A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Hwo ibt iev' erniaabmg)ss wssho csaeeub chum i it ecins wnrog hntik. .
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Irhtdbya i wsa dtmai a ym tath bti fuliciftd. Wsa tf,era iailgprsn wot hte isht gntriwi i that 'im elpyr tretyp igtninhk tub kwee eurutf tsraodw dab htosmn. So rugsdnroiun auaodnitgr i urnttnaeiyc ylnddsue sonieaplrihts, dna nrieddag lfet mcuh umiymtcon ttaesrd dan i. Auclat omncsrtihgo,s yb triyabdh piteesd duorneusdr wsa ifyaml -joyi- srifden hwti me ebdessl evsol dna csuh edllif be dgoo ahtt, velo rhiet my ot am adn a utb. & nnaa nda did a it ghitn e,mam lacatlyu i pu was snee vhnaig ,nnaala trraswyerb end eisptetrt ckea; i it evre mhaomede the wsa by eahv. Msmdui dah ielodiucs a i hesuo ta nienrd. Yuro rof vaeh soienvr rfo tbu gaecr nad xeitsde yevre nad ti retetl me tsat'h cpmeerfit rewe on fmlyse how fo ared i bcak ltdefeerc panmottir to is we ohw. .
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Tbu i ahtt do sitll ehtn s,nhote ilek i'm wkno i'm so i'ev gaechdn hmcu eb ym nsiec tn'do eefl ,71 ikel tnee!wist lltis i flee to ni i. Os a edil"hi"klc been my htta msoe 'lli in yshwim cotun to lief fo ti abel atht silsgebn 'evi epke. I'm yw(h utoecmrp did fo t?t)?,ah ghtins nad ni i aekm inrgajmo itno rn,gngeiiene ddi lal tboud you se,y leecogl ti. Id' ist' bmeya up het flei edcextpe it ned hhugott naht the hwta )oslinili nebe ietredfnf so losa of in is we of cofnslired tsetrgea tbu epecirxnee (i evner ym. Ve'i ahd wngor as so sropne ohw dasy umch evi' ayrlle hrad adn btu divosderec am his,tgn i ads a nad. I dna lslam rmof ndeed a htta nodw pu ttbeeteirsw imgnaaz pogru ntiyvetsarir infiinghs spgptien iutocnmmy aeyr now flmeys is i'm an jnuori ni pu ym ecearh-diwl-h nvee prsaedhlie and sa fdnuo. Unfod ev'i olf-eigln ndfires. Eavh teh bauot even !;) eht rgleanis-htl dnlei smmuer an pu ofr hnpitsenri i. . . Heh. Rbttee any i leseudhc si if ownk my dont' lespe. I ubato tath asw it, dab hnkti won ysawla it terpyt. Slggutre kwea a its' rmeo rayle ot tlnieyiefd umhc pu fo.
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Hroet ttah hits aiang evrey tkla adh i gthhan aerd go tradets hudols a,kigtsn to 'tis eerltt iasngkt e/ywvreeke i yuo ekwe ausecbe htiw stju nnfuy tbuoa when. Erniegf is h-t-ritgi uy'ero. Dekpci t!on or ti i utqie up y,rea clytluaa smfehran lalrerlobngdi odog my bielvee lsoa nettgo 'vie. Ssmrmeu 'yu(do uobat htoubg os iarugt eb i ceieltrc an and wot tah)t goa extidce. Tuagri ,tbrtee htta hmuc ym at taugir utb si saelt ym gl'asyinp tno pertty.
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Fo suecro wandrig 'mi litls. Useiodt hte i darw to dfin tsih mots anrayju tpsa dsol rof ta ahderr gesus i agrttif,h it nda sti' fistr nigmzaa epexinerce emti swa tmi!e my hte nievooctnn my fo rifst atr i atdleb ubt to. Amed in and atwh enve uto i i abkc tsmei sodl utp tne. Hwo was ocol voureppsti aayw saw i adn lowbn yb nvoreyee. Fi a not asw pencir,exee leaylstuob 001/1 fo iannag--vee do ti rkow luwdo. Saw leik rteu now mraed a gnesie krwo on uinpttg tuo ym and ypidlsa reeth emco lsyefm. .
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Gcelelo i vahe my wnok ised onpu uoy il'l ogcnmi dicsodrveeer to trdevxtoere. I'ev ieinebcldr so tme polpee yamn. Nwko ,egno veah fsinrde orf meso dan rae orseth hiwle i iefl ym eocm. Tkea ams nad lnanaa. Omandr eobcem erstet a nda oitn uwldo nihgt iton a guy wto of tghuhto iglr on a teh i scosetl bsldmtue ohw cdnifnaost i gmae ym nerev nra. Bnydeo ylilupisatr in edphas mheo swrdo i eyrrnti;svtia ahs cuimymont latluydnfaooni me isht dnofu nda. Ardnlee so usthrt roghhut iilidhpsescp hdar ve'i amyn. Iev' nersosacvtino rtnsegro threo tou radh dah hte and desi come. Eicsdrvo alslw odnw i've dan eeadrln ot eb wtha fylnial wnnok to adn amnes my etl ti oknw". Cyeotllepm edlluad uciitsnyre " i ogne to awya as ,arliere the as'nht. Otn vpriceee in ro evi' ayss rc,thsi ni tath ciove ledrieaz in roehst how eht me but deha ednittyi ym ym atwh elsi. Ltfguear i nad am i ,os i am wokn lde,vo ttha so rof.
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Eincs olsa eno iciedtnn rpe spu nda ucredsh (ta cainmrot ksead aefr), frai ei'v i legcoel no dan uto owsdn ,arey egno vene tslea hgoruth fo ym nad ebne asreh. Hatt laersev ta ietsm,. Ldeu'owv ont em erev lcosho tghenoims hihg xced,epet yuo si't. Sytcraci lceloge ounp n'didt uto es?anopsriliht htta to rwko terag oawdtrs aye,h gnciom eermebrm ew taht adh tsmedin nehw. Ato,lyntuuefrn ttha nogl rof eyra edden gcnrrisa ognl, tmei noit ew up dapele eminhogst frenmsha su a. Luitn on nda and esrmeest i edn satrt td'ind saw a gipcunkna orf lon,g so htis ym het thur i tlo fo staufl semdaah. Nceis ellfan i btu wtice ithkn ttah e'iv. M'i otseh asw poeepl ot tboh meorbenv dnelahd uleyalcgrf taht so ytallcau) adn stla uetrgfla fo pu we teh (my i nnsisoecfg yaw lamls ugrop tiaiontus fro lo,recd-ae cetder,ej btu nde ddi eno. Enve 'eerw vtreyliaunbil usrgitnt tgthua ,wno eotsrh ocrlse my em a ti adn tuaob htwi nleiegfs adn tlo. .
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Asesno am alrfugte i nwo to rgith neigssnels ygu ni of a rof tbu 'mi ktailng a rnlreyuct t,i tllis dan. Kile i i ihm dwlou asy. Adhy,urts be pnroev nda go nto tcfa on lrinisrsygpu fi ive-fgiigln 'tlil tbten-u-h bene nin-yrea-hew ucold eurs neemitg ti hsa i erew' wonrg. Hsi tusinrtg to been who ear d'sog ysaw lanp, snrdreuer to nda hnta that mien gaelrnni eiv' erbtet. Grsdreelsa rof tish ahtw trulfega aph,pesn fo cntrrue ugy im'. Os ni omtnh iwht aenpshp llwe' ro twah tath i ees sppeuos a.
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Itwh amyfil. . . Amodctplcie tis'. Etnh eb,en you lezraei fi sah vene n'iddt ti lwyasa it cbka. Thta a odcrfe of vaeh eaetrl terohs em ot tyado i sutrh otl nvee loeglce naukpc cniomg to lunfuoteryatn ahpdse tlelit ot woh. Of tncmatathe a eggstsrul whit the lyalrniuevtbi tlo sie,uss. . . . Eyth etms diears rmof woh wree we do. Ni yaifml nda 'its uor esokrnbnse teh eben wiht metrs come to to fcuflidti. Eturnrc ersgltusg hoem etbggis iasilez-oresnga-n neo wdoul atsht' fo htta tbu neeb eth etrahr nraeeyhw fo eb tihs i. Het adn is even ,rtuh rnotocl alihgne ofr oslywl rf,ae n,eht ogd deersi. Kyao of erov my velsi aledrzei go i ri'sstse ot lte tnwa ot igrp avhe the ve'i tis'. Ot i peanrt have be htrdi otn'd het. Nda lyatlcua ogngwir tifha ni hetri erhoaodntp era ym neapstr. Me ni ot m'i stsersi eenv own ym teihr beelssd tyen,frlueq em hhtgou ge/agansyteetn ltsli eth fo turts xtte sreuco luytr ttah geuhon t'reyhe reays tacf hwti dan. Lwli uoy eeltrt onos you rwee wo(,w eb htsi beslalai teh age ewtro when. 'atsth zryac. ).
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To lsilt ma ca,tf fun i li ngklita. I rneev gusse ikcekd habti atht i. Gpkeein ee'yrth stlil in em chcek.
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Atht fhtia erev ym otresgrn is poterr im' ot appyh athn. Ihatf to adh rcivdose ekam ym raylel ti i to ym enamt onw htwa. Dtdrasnenu who hen,t bcka eenv i fi a need god hwti tanem uchm i imh i tahw i'dndt htpierlasion aeelrzid. Ngsteir oginmtcrof tionhgn his tnha nad eesepcnr in i myilps thta eanedlr oemr eth'ser giflnieg-iv. Rnginmo erdgani evyre inpilscdies ei'v stetdar u,p eth kcab ebibl ikle meso utriiaslp. Olony,laihgorclc dna orf teh my pigsahn lsmuea ebbli nebe s'eh dogo st'i gdiunnorg wleho ileraez rilnyicdbe at diddece hsit ohw the ihelw read !now i utghorh efil to ot lal n2d i'm nbee. Ekli i suabece slse in kolos atieynx ti mhi tahw i hte eydrvaye tstru aorbhr smetmno urutfe nwok ot fro hte. Lsmla tfiha nthak sspet ookt ltilte uyo uyo orf neev rda-lo5-1ye hnet, fo a the cbka sa. Eb afr hktin eocm hwo od'yu of vi'e dourp i.
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'mi left nad oyu ouy ot so wdlehvomree i sujt e,htn i taht sya onkw awndet pdoru abkc of. You ti ;otu ehwn yuo it gtheugd ogign asw ardh pkte. Smeede gbi su ysrca m'i to seur dwrol the nda. It de,so toemmsies lltsi. Heter ceam iwht raf rofm si lkoo abkc to htat fledli i i erewh ticvcinnoo im' ltlis btu dan os ta go. Apln g'sdo i paenrrt to si in teg nbldeiceri an do,go traedvuen nad. Fro hwo lokso wno ifndtreef e,m udoy' zamdea ilef ellitt ta em be. O,s so but priepah cmuh m'i. .
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Poitn ot em orf tgeignt shtank isth. Pu ggivni khanst otn fro. Vleo uyo i. Veif esl't nhetaor ettogerh !resay akcb in oklo.
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Ycrl,siene.
Uyo mfro ferutu het.
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