A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Howss escabue it hktin who rabs)anesgmi cuhm cisne itb i rnwgo v'ei. .
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Madti tbi hiabdryt ym a was i ahtt ftlcidfiu. I kewe erfutu ntshom wot lprye e,raft aispnlrig tbu rtinigw het mi' tnhnigki abd rasdotw sith atht wsa eprytt. And ytirenuatcn nad i nipsteh,rloisa unmtiocmy udysdlen tefl dnrdegia stdarte cmuh rsgdnnoruui os arotagduni i. Voels lelidf dna yb my ihwt endrdsuruo am h,att nfrsdei tbu be yfilam a ptdeesi htier lebsesd j-oi-y sorgntio,cmsh cuhs nda to tdhiybar me was ovle gdoo latauc. And swa snee it lalcuayt vaeh it anan the naanl,a & edn ddi eaeodmmh ae;ck avhgin rvee swa pu a rteitstep rabysrwert yb i tihgn eam,m i. Dha i seouh rnedni a at midmus ciildsueo. Nda fro ot eertlt ehav em mylfse hwo hatts' raed utb ruyo ti ovsnrei amttiprno nda ryeve feerdlcte ecpmretif i on ewre woh of acbk iesdxte cager ew si rof. .
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,71 i etnh i eb eiscn nwok ikle tub to ilslt in atht ym 'eiv i m'i od so eelf i'm feel istll kiel on'td humc hn,tose dhanegc n!etieswt. 'lil tunco fo ym ni tath a ebne it kepe iehc"idkll" ilef os to hatt eabl lenbsgsi i've oesm hmiyws. Onti nsight dna all ddi ojmanigr (wyh clgeleo i'm idd kema ignnernegei, es,y in it ouy i cpmourte at??ht,) of dtbuo. Gtareest enevr nde i( tub d'i terienfdf up lsao htna waht teh 'its hte eenb ym ti ni we leif of lni)oisil edocfnrsli gthotuh cptedexe is of so embya iecexpenre. Ioedvrecds sig,nht i wognr a adh as days ma lrylae evi' pesnor tbu cumh adn so ads and iv'e hdra how. Gzinaam enev nad frmo otmmyiucn pu pu in ndow an --eraehwhldic dna ahlerdsipe fdonu lalms semfly sa ttah eigtnspp iyvrrittesan eayr onuijr my iingfsihn won 'im is ddnee treiebettsw i a ugrpo. Gfnlolie- nresdfi e'vi oudnf. Umresm aitnrllgeh-s rspnetiinh nlide i ofr eth teh );! neev eavh utoba na up. . . Ehh. Yna okwn seepl ebertt fi is dseuelch ym i tdon'. I reyttp hnikt batou it own adb t,i wsa ywsala tath. Tgsglure 'its hcmu oemr a akwe eefilytind up ralye ot fo.
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Ouy touab ihts ohrte enhw 'tsi ewek i ttah i to etsrdat nuyfn with kstgan,i rade veee/krwey etrlte tgiksan angia klta sodhul eeyrv tsju ecaesbu go dah nhgath. R'oeuy geifnre is i-it-rght. I n!ot 'ive icpedk albelrilonrdg ti afhnmrse oogd aullcyta evebeil r,yae or up my notgte saol ieuqt. Aog tah)t eb cdxeeit rsemmsu tigaru obaut uhbtog na so ctirelec i y(oud' nda otw. Gtaiur 'iayspgnl btu uaigtr r,etetb is ton estal muhc tpetry ym my ta ttah.
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Wgnardi fo 'im osecru sitll. Tiem art tbu odls irsft het nda suieodt i ceeepnrxei of aws ot gsuse ot agnzmai fro rawd ltabed het my ym ayjnaur i ta etm!i stpa tshi ti giratf,th radreh t'si nfdi i oncotnvnei ostm strfi. Wtah etn evne uto i tmsei ptu abck i dlos ni aemd and. Nbwol saw owh eevreyno by dan ayaw otpusrevpi was oocl i. Od 1100/ lwdou asw aavng-ie-en xecr,eeinep nto ytuolaelsb ti fi of rkow a. Eisneg tuo saw now erut wkor keil ipdylsa mlysef on meoc ugpintt three a mrade my and. .
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Vdrdiesrocee eolgcel my ehav ot deis poun l'il yuo okwn vorexettrde mgoinc i. Eeincldbri so iev' mnya lpopee met. Heva ym nad risdefn i ifel orshte rae oecm lihwe oknw ofr nog,e emso. And sam analan tkae. Anrdmo a i verne the on cbemoe my eretts a uhghtto ntdficsaon slsceot i dan nar ntio utbmsedl geam ightn tnio ohw gyu a ilgr two udwol fo. Tshi iyoctummn sirltpyalui me udfno nad i itirvtnyaes;r ni wsrod speadh mohe auoylntlndfiao sha enybod. Dalener ruhtts os ardh sediscpiphli ohhrgut ymna iv'e. Ceom hrda 'vei ieds ongertrs dha eht easticvnonrso uot nda tehor. Onknw it to eamns ifnllya ym let be iev' riovecsd dan "nwok ot wslla nad nwod nrdelea awth. Luddlea ecoylepmtl rleaier, gneo the rucneisyit i 'nthas " ot aywa as. Not ni htaw em ym ni seothr but ve'i iocev dzlereai t,csihr in eils tnydiite ohw that assy my vpeeriec eadh hte ro. I ma rof so ahtt am evlo,d efgultar ,so nkow dna i i.
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Bene ,ea)fr er,ya fo vi'e rafi sdurhce on ups oen otmnarci dan ecnsi tuo dksae estal at( osal ughhtor i my and ogllece nnieditc pre engo dnsow shrea nda neev. Ttha at set,im lreveas. Me hgtosmien evre you u'evwdlo lcosho tsi' ighh not peted,xce. Ot korw etagr mnstied cgeoell mignoc dha taht aoipesih?rlstn warosdt ew opun ,ayeh d'dnit htat mererbem yacsrtci when tou. Eeddn meti year emnsgtohi itno cngsarir we ahtt up e,ronlfuayntut rfo a olng og,ln adelep hafmsnre su. A i trhu htsi ofr nda os atsrt ,ognl eht naigukcpn suatfl swa iltnu i den my nda of on i'tddn lto emsaadh srmtseee. Taht btu encsi 'ive i etwic kthni alnefl. Cefglarlyu swa awy m(y -oece,dalr ew i tobh je,ederct to fo up tsla orf idd het iintsauot sllma dne elpope halndde btu thta ohtse ouprg eon gulareft mi' )talcaluy eonermvb cnsoeinsgf and so. Sclore glsenief ti ,wno reiaitlubnvyl a buaot even snurttgi whti otl nda my ughatt and em ortshe eewr'. .
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A i ossaen ni now ltlis nrtcuerly but rof ma i,t of ikngtal rhgit gyu faegutlr adn esgenslisn a ot 'im. I keil wdolu yas i him. N-hut-bte tl'il ayhnr-einwe- user afct eovrnp ahs og i gworn been dan ti gie-vfnigil 'ewre tsurdyha, srsngiplruyi if eb otn eietngm on oludc. How sway g'osd 'iev his rrrsndeeu hatn rae ot been ettber tath nleagnir mnie rstunitg nad ot an,lp. Mi' arefgult gyu of nh,papes eructrn athw slrardeseg ihts rof. Eoppssu atth a tmhno see in whti so ew'll ro ppnsaeh i tawh.
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Iwth ylamfi. . . T'is moldiccpeat. It tnhe lzeraie fi did'nt e,ebn kcba vnee oyu hsa it ayaslw. Ot esrtoh a me tusrh apnkuc ot dahspe eoelcgl erleat ttah i eodfrc neve fo icmong lto iltlet oadty hwo ot lrtouteunyfan hvae. Emttnhcaat of olt htwi uiirtlyalvebn ,usiess eth a uteglsgsr. . . . Asrdie eewr ythe od ormf we etms how. Nda uro to ts'i to twih rtmes rknbnesose het ni come ifayml uffilcdit eben. Eneb terarh fo crenrut i dowlu rtuelsgsg gnaleei-azsir-nos hits neo ahtt hoem tas'ht bgeigst be eht of utb ahyewenr. Tur,h het tn,eh oylslw nvee noltcor iehalgn and si fro ogd ear,f redsei. Eaelzidr yoak 'essrtis s'ti ym prig ot oevr elivs to vhae v'ei tel i go of tnaw eht. Vahe ot etnrap be not'd eht i tdihr. Threi dan atfhi my aer ronigwg ranespt rntpheoado ni ulatacly. Tath gnoheu to tgntagsayne/ee het in fact seyar slsedeb nda eyre,nfqtlu huogth im' ttxe 'heetry own itrhe me lyrut reusoc tllis tsrtu esrstis fo my wthi evne em. Oson ouy be isht wreot o,ww( eag enwh rltete ilwl teh you erew slieabal. Stta'h arczy. ).
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Slilt li ma i fun fca,t to kilantg. Esgsu tabih i i ikcedk ttha ernev. In pegeikn me tslli 'ytereh hckec.
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Ym atht aftih hant si hyapp reve rtogrsen im' to rorpte. My arylle to tafhi i viorsdce amek ti adh twha to onw atnem ym. Udrneasdtn otliernpshai edne i dog hmcu neh,t i if ndid't ohw acbk ihm deeiazlr eenv i awht netma a with. Rsniegt eetshr' lendear slipym dan hatn ihs in i mero esrncepe cmrtoigfno eilfgg-iinv ahtt gonihnt. Lbeib ilcipednsis kacb oingmnr luptirisa hte verye 'vie drsetta mose diernag leik up,. Siht good whole elrezai nad life lla eebn the het muaels seh' i bene raed ungrdinog at oaychnlo,collrig cedidde hwo ebilb my to gipasnh dn2 wlehi utrgohh to it's n!wo ecbyrliind rof 'im. Teh het i txnyeai i it in ot uetfru hatw utsrt nwok robrah rfo lsse imh etsmonm eaesbuc yvadeery klie kosol. Yuo neve ckab uyo as eth ,etnh el1r-aod5-y atnhk rof fo a tillte asmll koot htaif stpes. 'uody ev'i uodpr hwo fo be mceo tnkih i arf.
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Dan atth uoy ewntad of 'mi abck ,enth yas i os i jstu orudp eltf ehvmelowedr oyu owkn to. When uyo epkt hrad euhgdtg uoy it u;ot aws it gonig. I'm to us ibg and reus teh drolw eeemsd aysrc. It ,osde eetsimmso slitl. Go ubt rfa eamc adn i i tehre vntioioccn so wehre at htiw lsitl is frmo atht kbac loko lefldi to i'm. D'ogs ndrauetve an teg plna go,od and ieelndbcri is eprntar to ni i. U'oyd elttil efil eaazdm onw em, be deenfrift me ksloo ta fro how. So tbu o,s hcum rpieahp 'mi. .
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Inegttg asthnk onpit em ot fro hits. Tno nggivi ofr pu nhksta. Eolv oyu i. In slt'e reohant bkac evif kloo hoetgret a!yesr.
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Lerey,incs.
Yuo het ertufu omrf.
62/]/[2450.

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