A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Ohsws owh it re)inmasbsag mchu i 'ive wonrg hnkit ceins abueecs ibt. .
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My a swa tbi idatm i ludfcfiit taht hiytabrd. Hits yrtpte etfuru atrswod gtnnkihi bad owt lnraspgii swa elryp toshnm tnwrigi i ae,ftr that tub kwee eth 'im. I tefl dedunysl insrgurnoud atucnteiryn tretdsa ltpshii,soeanr nad i tgnaouidra so dridange and immtouycn umhc. My odgo ma yoji-- etseidp cshu nsirefd aiyflm was svole sduunrdroe ovel esedsbl dna ihtre yb to be em eldfil aluact a hwti dtyrihba and ht,ta tbu cstonhrgo,sim. I ltaclyua prteitets nde reev idd aannl,a ti a anna yb adn mam,e pu asw brsrayewtr heav momehdae hte seen ignavh saw nihtg ti ck;ae & i. A uohes ta adh nrdein eiilcduos i msmiud. It terimpcfe dear elecftdre dna vsionre evyer no we dan ckab how i etelrt xeitesd how btu ta'sth rof sfyeml vhea me tmtnpoari ryou ot rof si creag fo wree. .
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Eb tbu wokn shnoe,t in n!eesittw sillt od i cmhu os ndto' i nhet sicne mi' i kile ym ltlis fele htta 71, 'im dhegnca ilke efel ot iev'. Htta a ei'v to flei ebal peek ill"ehkdci" my bnee tounc fo ihsywm slingseb it moes ahtt 'lil so in. Rompteuc i'm egecllo h?tt?a), lla akem adn h(yw did egrgieein,nn ti roigmnja fo tion hsintg odtub did in ye,s uoy i. Ilfcenosdr utb ym si xpeeecerni feli ptedcexe di' eagtrtes )loiinsli nerev eth than pu sola teiredfnf ned sti' ymeba nebe ti of teh so fo thwa (i oththug ni we. I nda woh and e'iv mhuc asd oevdsrcdei but vei' allrye ongwr syad arhd sthn,gi a adh am os as repnso. Taht motymincu pu eray na rehspeilda enev zamaign a ninsigfih lslam unfdo up sa my m'i dan dcih-ew-raleh eeddn i eitgsnpp onjrui nwo ormf yfslme si pourg in rnsvytiitrae tiesrwtbeet nad owdn. Ei'v udfno lol-igfne rdeifns. Up )!; eildn rof i as-elnihrtlg aveh uboat nsrhpetini the eevn eht na urmmes. . . Hhe. Elesp yan fi nkow uslecehd i treetb ym otnd' si. Teyrpt thta waysal saw abuto hknit adb ti onw ,ti i. 'tsi aeylr nieydfietl chum kewa of ot remo rtegugls pu a.
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Ot eervwky/ee ksgatin yuo just had threo kng,asti batuo tlka tath ehnw gnahht go ist' i week usodhl aerd evyer rdtseat unyfn tiwh naaig tihs tleetr i eusbcea. Tr-higit- is o'ryeu neergfi. Leibeve 'evi ti up osal seanhrfm tiueq eyar, t!no my dgoo i lcalauyt piedkc or nliorgredabll ottneg. I eb owt emssrum oga a)htt auobt doyu'( liectcer an so iexetcd dna hbotgu ritaug. Cmhu igtrua not my tub ,ttbeer rytept at htta salet ariutg si my gyaislp'n.
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'im gwrnaid ilstl fo uoecsr. But time trfis ihst 'its tpsa ot ym eht teh ndif at i rhrdea ,tfgtrhia ifrst it ncexeeiper rof gmzaani wadr my olsd nvnenoiotc ei!mt tmso saw ajynaru and sioeudt to i fo ltdbea i guses atr. Lsod twah ent uot i put esmti in maed enev dan i kbac. Reeeyovn aawy by saw dan ocol i how sepviprtuo asw bonlw. Tuoalblsye duolw 0011/ fi do wrko ton wsa epe,neirecx a ti fo anea-ign-ve. My aipylds ardem uto wsa wkro on uret eethr now ielk gsinee utntipg a moce nda seflmy. .
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Oeclelg lli' my seid odcrsdeeevir omgcni npou i to trvdtxeeeor ouy wokn vahe. Ynma beidrecnli tem so eeplpo ive'. Hiwel lfie dan edinrsf omec my are emos rfo oneg, i evah thrsoe oknw. Dna asm keta aaalnn. Rndmoa nrvee eth on of noti iton girl ltossce my nda a a agme i ofincsdtan gyu ran sertet bcmeeo tow wloud tohhutg who a tngih i dsuemtbl. Nda itsh sltruaiypil hsa rdosw hdpaes em oayuaonfdlnitl s;tareivintry ehmo dnouf i denboy yntmucomi in. Os e'vi anleerd gtuhhro hurtts adhr chilipsdespi nmya. Iesd tou dan ive' htreo oecm tnieoonsvrsac hda rgnosetr rhda teh. And aiyflln be nkw"o 'eiv nda eranled ti lte dircvseo awth to lwasl donw esanm ot ym kwonn. Nego duladel " rstiyeiunc i as aayw snhat' cmellopety ot ear,ilre eth. Ton thaw sertho in me woh ereialzd v'ei in ni my utb iedtnyit ysas iles receevip evoci hade teh hatt or my tshcri,. I ofr ,so taht volde, am os ma i i rfuaeltg adn wnok.
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Eon 'vie sloa dan ym ,fe)ra ebne eleoglc on of eong nseic i evne pus uto eksda adn tugrohh a(t iafr astle druehcs cinntdei erp y,era wdons dan ehars iatnrocm. That stm,ie slaeevr ta. Yuo ld'ovewu dtcxepee, mhngsetio otn em vree olsohc hhig s'it. Ttah micgon eagtr that to bmreerme rwok uto ?ntealshiirspo ahd olgelec dmtiens ew ayh,e enwh dn'idt uopn strccaiy rostdaw. That herfamsn us rfo taulfurtnoy,ne sgothmeni edend eyar nlog alepde etmi iarsnrcg nog,l up iotn ew a. Tsih tasflu nad ahdaems orf teh trtas os n,olg olt a saw dna i tlnui rsetemse dtdni' apinngcku nde no of hurt ym i. Ktihn thta wtiec btu ei'v cinse i fllnea. I ualtgfer ndaeldh pu tbu so prguo epeolp ddi orf hstoe eth both lc)latauy mlals i'm snngseofci tath nasoittui we dne way to asw obenvrme dan redjte,ec oen (ym of ltas rcelade,-o clearlguyf. E'wer aivubtnrilyle a sfenglei escrol nda trtusgin ,wno ym em lot outab ti hiwt dna rheost neve hgttua. .
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A nda wno nlkgait eosans cyretrnlu a arfutelg i,t 'im ot issegnnesl fo but ritgh in illts am rfo guy i. I i ays uolwd kiel imh. Ronwg i bnuht-t-e cfta ti be if iiglnv-gefi yriigsnupslr ash nieetmg yniewer-han- resu ont enpvro neeb dna 'tlil r,shyudta odluc r'eew go no. Lanp, htna swya aernngil ot 'gods tniustrg dan hsi bnee ei'v woh rteteb ttha ienm unrerresd ot ear. Im' ,snappeh ualtfgre guy serreldgas ihts urtnrce ofr of htaw. Happesn hwat i ese or lle'w tnhom a so ihtw ni ttha ppseous.
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Twih layfmi. . . Ctmolceaipd tsi'. If neeb, it even ash etnh ysaalw oyu idt'dn it bcak zrieela. Evne etaelr ot to fo that dtyao atntulnfroyeu cimgno a lot ohw htrsu esphad cloeelg to ltetli aveh em eofdcr i hotsre pankcu. Lrtvyubianeli sssiue, iwth teh lto a fo geutslsgr tachttname. . . . Erwe orfm hwo htye we tems od riedsa. To i'ts ruo nsreobknes temrs ffitdcilu meoc ebne itwh to dan ni ailmyf the. I btu ehrrta seoisgan-nlreai-z ahtts' nebe eth htat rwaneehy elsugstrg fo oen dwolu fo ebgitsg eb this omeh ecntrur. Ethn, lcnroto god eevn lgehnia yowlsl si het rfo tuhr, adn disere fr,ea. Ot my rsets'si eahv tnwa to lsive het tle fo s'it ldieearz go 'ive rpgi koay ovre i. Ot hvae eb tno'd eht i itrhd rtnaep. Rwgongi ethordnapo hfait rea rhtie aclltayu psetnra ym ni nad. Aeysr risests ym fcta cesruo thta blsdsee llits ryltu teirh to now ni gtyaesagn/nete em xett whti enve dna ueghno trtus flt,uqynere of em 'im hte tyer'eh ouhhgt. When shti you liwl noos teelrt het eb you rewe owetr aeg laeisabl o,w(w. Shtat' rycza. ).
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Ma ot aginktl i stlli nfu t,fac li. Gseus i i taht kedcik hatbi veenr. Me ehyret' gpeinek llits in cchek.
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Yaphp rvee ym im' si tahif ortrpe to tahn htta rernstog. Ym iftah it i kmea eylalr wno dah ym anemt to what eisrcovd ot. 'didtn i wtah a i mhcu odg acbk thiw if nth,e imh dsudnentra who i nmtea neve eend natihlispore eezlaird. Ahtn in ldneaer gnnihot ihs eorm thta i nda nfgmotrioc v-gflgeniii rhsete' eecesrpn imsply gnteris. Smoe igrmnno leibb up, yevre cabk ratsedt het vie' lkei liispseincd dnrgiae rtailsupi. I'm elohw lriibycned urghoht i lal ngrdiguno nd2 msuael phgisna who ibble isht ared ,lylaclohrncioog wielh edddcie odgo seh' eebn lzireea ym ot i'st for nad bnee teh ta to nwo! ielf het. Atwh i oolsk mhi ni eht sturt rof uteruf less rarboh nwok ot xyntiea keil tsmnoem it i abeesuc eth raeedvyy. Uyo fo etssp ttiell eth ihtaf masll eenv orf yuo sa ,thne khatn dl5oy--er1a koot a bcak. I ikhnt be eomc i've d'you how purod of arf.
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I oyu wetdna knwo ustj rpoud then, to of vloemwhrdee i tlfe ahtt uyo asy 'mi nad os back. Dggheut yuo ouy petk it hdra to;u enwh was ngigo ti. Im' hte us esur ot eeesdm ibg adn rlwod caysr. It meseomtis tilsl sdeo,. Hatt at mfro go lslti so adn bcka 'mi but okol si i to nocvctnoii ehetr ldiefl i fra twhi rehew eacm. In na apln anetrrp nda is ood,g rtnevaude etg gdso' idbnrcleie ot i. Nwo lksoo ofr ,em azdaem em ta reitffden tilelt ilef be who yuo'd. 'mi cumh so utb rapipeh o,s. .
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Tegtign hsit em for ipont ot shtkan. Ofr iggniv tno htknas pu. You vleo i. Oolk vief tohaner akbc saer!y rgtehote in lse't.
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Re,ncseyli.
Oyu tueurf fmro eht.
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