikl sya i imh. Fi 'ltli dna eusr go ntutbh-e- locdu nevpor eb ash nteemig on nbee ont prgysusrnlii ctfa i w'ree -iareneny-wh ti ard,tuyhs ngrow ifniggie-lv. Ot sgd'o tebetr yswa bnee woh sih e'iv imen inanrgel than ot utnsigrt anp,l dna ttha erdersrnu aer. Gyu for esgdsrarel htwa aegtlfur etcrrnu hp,aenps fo mi' itsh. Awth htta pussope l'wle tmhon phanpes in ro hwti a os i ees.
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Ymifal htiw. . . Dcalpemciot 'ist. Oyu fi zliraee it dntdi' ti eeb,n sah eenv yalwsa nteh abkc. Ryaeutulfotnn etitll nocigm ustrh logecle eaphsd efrdco enev how em to ot rshteo pcaukn ahtt to elreta vhae of i a daoty lto. Tihw a fo rgsusglte ibilrnevulaty het ssieu,s olt hatttcmena. . . . Reew woh we iersad romf do tsme eyth. Adn ot nebe yifmal uro ot 'its iiudfcltf nserekbons eht eomc iwth in remts. Taherr shtt'a one been eth tssgreglu ggebits ubt i mheo be isht ryewehna rruecnt htat isgalns-erinzae-o of olwud of. Het lswlyo te,hn thr,u iagnhel oclrnto orf nad is odg efa,r veen ridsee. Ayok 'eiv teh ot lsiev eahv 'tissres ripg dezrleia tel sit' og fo ym to revo i tnwa. Het aehv narept trdhi i to eb 'tdon. Aer ni rheti erapnodtoh alcylaut adn hitaf srnpeta onrgigw ym. Osucer in eth ihrte ot me ayrse ym luyrt fatc hgthuo eonhgu htat of i'm xett te/seaeaggtnny ssrstie me rstut n,queefrytl twih lilst and 'rehtye dsbeels wno neve. Yuo ehwn tish be ,w(wo eth sono lliw wreot ega asiaebll were eltrte yuo. Ryacz att'sh. ).
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Agkinlt nuf il i tslli fc,at am to. Sgseu rneev ttah i baiht i idkeck. R'etyhe nekgpie em hccke sllit ni.
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Ntgresro aphyp to ahtt rptroe evre my is athn 'im ahtfi. Thafi had it emtna ekam scievord ot ym wno tawh my i ot laeylr. Detsaurnnd hwo ti'dnd if bkac itwh imh inerlshotpia odg awth hcmu mtane a i iezealrd i even hnt,e dene i. Siylmp h'steer mniocgotrf htta gnrstie i cseeernp nda in gnitohn reeanld hsi htan ing-levgfii emor. Yerev ackb irnmnog elki lbibe lcissdnpeii seom tiirualps ,pu eht nedriag i've ttderas. Rdae at es'h hiwle iths lcreyidbin for and i'm i lla sihagnp to ogdo neeb onugnirgd wlohe leif dedidec blieb aumles ym irlaeze to sti' the wno! eth hthgour hwo bnee iglnohyoalcrco,l n2d. Eth euaecsb wtha koosl mesntmo sles ti i vadyreey nowk him rrbhao i ianxtey ni utstr teh ufture for to lkei. You kbac evne fo ofr dol-r5aye-1 epsts uoy otok hifta a sa eth ,tehn asmll etillt kthan. Raf moec doy'u eiv' of ohw i hnikt eb udorp.
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Say kacb so ,etnh eandtw stuj rupod adn yuo to etlf i uoy 'mi lerwvhdeome i nkwo of hatt. It wsa wnhe petk uyo gngoi hadr oyu ;otu ueghgdt it. Nda i'm ot seur dwrol rsacy gbi the demees us. Ti istll os,ed emtiosmse. Meac okol ttah nad back defill si ta tbu hewer hwit os eetrh i form i tvnooicnci ot ltsil far og mi'. Aptrnre tge cdilneerbi is g'ods ,good na ot dna lnap raetnuedv i in. ,me zmdaae eb woh won ofr at efil ou'yd me ookls ietltl retefdfni. Ubt perhipa s,o so im' muhc. .
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Niotp inegtgt hist ot khtnsa orf em. Thksan for ivgnig up nto. Voel i ouy. Ckba threoan l'tse oeeghtrt fevi loko e!sary ni.
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Elcnyeri,s.
Ouy frmo tufure eth.
]/220/5[46.

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