A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Scueeba i sswoh ti evi' esicn thkni umhc woh bti wrgon bssnaragem)i. .
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Atmdi a i my that ibt aws ytdbaihr ftcdliiuf. Tbu wto weke i ostdwar htsmon i'm nisgalirp het ttrype hatt hist saw wirtgni t,aref ihkgtnni bda rpley fruetu. Naiedrgd nad tefl i rgnusinurod umictnymo radtest dutraaoign os dna pislaotsn,ierh mcuh inceuratytn ynuseddl i. Hiter ebssedl evlo ym aucatl elovs ot thiw me tbu ma uderondusr swa a eb edpesti shuc frsdnie --iyoj bityrdah fdeill a,tth adn sigo,mtrshnco by odog liyfam nad. Pu setyarrwrb eerv mmodehea ti & ned nda asw i aemm, igavhn naaan,l a hngit ;caek anna tlauaycl esen saw idd vhae it rteesptit i yb teh. Ahd msumid nnidre a i at ehuos uslioiecd. Rof fo ckba ouyr tbu rcmepietf we tmaroitpn slfeym it rteetl gerca haev tsdxeei no dan nda erovnsi were revey si htas't how em who ofr eard to leertdefc i. .
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Lstil nt'od in ikle to lfee wiest!ten do i hatt ev'i ehn,ots be mi' os i but 71, enht lefe nwok 'im i lltis eiscn kiel uchm gnecahd ym. Been hatt os lsgbensi of iv'e my that aleb i'll swmhyi in peek it moes hli"d"ckeil tonuc a ot file. Kmae idd all did odbut ihgtsn oyu ,eys ,ieegrneginn att?h?), 'mi hwy( tueprcmo oint anriojmg nad fo ti ni i colegel. Up icxeeeeprn so huohtgt nbee ni lsao si tub eht effrditen of erevn end t'is ymbea xctepdee thna ti ym we l)olsiiin i( of lforcnsedi di' tseagtre hawt flie the. A htgis,n sayd hda am yelral das adn i 'ive ve'i btu hmcu onrgw cridesdoev sa hwo ronsep rhad dan so. Up llsma mofr ryetvanitrsi aigamzn in rnuoij htta donw an nufdo tppiengs i wreieettsbt is dedne 'mi wno pu iisfhinng ym deawch-i-elhr ogrpu as femyls enve reya otimcmnyu nad and hildeasper a. Ev'i iln-glefo duonf sfniedr. Aveh ;!) i -slnrlahtgei enve phitsirnen rsmume pu tuboa teh eht rof indel na. . . Heh. Is ntd'o i if dlsuceeh kown elpes ayn tbteer ym. Aws awyals ptyret it, htta i it now aotub bad inkht. Pu rlyea a more its' nliteyfdei to tureslgg cmhu keaw fo.
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Stih taghhn eeauscb eeer/ekvwy whne utsj ubaot agk,tsni tsi' hitw igana atht og tsaretd sohldu i veyer ewke hda to tkla i uoy drae ngaktsi eroht elrtte ufnny. Is frieneg ghi-irt-t 'ryoeu. Ym laso ogtten it oogd pkiced !not i or lnlebiolrdrga franehms pu 'vei ,reya ilevebe aaytlluc iquet. I teidxce eb oga uoabt )atth msermus ectircle an ('uoyd nda triaug uhbtgo wto so. Ilay'spng at ahtt iagutr utb rpttye not chmu atesl etbt,re ym aruitg si my.
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'im of llits rginadw ceosru. Teim suesg ym fro swa i to atr stap !teim 'sti urnyjaa eldtab ,agrthift sirtf tbu i arhder amizgna somt ti het the fnid my to cotoennvni fistr htis ecexpniree i fo oeutdis dawr ldso dan at. I ent sietm i neev ptu ni olsd tuo ahwt adn akcb edam. Lcoo lbwno wsa ryoenvee dna aayw i asw how by prevtuosip. Igenn-ea-av e,exirpecen nto ltuybosela olduw 0011/ fi a of okwr wsa ti od. Asw on tnguitp krwo ecmo and won my ilypsda trehe tuo armed ilek a sfmyel esegin uert. .
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Ot ym i rdteeteovxr ponu gloleec avhe icgmon yuo lil' isvceoedrrde sdei wonk. Aynm tem oeplep i'ev so leidbenirc. For nad mose hsorte ilef rsdnfei era i ego,n ihwle ym vaeh nkow oemc. Nalana taek ams adn. Utdesmlb nito aodtncsnfi the a a mage guy fo nda otw a vrene htign lrig dmnora seertt i tnoi how i eltssoc anr on hhogutt oudlw ocbmee my. Traets;riviyn in em iitylsulpra dan emoh obdnye isth sehpad ldoonfliyanuta osrwd mciotyunm i ash unfdo. Hhrotug nreeald os lpishiesidcp trutsh vi'e rdah amny. I've vasoretocinns and dha tosrnger eomc teroh otu drah hte edis. Ot ot nad eb ve'i nwkon ym sllaw nodw dsrceovi awht ti dna elt "wokn ealdenr menas alyflni. Eeai,rlr ot ellduad aayw onge sa eth " yceoeltmpl ucyisietrn t'sahn i. Ont vcipeere iytdntie ni my in erzdilae ahtt evi' me thcri,s ym aehd ni esli ssay ro iceov tbu oherst what hwo het. Rfo i nwok elgafrtu ma nda d,evlo i so ma i os, tath.
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Hares 'ive neev eadsk ym egoelcl odsnw gnoe on spu out laos idcentni of mcniroat tghhuro arfi atlse f)ae,r cenis rpe i (ta dhersuc adn nda ,year noe bene nda. Tise,m htat earslve ta. Reev ti's ouy ihgh timegnsoh eeed,pctx 'wovudle ont closoh me. A,ehy semtind elcoleg meebrrme we ilseaornspi?ht yastrcci to newh d'itnd rowk aetgr npuo htat uto cngoim dah thta rodwats. Eyar us lepaed snomighet ong,l atht toin ofr dnede etmi we sircgnar nlgo ensfhmar up tteonnylfuur,a a. Ofr tol puiakcnng nad iths smeesert saw ym haesmad tlniu os nad fo edn i uhtr uftlsa no i idtnd' oln,g strta teh a. I htat teiwc iscen nleafl ihtnk iv'e ubt. Olpepe nad htat rueagltf fo aws i nvomrebe ym( amlls to jde,creet ddi dehnlad wya othb ouprg crugeayllf olac,er-ed oen tu)lalcay up tnaustoii eht icsegfnson ew ofr utb tseoh nde tlas os 'im. Soreth wn,o otl me it my a lsifenge thiw w'ree taguth nairlutiyelvb nad and evne uatob reclso ugrntsit. .
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Nad ineslegssn im' ofr ighrt rnyelutrc ot onw it, inkltga a ma of lrfgutae ilstl a i utb onsase guy ni. I him wdluo kile asy i. Acft be vnorpe i lefiingg-iv sah been ree'w og it l'lit nrurgyslpiis nrowg eingmet ocudl srue t-thnebu- fi dratshu,y dna tno er-enh-anwyi on. Hatt sih tebert titursng iv'e wsay rnuderrse neim to alp,n woh hatn dgs'o and ot nenglira era eenb. Of panpe,hs dlasrsrege 'mi untrcre ugy ahtw urgtlfea siht rfo. A ni whta see i atht apenshp ro itwh omhtn 'well os puoesps.
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Wiht fimaly. . . Ts'i olcmtcpdeai. You has it neth eizarel dn'dti it kbca if b,ene vene sayawl. Odecfr sehpad to veah tdyao ot cunakp lgolece i taht olt to nvee a me ehrsto woh of trouelfnuaytn lelitt teealr shrut cnimog. Lot tanetmatch sesiu,s the a fo gesrgsutl nbuvtreillaiy wtih. . . . Ewre rmfo hyet woh tmse eidsar ew do. Ruo in to bene nad itufildfc oemc st'i esrtm ot iwht essknenbor myfail the. I isht anerhwey omeh utb ttha be ulgtresgs singoeei-rsnazla- ttha's of rtrhea ggetbis of lwodu eben the uercnrt one. Algehni e,nht dan is rfo iseerd evne owlsyl earf, ntrcolo hte thu,r odg. Gpir go ahve to evor reazdeli hte nwta fo etl 'tsi sliev ym to 'evi i aoky tsris'es. 'tnod i vaeh be aetprn to idthr hte. And ltlaaucy ni dnehoparto ionggwr htier my rentasp ftaih rae. Heitr ot ni em that the xtet seyra ttsru recuos oguneh sdleseb ressits my rltyu thwi esae/tyengntga actf of ere'thy dna own me neve thoguh im' ilstl rneut,yleqf. Hwen oyu (w,wo orwet oyu het nsoo eteltr ega beillsaa shti eb reew llwi. 'ahstt arzcy. ).
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Am ot lsilt ufn kagltin i fat,c il. Ssgue i itbah i nrvee htat ekcidk. Me t'eeryh gikepne khcec lsitl ni.
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Tahn rprote is rgstnore vere 'mi apyph athfi my ttah to. Ot yelrla tfiah ym amek ahwt osveicdr hda tenma to ym nwo i ti. If i twih gdo i deen hmi tdrsnduaen a dnti'd ahwt cmuh relazdei i woh hnoiletsraip kacb hn,te neev metan. Nnitgho cnreespe ncitmorgof ni raelnde i ahtn tath seth're iviiegg-nlf renitgs erom ish dna lyimsp. Reyve mirnnog blbie aplrisitu ev'i cbka ganredi up, hte nidipliescs tdstera elik mose. Im' a,lcolcroyionlgh who efil i ogrndnigu dogo lbebi htis fro nhsgiap nebe eddiecd dan at ot lla erad sti' e'sh lmaseu nebe arielze d2n my niydbelicr oelhw ewhil eht ohughtr own! hte ot. Rrahob ydeaeyvr tenmmos lkoos tfeuru onwk i bausece mhi eniatxy i ot ustrt kiel wtah ni hte rof ti ssel het. For d-ry-ae5l1o as illett hktna the uyo lsaml of cbak a tsesp ihfta veen oyu ,thne otko. I of 'uody eb owh rodup afr meoc tnhik 'ive.
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I'm i tath tsju ouy yas dan ot kacb ,neth you orpdu fo so ftel antwed edhwvrloeme i knwo. Nhwe ktep arhd ogign ouy it guthegd uoy u;to asw ti. Esru us dna ryacs rodlw eht to big meeeds 'im. Iemeomsst doe,s ti lslti. Loko ihwt thta og at heewr far acem ocnvocitin dna i llist etrhe liedfl i but so form bkac to si 'im. Ni is dan teg i ,dogo to ernvteaud nrtrepa dlrcnebiie o'gds an npla. Em lefi won be iltetl dzaaem e,m freinefdt u'ody oloks for how ta. Os, btu m'i uhmc rpaiphe so. .
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Ot snthak stih me rfo tiopn igtegnt. Nktash ton up rof gignvi. Ouy i lveo. Olok gorheett vfie troeanh in acbk l'ets yraes!.
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Rle,ycisen.
Eth feutru fmor uyo.
5]/4620[/2.

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