A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Ti i've hsosw tnkhi tbi chmu insce who aucbese a)sanmgsrieb i gnrow. .
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Itdma my a was atth tib i bhdatiry dufiitcfl. Torsadw i pyrle etr,af but rutfeu ihst eewk otsnhm wigtrni ttah bda tniknghi hte i'm ytprte iagnsiplr was tow. I mnyumoitc atdrtes dan ttnayecnuir os aotniragud flte espans,orhitli dna cumh i useddnly aegdrndi rgrsunuiond. Sortminsh,ogc frdnies leflid twih vsleo thire nad a be am pteesid amliyf uuerdsondr thta, my nda to btu vloe ssdlbee raiytdbh em aws odog atcaul yb j--oiy shcu. Ti i the erbyrwtars nhvaig a ehav eevr pu yb i ti meaheodm ghitn wsa wsa ddi aacutlyl nees n,lanaa adn emma, naan end tsrpettie & ecak;. Nedinr a ulsidoeic had mduims ta eoush i. Lertte prfemicte ofr tah'st nda on tarniompt it of eewr recag sxediet uroy vryee hvea ckba si rof i read me dlefeterc woh to we oiesnvr lfesym ubt ohw adn. .
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Nicse eb etnh ,71 ni eikl elef i i but todn' titenw!es klei od im' 'mi e'iv eefl ym os lsilt tllsi etonhs, hmuc to htta i hnacegd oknw. Os ttah mswyhi keep my 'iev sgeblisn it ill' a to "ilchdk"eli omes ocntu bela htat in ifel nbee of. Lla grngineine,e did gsthin ubdto es,y pcroetmu oyu ti ht?,ta)? ni y(wh aemk ocellge ntoi ngroimja of idd i mi' nad. Thaw ogtuthh maybe up edn oals di' eben (i )inoliils icexeepren nerefidtf leciorfdns my teh hte of rtgestea enrve ti ntah in ist' is eedctpxe so fo ew fiel but. Utb ma rwgno dahr e'vi sady nsrpoe sa i've dna sda lalrey cmuh nad os i had eordcsived tnihs,g a hwo. Allms cuoimymnt tisteewbtre enve semlyf siniinhfg up ofdnu fomr needd i my nwdo jurnio pugor onw hlhraeed--wci si and sapedliher ttha iamzgan as and an iintetaryvrs engitpsp yaer up i'm a in. Drfsein ndouf v'ie oeflgi-nl. Evne eildn for lg-ilhnseart het evha i pu ermusm btoua na inhtirnesp teh !;). . . Hhe. Fi i hecsdlue my yna 'otnd eslep konw si teterb. Ttyrep it asw won bad lywasa atht abtuo i ,ti htnik. Ucmh t'is to rtlguegs roem of ryale yelindtief pu kaew a.
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Isth etrho ujts oyu htta tki,sgan uslodh secebau hwti nagia ktal ot i newh rtedsat hda teelrt obaut eewk ervye sniaktg i hnhtga ufynn veyeerk/we 'tis go aedr. Ieefrgn is gtiirh-t- o'eruy. Ton! tallcyua piekcd ro asol eivelbe etqiu hsmrnefa ym ti ,ryae ribgeldllrona oodg i eotgnt i've up. Xdetcie goa seusmrm be (oyud' ubhogt rccileet wto tubao urgita nad i )htat na os. Ttah my ptyetr aturgi uaigtr at tub 'ngslyiap etals is ym cuhm tno t,etbre.
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Fo 'im dwgrian lslit eosrcu. Lbdeta teh i it!em fo fnid ptas suesg rifst ot rfo 'ist mots emit erhard at wdra lsod ifsrt i seutoid jayunra nad art saw ieeneerpxc i gniazma the vnecnntooi irft,ahtg it ym tshi ubt to ym. I upt dols mtsei cabk and i edam vnee tne thaw tuo in. Saw cool iorpvtspeu waya i and aws yb eoeernyv olwnb ohw. --aeneniavg it okrw /1010 oludw epc,enixree not uaesbtloyl fi do was a fo. Rkow a won no smelfy ym yidlpsa uot eomc swa unptgit segien rteeh etru nda lkie readm. .
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Ahev side opun uoy eeroevttxrd elgleoc i 'lil redsvcdeerio gonmic ym knwo to. Mte evi' poeple anmy ilcnrebeid so. Flie heilw evha rnsidfe ear my coem moes rfo nwko i ,oneg dna teohrs. Dna nanaal sam take. Wdoul my a into nfacnsotdi omanrd wot a nvere mega no i iglr ugy lstceso ran seettr tignh of adn i oitn eht who tsdmbleu a eemcbo htoghut. Irentyatsriv; ash and i tsih alluoyofaintdn oyintmmuc sodwr me ni ofnud haespd iasrtpilylu mohe oynebd. Rhda rthuts many ndeelra os hhtougr dissplpiihce ei'v. Iensootvracsn mceo e'iv eth desi rdah eroht nda ahd rsntreog uot. Ndow nda it my hatw to neradel llwsa sdvceoir elt wknno to wkn"o smane and flanyli eb v'ie. Alrre,ei to teh nsaht' i yitercsinu noeg sa tllpecymeo away " elauldd. Vie' dineyitt trheso ,rcisth ni siel not zeerdial owh tbu yssa ni hwta atth in eiocv me eepervci ym edah the ym or. I for os know ma ,os i ahtt gtaflrue i ma nad de,ovl.
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I rohtuhg eno pus vene sucrdhe dan telsa sdeak ary,e v'ei )af,er nda eogn srhea cramnito nwsdo cenis denctini fo iraf tuo rep nda ym geoclle ta( nbee osal on. Aelrsev htat esm,ti at. Cshool ton em ist' olvwd'eu dpxee,cte eotgminhs vree hhgi uoy. We ahtt mnocgi a,hye warostd newh wkor oensiphisrtal? istemnd tuo striycca uonp did'nt ollcege meeremrb thta had etrga to. Us pu ddnee we ntfoyu,lernaut mnfserha ahtt gnol tnio inmgtoehs gnl,o ietm rof grrnscai daelep ayre a. Fo i hsaedam thur and ,nlgo so adn for ym a i lntui fastul wsa ankuignpc end tol ttsar mesteres dtd'ni teh tsih no. I csnie atth tbu hntik itecw 'vie allefn. Eht oppeel ,cdeolr-ea llcatyau) teohs noe we of rovbenem wya isntiatou altfrgeu eucfrgyall up adn lsta ddi dne ot rpugo i'm jdet,eerc atht hbot snoesfcing os i utb m(y dndhlea lsaml ofr swa. Rheots now, losrce me ughatt my ee'rw even a it vltnubeayliri lot dna nda tihw aoutb fensglie tgitusrn. .
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A it, rfetglua tiagnlk eossan i and ni to a ubt girth rof won ma erlynurct ygu 'mi llsit of sngsenslie. Luowd say imh i keli i. Neeb i dna has fact if doucl emgenit a-ernwhie-yn gonrw ei-viiglfng eusr nveopr lli't be hsdrutya, ygpniulsrris it no tno go ewe'r tnh-e-tub. Ienm a,pnl gd'os ohw enbe wysa his tnha erbtet to gealnrni rerdruens tath rea i'ev dan ot gnitstur. Rof cnruret seanp,hp tsih ygu of tlufeagr salerrgsde hwat im'. Twha or ni epssuop otnmh hwit so i atth l'wle a sepnhap ese.
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Thiw yiafml. . . T'si ocmitapledc. Back vene ash it if ti oyu tenh yswlaa iazrele ne,eb dnitd'. Heva ellocge who ltelti rtelae ntlaruutoyfen cmigno em ot to soethr ukcanp dpahse tlo thta rfcode to neve stuhr a adyto of i. Hwit ,ssueis a the vleybtuiranli caattthnme seutlgsrg of olt. . . . Do were we mofr eyth esmt woh siedra. Ebne faliym ot ni cemo flcdfutii nda 'tsi to hitw rou erstm okersnnbes eth. Rgtslsuge bnee rerunct sht'ta that hmeo tsgigbe isht fo teh i egnezai--lssiarno woldu eayhrnew errhta eno fo btu eb. Dna rof rdseei ianglhe fre,a is eht ,uhrt gdo enve yslwol hne,t otcnolr. Irgp t'esrsis sti' wnat ot to fo rveo let sveil my koay ev'i zrdlaeie go i ehav hte. Aertpn het d'ont i eb to ahev htrdi. Rdeatphono llcauayt are ni adn ogwnrig htier thafi ym etsnpra. Mi' lessedb xett crueso het stseisr houegn that trust y'erhte adn me ot yulrt uqneefr,tly my atcf iwht yge/aennagtets ltlsi me ohguth hrtei in veen nwo fo esyra. Isth reew be w(w,o telrte lliw whne rwote noso ega teh uyo uoy lbileaas. Ayrzc atsth'. ).
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Lsitl fnu li i am laitkgn ot cfa,t. I gessu ekcikd ahibt evern atth i. Ete'ryh me stlil cechk ni kgnpiee.
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Is proetr orertnsg my mi' tanh erve htta to fhtai hypap. Ot idcvosre ti dha alryle twha emnta i akme now ym ot ym ithfa. I veen i 'itddn i if cbak tihw azeldire who ntliasroehpi saurnedntd thwa dnee mih odg ,nteh a manet much. Ogmtciofrn emro in herte's -ilivfggein atth hnnigot hsi elander adn eecrpsne i nhat nreitsg siympl. Rtdetas nicleidipss emos aursltpii eth eeyrv ielbb kacb like endriag ngromin p,u ive'. Lesaum ogod read npaihgs the i'm lal 'seh my dna 'its eneb lreiaez hilew ta nd2 nooirog,allcyhlc woh to to nebe i dcddiee tsih ofr uongigdrn icbyrliedn the leibb toghurh lefi !onw hwleo. Hte hmi xayitne the ohrrab kwon elik wtah yedyreva lses frtuue rof tusrt it i in lsoko i cusbaee to sontmme. A akhtn ootk ouy enve athif as het sestp akcb malls fro yuo fo 1eal-o5d-ry tlltei e,hnt. Knhti eb who opurd ev'i rfa yuo'd i of moec.
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I 'mi uoy just fo urpdo hmoewedlevr asy th,ne nad neatwd letf you okwn so htta ot i bkac. Was gingo yuo newh uyo ti it otu; ugdethg hadr kpte. I'm rcasy ot adn edseem ibg teh seur su wdorl. Ti mmsoisete ltlis s,edo. Meca og illefd frmo i i'm arf to hitw eethr atth hweer dan is lilst kbac ubt at i nivitocnoc os oklo. Nlap o,dog rpraten dan i is utrvdneea teg na sd'og nldeiciber to ni. Hwo ittlel me eb rfo lief ta kloos m,e own tfedernif 'duoy edamaz. Humc os, but rpaeiph i'm os. .
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Ggnttie ofr npiot me to tkshan tshi. Ingvgi pu nto tanhks rfo. I vole ouy. Aysre! kabc ni let's loko raneoth togterhe ivfe.
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L,yeesnirc.
The omrf fuetur ouy.
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