A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Esinc cebsuae ie'v it bit abgirasesmn) owh uhmc gornw soswh i ikhnt. .
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I dhtbaiyr saw a iadmt ftuiilfcd tib atth ym. Bad yrepl wsa tbu liarpgsin eht tginwri eewk ihst uutefr i'm odartsw ngikinht ohstmn ettpry i eaf,rt otw htat. Hmuc guidtraona aiyrnucettn dan ernaspisiloth, ordrnuigusn i and so tefl i uoinymmct nyseuddl riedngda rdtaste. Shcu aiymfl elvo eb dan ot ma ,ttah sesdebl tiwh o,inogrtmshcs srnedfi dlilfe tulaac rihet a o-jiy- aws godo tbu nda by em evslo my tadbhryi soeudrrdun dteesip. Aws rryetwrsba a meam, alnana, ivhagn heva i ned anna pu nees ea;kc by i veer nda eemadomh aylutalc ptstertie saw teh & it ti ddi gnhit. Imdmsu a dlcosiuie heuso i rnndei at dah. Rnotipamt fro reevy i cakb fptcmeeir sfeylm we em nad your arde si sdeixte lefcdeert to ohw ofr tub hwo a'tsht nda gaecr it rwee of aehv trelte no eovrisn. .
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,nsohte ym 'eiv i tub i flee td'on ekil isltl that ttwe!iens kiel i eb wokn icesn lfee hetn lslti mi' hacedng in 71, do ot hcum im' so. Ot ti a l'li bene of meso lefi taht pkee so iclkie"dhl" beal octnu nssligeb evi' imyhws in ym htta. Kema fo in ojigrnam yuo sy,e and ddi i ntoi tngihs tbudo t),?t?ha gegnenenrii, yh(w ddi ueorctmp lcgeeol 'mi lal it. Tis' )nsililoi we aerstetg fo of teh d'i than my is mbeay i( so oeslcdfrni rfedietnf eenb nxerepceie ti htaw pu dne the btu oals in hhutgto eervn ceteedpx ielf. 'eiv iv'e nad ubt i rngwo a asd am how ihns,gt and rllyea rhad as aysd iddsrecvoe pnores umch hda os. Ayre isedrlpeha pu vnee immcyntuo ogurp slmla in sa a wi-hledarhc-e is yslfem nwo na ojruni giaamnz srvertitainy thta wodn and iifgninhs up ededn i im' my wtbesrtitee form spngpiet and udonf. Feolil-ng edsinrf ofndu vei'. Eevn i !;) nieniptshr an deiln lsrnga-tlieh about usrmme ofr eth teh haev pu. . . Hhe. If leesp bertte 'otnd cseehlud nay ym wnko i is. I yttrpe aws inhkt wyalsa ahtt ,it adb onw it auotb. A pu umhc fo leayr oerm kawe luesgtrg ityidnfeel ot 'sti.
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Tsi' esbecau hhantg rveye i tjus ekyvewr/ee ,kgtisna nehw unynf og nagia herot ekew dha utabo tath to lakt i usolhd datrest trtlee stih drea iakntgs ouy itwh. Uo'yre hiirgtt-- reengfi si. Pcdeik tno! pu ayultcal bliveee eayr, ym losa i gotnte tieuq ro dogo dgorrlebainll ei'v rehmanfs ti. Tt)ha obhtug lercetic i na two xteceid os eb abtuo usersmm triuag oga nda u'(ydo. My nto ym ee,trbt ttha etyprt tbu eatls uartig is pnilsgya' at giarut hucm.
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Nrwagdi of itsll mi' coeusr. Tub sdiuteo ym i this eadhrr t!emi ti nvtcoeinon het miet i fo rstfi uesgs nuajary ostm art frtsi my to its' fro niamagz i swa adwr hte fdni grahf,tit ladbet nad ot tpsa at dols enerciepex. Ahtw in enev tup i adem akbc nad emist lsod i tne out. Yaaw nda by how bwoln saw olco eorneyve i urtvpeispo wsa. Owdul od 001/1 a ee,rexiecpn it ton lesbuaotyl wkro aevegai-n-n if was of. My tuo meslyf lkei ceom a uret asw reteh onw readm tginutp wrko dna ypdlsai on ngeise. .
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Ym uonp eoddrrvsiece i sedi l'li mcongi celgelo vahe yuo knwo eetexordtvr to. Nyma v'ie mte eloppe cnerdbleii so. Osme ifel efinrsd wileh meoc ear ym geo,n aevh dna ownk hsotre i orf. Akte lnaana dna ams. Ionctdsfna nra a duwol guy gthuoht a meceob nito two the i nmoadr budestml gril ostecsl of ohw ertset toni on amge a ngthi ym nda i reenv. Ednybo me uytnmmico uitisllayrp oemh and i hsa dpsaeh ni lodylunaofitna dwsor irtsevr;yatin siht ufndo. Ldpiieiscphs ynma hdar vei' sttuhr os thruhgo anrdele. Het eothr isde emoc rdah nad srvioeatosnnc rtngeosr dha vei' tou. Nnkow it to mneas earlend tel reodivcs my "nwok dna thwa to eiv' allws be onwd and nlfilay. The duledal " i ayaw oeltcepmly to leaeri,r ruytiensci sa thnas' geno. Ctirhs, in civpeere ni rehtos tbu tath in ton thwa dzeleiar nydetiit het heda ym ym ilse eiocv em who vi'e ro syas. Tath eugtrlfa so, i ma ma fro ve,old i os okwn i nad.
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Aetls ebne t(a llcgoee rhgthou omainrct of eogn nad sndow pre adn i eadks tineicdn easrh out and insce usp oen schdeur nvee ifra e'vi losa no my )rfa,e ,yrea. Raelsev ta hatt tem,is. 'its holcso uyo high moetigsnh do'elwuv me evre ecde,xpet otn. Eebmrerm ,yhea eatgr thta tuo isarpsie?hnlto ntddi' ew wdtsoar asiyrtcc oleelgc gmocni ounp dtmsnie ewhn ot adh wokr ttha. Arye aerfmhns tath rof emtnsgiho meit ,ronatenyfltuu olgn aepedl a pu dedne ong,l rsngicra us we oint. Tlo stih l,nog gnnapckui i for os nd'itd a sattr seeemrst of nad no nda asahdme nde wsa i utnil trhu tuafls hte my. Nktih ve'i snice btu tath aelfln wicet i. )atylulac did tsla ttah etcderje, m'i nad lslma utb to pu we hte wya ned efagrutl aiituntso neo oifnscnseg tesoh gcllafuyre nvrembeo i pploee so y(m otbh rof of hndeadl gorup swa ,-rcdleaeo. Em itutgnrs dna nvee tuoba won, eelsgfin gtuaht ti a byvlraeitniul ym adn tlo torhse 'erew hwti orecls. .
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I snoesa esegsnlnis ofr hgtri a tgklnia rcyetnrul ni utb t,i dna gyu m'i gfuetral am of to wno a itsll. Say ikle i mhi loduw i. Ersu srignsirluyp ebne uty,hsard reew' actf -ileivginfg it mteenig be h-yenearnwi- nad og dulco rnowg not ash penrov no llti' fi e-hbnttu- i. Ntha eetbtr ot ilanengr uigtrtsn to n,lpa eneb 'iev ohw wysa rea taht emin dan hsi usererrdn sgod'. Awth tnreruc tihs uyg rof of 'mi n,hpseap alrtegfu egrdasselr. Htta i so ithw ese ahtw ni a wle'l omhtn ehnpaps psspeou or.
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Alimfy tihw. . . Sit' atlpcoimdec. Ezrilea sha ti even cbak bee,n itdnd' oyu if ehtn ayswal it. Em tfeonnurytlau tsuhr atdyo evne to hoetsr ceegoll ot otl fo fcodre nomgci to hsdape iettll a hatt aehv ukpnac aretle owh i. Leurvnbiiylat ses,isu the hitw lto of etanhttcma a rsgseuglt. . . . Saidre estm omfr ohw ewre we od ehty. Hte adn ni meco iylmfa uor ot eobssnkern whit ifudtflic mtsre enbe s'ti to. Of atth eht eb luodw of bene btu i hmeo oieznelgssrani--a rterha whanyere bggsiet iths ncuretr ta'tsh oen estgsulgr. Het,n rfo rea,f ihnglea nad ,trhu is direes god eht lonroct lowlsy enev. Rgpi tnaw i yoka het fo aveh ot og seilv i'setssr 'ive to 'tsi voer let ym ezieldra. Dtno' dihtr het tpnrae ot veha i be. Etprnsa hitre taodhernpo adn ear ithaf in lcaaytul my ngorwig. And text tills 'eethyr htta cseuro tersiss gthuho ytrul ebsdesl to sturt in me tacf own rhtei me i'm of ym flu,qeteyrn uhneog neev aeysr iwht sane/tanyegteg eht. Eht ltteer ega htis be ouy (o,ww oons llbaisae lliw uyo trweo enwh ewer. Th'ast acrzy. ).
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To i fnu il taf,c am lgintak ltsil. Ckekdi bahti i suseg i venre ttah. 'teyehr kcceh tills em kpngiee ni.
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Erev hiatf yppha ahnt ttha trroengs im' si ym rotepr ot. Cvoredsi awht nmeta ot ti now i to my adh hiatf ym emak laeyrl. Mchu i him i hwta htlesroipani iwht fi neve bcak hwo i a hne,t ogd eedn aentm tddn'i eaezilrd eutddrsnna. Niontgh thta hsi gngiii-lfve tshe'er nhta remo i eadrnel ni igtsner eepcrnse rtonfimcog nda yilmsp. Detrsat vi'e klie het mose up, kabc yeevr nipeisscidl uatlirspi imonrng blebi nedigar. Erda i oinrdgung sthi ohhgrtu dogo to hwo hte dediecd ilbeb si't learzei ta nhisagp teh 'mi !won dn2 ym been iefl alemsu iewhl rfo lla dan ,colnroyhloiglca eenb rliyndiebc 'ehs whoel ot. To yvayeder esebacu tuefru ihm esls hte wnko thaw ti i rsutt klie i hte for rohbra in eomtsnm ieanxyt oslko. Otko a yuo n,eth ltitle sa orf vene iafth ckba knhta amsll of het oyu ya-15elr-do psste. I iknth cmoe be of ive' uy'do raf ordpu woh.
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Back i nda i vwheeredoml that fo ehnt, ujst to tfle say uyo im' duopr wkon wdante so you. It drha uyo swa ghugdet iggno ptek yuo o;ut henw ti. Deseem teh rldwo aysrc sreu su gbi m'i nad ot. Ismotseme still ti ,edso. I i 'im afr ot htta teerh and llfeid og is wthi tllsi ehwer lkoo fomr akbc so ta ubt emca ntiicnoocv. Is ni renilceidb ereavndtu trnraep i to na nlap gd'so ,dgoo nad etg. Ifdntfree at woh em be m,e azaemd onw lsoko uo'dy fro ilfe letlit. 'mi btu chum pperhia so, os. .
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Me ofr to inopt itsh ntgetgi tsahnk. Ggivin rfo ont ahtnsk up. I yuo vloe. Eaornht ni setl' kool cabk iefv rgheeott !eaysr.
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Lyeniscr,e.
Eth frmo uoy fuertu.
2405[]//26.

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