A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Knthi ibt escni rognw mchu swohs i )sgirnbeasam 'iev ti woh ueabsce. .
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A i dbhaytri was dfifitlcu timad ym atth tib. Siht eht bda utb i ferta, ntomhs ardtows eekw two 'mi was lryep ttyrpe kingnith ufrteu igrintw rgnilaips ttah. Dstaret nad so i and eyldsudn fetl srrngounidu i gdrdiaen nruiytentac astsrlhip,ieno nuitycmom hcmu ouniadrtga. Nfredsi ma r,ghcmsonsoit by yhrabdti esldseb a my tub me nda ursoddnrue hsuc luaatc levo ayifml eb nad fledil oslve was pstedie to gdoo ht,at j--iyo hwti ireth. Hvae het rspeeittt swa it nanaal, tylaluac aws & ti esen memeohad anna eam,m end yawsrrtber i eca;k a i up nighva hgtin rvee did yb dna. Umdims dnnier uoesh i a eioislcdu ta dha. Is etltre rcgae vnsioer woh kbca yruo vhea me rfo eervy we nritotmpa dxeites of erfpctiem i orf tht'sa cefleerdt btu to on woh erew eard it dan elfsmy adn. .
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Tlsli do ilke iev' 7,1 os m'i tw!intese i eikl ltlsi eb lfee my in ot i 'mi btu tehn mcuh gdanehc nokw ahtt dot'n flee i csein nst,eoh. Esgnlibs labe eekp of ot mose ielf ttha nuoct vi'e ttah a clli"d"hkei wisymh ni os it ebne ym 'lli. Lla ,sye aekm ddi ouy ntighs (yhw ti mcoetpru tobud en,geeinring tino did in a)t,th?? fo i nda 'im cgleleo oajrming. Fo vrene nierfetfd bene is)inolli fo oflnierdcs ughttho setgreta eth het up but hatn mabey ti we ym os i( si nde in d'i is't aosl hatw life eeetpxdc nereecpiex. Ma a tginh,s i'ev so rwogn darh orensp i and sad dah hwo ciddresveo aysd umch as ive' elyarl and btu. As neve pu dened adn lmsal semyfl ir-eeahc-dwhl is iazmagn liardepehs a ym up isngiinhf in biesettetrw i ryea nda retviasyrnti npispgte m'i nfodu roniuj thta na progu omfr omcuitmyn wdon wno. 'iev redfsin fondu lolgfein-. Uboat i lne-ghlrstai nreinpitsh fro pu ;!) mursme veah eth an neve eth nield. . . Hhe. Si tteber wonk i seechdul fi nya ym plsee n'tod. Tnikh nwo ttha ti, atoub i ti ytrpet swa asywla dba. Lutgesrg ist' umhc fo aeryl efdnetliiy ewka more ot up a.
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Gntskia, i weke it's gsitank ot i sujt henw htsi htiw nyfnu cubesea hdlsuo eretlt tteasrd gaina go ouy tath rdea klat oerht nhhgta ykree/evwe every hda utboa. Frgeeni 'yueor rht--tigi is. Up i roagrllilnbed good ro my hfenmsra kpiedc nto! it eqtui evi' auytcall oasl gtoent leeivbe ay,re. Ogbthu ixedect ubaot aog na agruti i liceectr o'y(du smerusm tath) so eb otw dan. Utb at muhc urigta rpyett iatgur rtte,eb lg'ipayns my eatls si tno taht my.
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Lslit nrgwadi m'i of eucsor. Sldo ym sfrti rta ugsse vnnencitoo of dbatle ihst eht ot ot frtis adrw and i'ts tmos satp !itme earhrd firtt,hga ta zmgania teh irecexpene i my for naryauj soiuetd tiem swa it i ndif i tbu. Eevn ni tawh amed dna ldso estim ent i utp i tuo bakc. Nblwo i esripptvuo yb and saw owh nrveeoye away wsa ocol. Fi fo od ldowu swa eei,eernpcx satblleuoy ineean-g-va a ti 1001/ ont owrk. A otu nda won was dyilpas kile sleymf tiupngt on theer remad emoc rwko etru enisge ym. .
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Vrtoexreedt ecelogl ll'i ym uoy cimogn dsie avhe eedirdvesrco pnou ot nowk i. Many vie' os elicredibn met oeplpe. Rfo ilwhe meos moce nad ym threso i e,gon ifle densrif rea eahv konw. Asm nad ktea ananla. Gril lodwu bsmtueld fo enrve ntihg tguhhot no a ntfsniocda eht iotn how a i nra srteet uyg toin dan owt mbeeco danrom i sosclte gmae a ym. Rulilspiaty ehsapd yebond i tniulayolnafdo and ohme isth me ucytimonm swdro nfudo ash trayesi;trinv in. Edlearn hrad amyn hhugotr trhtus eiv' dcsshiiplpei os. Ohrte rrgeotsn rhda cemo dan ahd estovriasocnn sied teh ei'v uto. Etl nwdo enmas knwon ot cersviod ti ve'i lenaerd eb ym swlla nyllifa ot wkon" atwh nad and. Nyuciesirt hte aayw tashn' ir,ealre sa i to " geno ueladld yeptelmcol. Pecevrei tub how aedh ym me says isle htta iv'e ym awth threso ni hte ro ctsihr, ni zeelidar not tyiedint in eivco. Guearltf i i am rfo i ,vloed os so, wnok am dan taht.
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On noe tlase ta( odwsn olecgle adn arye, r),aef aeshr epr veen thguhro akdse durcehs ym tou ve'i i eogn oasl nrotmcai and ncinetdi and fo spu ebne insec fria. Eervals at ttah i,mset. Ghhi me lsohoc ist' ouy eevr tcdeep,xe tno imhogtnes vwo'udle. Mncoig ot oeclelg pnuo ctcsryia uot nhwe grtea d'ntdi hea,y dsenmti rwko mrremebe ew rtodaws itaihenols?rsp htat dha ahtt. Erya temi ,ftyuetaonrlun atth noti nsrrciga dnede o,nlg omeghnsti asnrehfm lpeaed a pu fro su nogl we. Rmetssee dtd'in isth nda on rfo ngl,o cpinkugna i a so strat the nda olt iultn of turh asftlu ned my aws i aamdehs. Ctwei iv'e tnkhi i utb efllan atth sceni. Rof ew y(m one to sthoe fo i tub lac)utyal eolppe etufragl htat stla itsatoiun sfgeosincn gafylrecul did btoh ehdndla salml uorgp swa ovbmnree teh pu nde and ayw -relcoae,d so 'mi cedrejte,. We'er lbtnivelairyu shtero it seelngfi neev ghtuat outba and nda ow,n sclero a em rtgntsiu ym hiwt olt. .
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Uctyerrnl ot and stlli yug tub i a a ,it mi' itgrh of rfo won lngesesisn essona ni ma ruegtlaf klaignt. I mih yas udolw like i. Ludco gnwor ti 'llit ftac ruse eben on prneov geteimn og ont h-ntub-te nie-rnhe-ayw u,syrathd rwee' if nigrusyprisl has i eb nad vef-ilgngii. Are sway to pl,na niem bertet rgalenni hwo s'gdo vi'e nad eneb hatt htan rsutgtni nerdrerus to his. Lsearrdges of guy htaw for rretnuc apsn,peh 'mi this gtraulef. I eussppo see snepahp hwti twah os in htat or lw'el nohmt a.
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Ihwt ifyalm. . . T'si dicoleapctm. En,be you fi it ti sha swyala enve d'itnd zeriela neth bcka. To to erlate a cinmog ttha ohw roshte ittlle oclegle yaodt aucknp ahdesp lteufrnnaoytu even hustr i of tlo em ot rfeodc vhea. Gergstlus teh iyuietllvnabr tnatctmaeh ueisss, a htwi olt of. . . . Who asierd teyh omrf we mtse do ewer. Ot in been twhi uor i'st oemc ifcliutfd teh kbsnreesno dna yfmlai mestr ot. G-nsilzeeno-iaars tub nebe thta oen be udlow wheenayr fo i 'athst het eomh bgeigst arehrt nucterr uegsglrst fo isth. Si r,htu te,hn er,fa nlcroto edsier rfo llsowy nihegla eenv teh dog nad. Go of tle prig eorv wnat ev'i kayo ss'riste i'ts ot i ym ot liesv ahev the edearizl. Ranpet the notd' ot trdhi eb i ehva. Ni nad aneoodrpth rae wggroin tirhe rasptne tulylcaa ym ifhta. Teerh'y rtyul em ghoune adn me ghtuoh ot fo oeusrc llsti ahtt tafc etxt ssbelde htiw ym m'i hiert ttsru eenv rue,fnyltqe ni rtissse arsey yangteegsten/a own hte. Elabslai snoo when ega trwoe lerett oyu ouy o(ww, eth eb wlil hits weer. Cayzr 'ashtt. ).
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Ot il unf ma gltinka i fcat, lltis. Sesug i ttha i ibtha dekcki ervne. Kechc ryhte'e ltsli gekinep me in.
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M'i ttah setnrogr is rvee ot hpypa rrpote ym hnta hfiat. Wno to my aerlly ntema it ekma ahd wath i to my sciredov ftiha. Kabc a ti'ddn i dnee ihm odg hiwt menta utanesddnr neev tehn, rezeliad i pthsraonieil fi hucm who awht i. Ngtnoih ni sih tath sepcreen reom i smipyl aeelrnd dna hnat nogmirtfco sietrng se'rteh iilnvefig-g. Some sratdet bielb ltrpisiau eht bcka yveer sceiidipsln nirmong dainrge eiv' pu, lkie. Lohew i wileh efil woh for the lumsae tis' dlciyibner bnee ddcieed she' lbbie to nda eth now! ym m'i at croalnologlhyc,i n2d gdoo erda to thsi iaelerz onurgdngi eneb asgiphn horhgtu lal. Yeaydevr eth aebuecs trstu rarohb hte mnsetom i mhi i lses elki ytxaein kools owkn waht ni fro it to uuretf. Yuo the eenv nhakt aihft bcka sa of yuo slmla otok e,tnh rfo litetl ea1lrdo5--y a epsst. Inhkt i've meco of 'oudy be owh dorup far i.
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Os adn i jtus yas to im' i fo neh,t kwno htat eftl etndwa uyo doupr kabc oyu ordhevleemw. Tegudgh ouy oyu it nehw rhda ti ktep was nggio t;ou. Us to bgi eusr dan i'm meedes hte dlrow carsy. It ioseemmst tlsli os,de. Utb so m'i and treeh iedllf eacm hiwt kolo i is abck ltsil i ot ehrew og thta raf at oocnintivc frmo. Tpaernr gte in pnla na drleicbein sodg' ot nad dnvtaereu i si do,og. Ofr em nfiftreed 'oyud be nwo adezma eifl e,m olkso at who ltelti. ,os m'i umch but aprpihe os. .
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Ngttige rof anhkts tsih em to topni. Ktanhs up givnig ont for. I uoy vole. Kcab ni tteohger aesy!r henotra kool vief tles'.
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Nrc,yelsei.
Uyo eurtfu rofm the.
2[]4/5/062.

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