A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Nas)eigsmbar tib i e'iv hossw hnkit rgonw mchu how scebeau ti nscie. .
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Ahtt iatdm i a itb itfdlifcu tihabdyr my asw. Pertty giihnntk thsi rfuuet abd 'im inritwg rf,eat plyer htta otw utb kewe the nriasilpg i ordwats omhsnt was. Srhane,iipslto iatnrgouad so i nda ignaerdd i tasdert utmycnmio dyseudnl udingrsnuro nad left humc uctnytreain. Saw ma to etipdes tat,h shcu sriefnd evol hwti dssleeb rieht yb selvo but aacutl gdoo dna iyalfm ym eb a ielfdl em uruodredns dna srcos,hmongit hibtyrda oijy--. Vahe asw ea,mm by eerv a nana,la sayrwertrb nnaa i tprteseti nhtgi ddi hte i & ytlcuaal it mmdaeeoh up esne aws dne ngvahi c;ake it adn. Oushe eindrn a cilduseio smmiud had i at. Ervey dare itpcmfeer who em and reeltt ew fo aevh tiseexd ruyo dna ti i evinsor bakc si on rnmtpoati to egcar mefsyl eercdelft 'ttsah orf weer tub ofr ohw. .
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1,7 eefl eincs i hent t,osnhe klie i os m'i i od eb cuhm eiwtnset! itsll ym ot v'ie im' odn't ubt feel nokw ielk egcdahn ttha ni llits. Ni a os fo ot keep abel lli' 'evi ebne ncuto thta emso it my tath "ich"ikldle lfie nebisgsl ihmswy. ?,hat)t? ni it all mkea did nad oint ddi im' e,ys h(yw hgsint utbdo egigeinernn, nagmijor ellecgo of cmuoetpr i ouy. Fo been mbeay so renev my up si loi)islni awht rfncsolide fo greeatst ptdecexe (i dtrieeffn it teh edn gtthhou in nhta ew tbu eilf id' si't the crieeenexp osla. As nda hmcu i ornwg hdar ma ayellr adn asd a 'vie adh hwo drsocevdei nrosep yads 'eiv btu nhgt,is os. Nazagmi up ym a pu onw i omrf na and dna nowd h-dhi-lerawce daeehsrpil is veen rteweebsitt uytmcmnoi as rjunoi pspgenti im' in nufdo rpogu yaer thta vnretiryatsi flemys hfiginsin mlasl dneed. E'iv ofnud sfenird onl-eilgf. Surmem neev na ilensrg-ahtl !); inpsnhiter eth rfo dlnie uobta i eth up heav. . . Ehh. Kwon is eelsp fi lsduehce i any tbtere my d'not. Iknth abd asywla asw it uabto it, nwo htta ttypre i. Diefyitlne ot lyera pu a eglutsgr mhcu rmeo tis' fo kwae.
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Tdtaers tsju bauot dare you ghathn with i gstiank rohte terlte aaing ervye hsti uebsace veeyerwk/e keew ldsouh og ktgnias, had to tkal htta ehwn i t'is nunyf. Is 'ureoy ifgener rhi-tti-g. Yllaactu loas my eiuqt hesmrfan or tegont ipdcek dogo eeviebl i'ev i ilrandlbloreg o!nt pu ae,ry it. Giraut y'uo(d gao na wot so btuoa eb hugobt ecdixet t)tha itccrele resmums i dan. Tno at ttah etert,b my ttrpey si 'gynpasli alets but rgtuai muhc my tigaru.
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M'i cureos of awirdng illst. Ot m!tei eht i ti ym agnimza to cvnneonito ym rauaynj itfsr geuss sthi sritf tiafg,thr s'it ward sapt dan teh difn at i rdhrea mtie iedstou i omts tdaelb saw ecrpixenee btu fo dslo art for. Simte tuo adn tne edma i i tup vene bkca htwa slod ni. Ayaw owh dan i owbln eneryoev asw orvipestup wsa by cloo. Uldow it ont v-nagea-ien od a of xcnereieep, alueoyslbt 100/1 kwro aws if. A ym saw oemc no sigene mylefs wkor klei wno mrdea tou pidlays there ertu igttunp and. .
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Npou lli' vhae ym i yuo oxteetvrerd ercevddiores eisd ot icgonm olegecl ownk. Lpeepo etm vie' yamn so eibliednrc. Ecmo ofr emso eoshtr ,ngeo aer ym i nwok evah enifrsd lwihe feli nad. Nnaala take mas nad. A houhtgt who codaitnfns fo gyu bceemo eesttr my otw hte itno i hgitn a osctels stemldbu nevre a on game otin mrndao ldowu rgil ran i and. Oufdn i ayret;vnsriit lspitralyiu wsdor ataoynidolnufl ni has nda hsti dybone me hemo sapdeh mnyitcumo. Rttsuh htguhor so rahd ie'v mnya aerenld dipehilsispc. Cemo toerh eth osgtrrne adh uot nad dhra ides e'vi rssncoienavot. Eb rdlaene owkn" ym lte noknw ylflnai wodn ev'i ot nda to it wasll thwa eivcdsro and masne. Ncyuresiit ot asnht' rae,elir engo uedaldl lmtclpeoey i sa " the waya. Eisl shoert zearedli ro sysa covie atth ni em in eht ohw ym eiiydtnt 'iev but aehd twah icvpeere tsir,hc ont in ym. Ma i so i lv,ode atth nad i for so, wonk ma rluftaeg.
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Nesci alest eiv' oen r)fa,e nad per oegn otu hhgotru ta( sreah adn lsao of tiedncni on loeegcl eebn adn hescdru downs adesk my ary,e sup vene i moirtcna irfa. Eversal atth ,tsmei at. Tnigseomh veer 'lveduow ihhg me cosolh ont yuo xdetc,pee 'sit. Ot tsiyccar eellocg ttha cmigon hewn htat otu orwk ehay, plst?renihsiao daorwst egtar we memberre di'tnd uopn had inesmtd. Noti dndee us yaer htta eamrhsnf megthison rof tmei aircngrs n,glo leadpe pu we goln unfenu,ltryota a. Reemesst otl so edn dhasaem my eth and i on gl,on futlas idntd' swa nuitl hurt tsih dna a of ipncnkuga attrs rof i. Itkhn btu ttah lelafn ve'i ewitc i sceni. Ew both htta gleturfa gourp euryfclgla swa leopep so hlndeda for (ym to of pu oree,l-adc the and tlsa heots rbenvoem amsll ct,erjdee did i noe fsnngoices wya im' den )lalcutya tbu anitoutsi. Ghautt atuob my ti o,wn neve aibiulletyrvn whti 'eewr me adn oresht lot a dan gsiflnee olrsec ttirsgun. .
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Enlgssesni of i'm in a snoesa tghri ti, nda wno for iltls tub ueryltrcn tnglaki a am ygu urlgetaf i to. Lwoud mih i ikle say i. Uldco rognw tafc 'erwe eben no rtdyus,ah l'ilt vpnroe -bhetutn- ton i it gvie-ifnigl eb og ahs rues mtnegei ilypsirsngur fi nad rneiywe-nh-a. Guttnisr ear ranglien nime 'vei nad to nrurdeser beetrt hwo ,lnpa htan swya hsi o'sgd been to tath. Nrructe fro shep,pna gtlarefu thaw shti 'im fo asdgelserr ygu. Elwl' euopsps in ees i otnhm thta os aepshpn tahw ro htwi a.
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Ithw ayfilm. . . Loimtpcdace ti's. Ielzrae fi ti enev eeb,n ckab uoy ayalws sha ddin't hnte ti. Ealrte goncmi em ltilte ot ot ohw rhuts rfcdoe gceleol ahve kapcun nunralyoefttu rohtes thta fo i to a tol evne sapehd aotyd. Tol fo henmcattat seiu,ss eth a lgtusresg whti itnuaelviylrb. . . . Do thye ew etms woh irades from rwee. Idlfficut uro ot keresbsonn ihtw ni to adn eebn ialfym 'sit hte tmers ocme. Neaerwyh that rarthe of eth euncrrt noe eb glaesioinnza-e-sr tbu isetgbg rslgsugte ehom fo ihts i doluw s'ttah eenb. Is neve ghalien eth ortonlc yswlol t,urh dna eafr, eerdsi dog for neth,. Go vore velsi 'eiv i gpir iazeledr wtan ot ehav oayk ot fo tel ym 'its tss'ersi eth. Teh tirhd rtnpea ot i be 'dont evah. Igwogrn tifha my tsrpnae lactayul aodeopnthr trihe era nad ni. Fneqtyr,ule esntgyetagean/ atht rseisst ym onw rheit elssbde me osrcue srutt em of uhhotg ot lsitl lyurt sayer xtet dna ee'ythr guheon het evne im' twih fatc in. Beasiall weer ouy thsi w,ow( lrette will sono eb yuo the wtroe hnwe gea. Yrazc sth'ta. ).
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Llits kinlagt ot a,tfc ma ufn li i. Kikecd i i gsseu nreev htat athbi. Egnkipe kchec rheyet' me tllsi ni.
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Yhpap vree etrpor ot nath srtogenr fiath hatt my i'm is. Ym ti anmet i realyl ot adh awht kmae wno dcroeisv hatfi to ym. I nsndraetud nitdd' eevn rzeielda i etnma a cmuh thwa cakb hwti how hmi paotriienslh fi i god ,hnet dene. Nohignt tath he'trse htan niofogmtrc in nrsgeit ylimsp hsi enaledr i nad -gfnligevii eenpserc emro. Pu, lceinsipsid e'vi rsdatet the ialspiurt dingare every bebli ongmrni smeo keil ckba. Lla ot !now dogo welih fiel st'i eenb erda reidyilcnb ryglclolnhaoci,o to eiezral teh slmeua i ginhsap oehwl belbi my mi' eedddic hist huhgtro 2dn ohw ta eh's ngudonrgi hte enbe dan orf. Ti seebcua sesl i ekli yvaydeer ahobrr rueuft the menotms ot wtha het i kwno uttsr aetiynx mih for oolks in. As hte 5raye1lo--d ahtkn lsaml orf a of enve afthi ookt ouy oyu etllit eh,tn sptse ackb. I e'vi eb fo urdop hwo yd'ou tinkh cmeo far.
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Ouy ujst i oyu so evloedwherm ropdu i 'mi nad bkca fo eadnwt nwko hnet, fetl atht asy ot. Hwen saw u;ot nigog it uyo ghegdut ti tepk yuo rhad. Us ruse igb acrsy ot het nad dseeme 'mi wdrlo. Ltsli smoestemi osd,e ti. Atht ckba i go i tsill os elfild rfa ubt ta loko amce adn nococinitv ot m'i where eetrh mofr is ihwt. Odg,o an reuvteand ertrnap ibnrcleide ot egt plan nda i dsg'o is in. Em osklo fiel at ilettl dezaam wno d'you woh m,e ofr eftdfiren be. Tub os iapehpr mi' so, cmuh. .
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Ioptn hsit netiggt em ofr ot khants. Ofr otn tasnkh vginig pu. You i veol. Vief kcab ni olok !rayes 'ltes erottegh narohte.
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E,lyincrse.
Mrfo the oyu fruuet.
4]5/26[02/.

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