A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

V'ei nseci scbaeue ti i orgwn tinkh baesrsgmna)i hcum swsho owh bit. .
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Atth ym a flutficid imtda bytdihar was i bit. Lrpey fertuu hte two i wtginri bad isth petrty ntmsho im' af,ret ttah saw tbu sngraliip ratwods ewek ikhgtnin. Iendgdar adn htapierossl,ni i acerunyttni gisunournrd odugiranta letf deattsr os and humc i mymitcnuo sdleudny. Dna nuedousdrr oelv ucaatl rhgcosmonits, dna by a ,atht eb aws my dgoo rhiyatbd tihw bsdesel tub am ilfamy ptdeesi iyj-o- to csuh ovles enfdisr riteh efidll em. & eerv nala,na ddi oaehmemd i anan trtepeits ti a hvea it aws the and ahnigv srbtrayrwe me,ma ;ecka ginht i yb aws aalyutlc up dne snee. Soehu i iudmms a at ioueicsdl rndeni hda. Racge ohw i eewr fro rof we tampitnro is tdxiese ti ot ftpimeerc no tub and woh cdtelfeer of 'tahst avhe yslemf vinroes and drae eevyr bcka yruo trlete em. .
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Isltl leef 'vie hcum im' eefl t,seohn in tneh i i'm since tbu 1,7 ot ekli 'otdn ym eb klie !seniettw stlil i i ahtt ahndegc okwn os do. Emos pkee ebne "eklcih"dli tocun iv'e my in to a it ilbnesgs li'l siyhwm of ttha efil os elab ttah. Llgeeoc ni ddi hyw( i oyu omnairgj obdut enn,nierggie ht)t??,a shitng eopmrtcu it all 'im and idd eamk onit fo ,eys. Btu den it nebe llsiino)i areetgst ew epceeerixn thna hatw is hhttogu of id' laos fiel ni the hte ayebm so nrteffdei nclerfisdo pxecetde nvere (i of up my 'its. I nda a vi'e as oiecdredsv ahd ryalel ,ishngt mcuh opersn am dna dsya dhra owh gonwr 'eiv sad os utb. Si a aery mrfo nagazmi yiterrvintas im' an adn nuojri ni my malls pu ednde ignhiisnf nodw eenv ruopg --ralcdwehhie ttha dna ptgepsin retsteiwbte i cnmoymitu rsadeiehpl leyfsm as own up ofdun. Inrfdse ive' nuofd efniog-ll. The ubaot )!; eth rof enev hvea elidn up na mreusm hpiisenrnt i lsailrhg-net. . . Heh. Tdon' i my ayn is sceeudlh esepl tbtree fi okwn. Tknih wno lwsaya btoau bad saw ti retpty i hatt ,ti. Ot i'ts fo yaelr itdienelyf rgetulsg eawk muhc erom up a.
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Iasgnkt oyu erda atlk taht aghnth bouat ot ustj ttlere oushld i sith orteh ervey eeeyekvr/w og sti' aigan ,aigsnkt keew i ahd dtasrte htiw enwh ubeaesc yufnn. Uryoe' trt-hi-ig si ierfegn. Lbdnlirorlgae my teuiq nt!o ogdo vi'e lcuyatla pu beivele hemsrfna eay,r ti cdkiep slao or i gtonte. D(y'ou nda txeecid oatbu tow eb tgriau na ubgtoh tt)ha rleicect i msremsu oga os. Thta ont my ttyrpe my hmuc btu as'gynilp rtaigu t,teber is atugir taels ta.
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Iltls rdiwang csreuo m'i of. I!mte tfisr i my hsti iotdeus uessg erarhd tadleb nnntocevoi i i tmei of dwar i,afhrtgt eexeeniprc tspa sotm my 'ist it and nfdi tub teh atr asw orf ta sodl ot isrtf gmazina ranyjua ot het. I ni i mtise enve abck aemd olsd hwat etn nad otu utp. Nlobw wsa yaaw dna hwo oryeevne srvetioppu cool yb i swa. Asw ldouw ecepni,xeer rkow otn if naie-ven-ag ti 011/0 fo a do bulalystoe. Pyalsdi klei wno emoc ylemsf was out rkow my on ertu mrade hreet niegse a dna gpuittn. .
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Eroerettvdx dies ponu cdrdseoviere mnicog to know ouy i i'll ahev my lgeolce. Mnay eeppol os tme ive' dbcilrenei. O,nge vhae ym nad are frdnsei sherot okwn mseo iewlh fro elfi ocem i. Aetk dna anlaan sam. Ygu ouhgtth incdofntsa lwdou ran a ntoi tnoi ym otw cssltoe no eht a vneer ingth owh and gmae trtsee tblmsedu gilr of i ceoemb i mrdnao a. In ;iitvreyntsar yncmotuim i em spahed tpillaiysru dsowr has ihst onyedb mohe ndouf onndtlaafoluiy nad. Drha gtouhhr ttusrh amyn ilspidshciep so ev'i nrdeela. Tou vei' eomc ensoaviocsrtn esdi hda hrad eth gretrnos dan roeth. Ve'i lnrdeea ym dan be enams nad wnod lwals htwa liflany ti desicrov kow"n nwokn tel ot ot. The edadllu to nego ltocelmype as i " le,iraer away riteuicsny nh'tsa. Tno ovcei lise resoht yssa iv'e vceeriep r,itsch or my ni ledziaer het ahtt dhea ubt me in owh tntiyeid my thaw ni. Thta arltgefu i s,o so and ma i ofr i am lv,deo knwo.
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Etlsa rpe of escin dna moirncta kesda t(a e,)rfa dan elecglo eenb nntcidie ifar on osal i'ev i ohuhrgt noe hscuerd sehra ym even nwosd uot pus and ogne reay,. Rasleve ,smeit at htta. Pt,eexecd 'sti hhgi you l'wevuod hcsloo eerv me ton niogsetmh. To rkwo micgon gleleoc ttah nweh acyitcsr uto htta itmends we wsrdtoa etrag tnd'di dha hyea, tpalriessnoih? ponu mmeeberr. Us aeelpd ew long t,tuyfnuaolner up g,oln dedne yrae ttah etim ofr shenigomt nrcgasri a tnoi sfhnamer. Os adn resetesm tasful sith t'nidd otl het a i asedhma was ym nad rhut edn fo atsrt i for ituln no onlg, cnugkanpi. Ei'v inhtk fnleal tbu thta i ciewt insce. Teh lasml i fargulte idd uitstnaoi utb orf one os bronveme of lsat to that nnfesciosg adn (my elpepo c)talauly 'mi bhto ywa we up saw den rugpo jderte,ec aednldh lleagcruyf e,-reoadlc oesht. Tlo ee'rw no,w rohtes dna utgtsnri wtih autbo my dna bnlrtluyeiaiv me it even huatgt gefnslei a oelcsr. .
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Tbu im' kntliga ni snlseginse uyg trihg nwo rlfeaugt fo ensosa i to lnrercuty i,t a for am lsitl nad a. I say ihm i lkie wudlo. Hsa ti wongr ,hytrasud i 'erew not atfc n-hub-tet ill't fi be rinehwan--ye og bene egtnmei adn fgvn-iielig niussirprylg oldcu npevor uers no. Than ot rerneusrd a,pnl evi' adn ot neim 'gdso owh nitrguts ish rbeett eben atth rae yaws rnglanei. Guy rucetnr hsti adgerrssle aleurgft rof thwa fo 'mi psn,eaph. In i 'wlle hwit ese psesoup mhont so a hpapens ahtw taht ro.
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Fimayl iwth. . . Pelacoicmtd 'tsi. It akbc ne,eb fi sah nhet ti uyo wlsyaa relezai nidt'd vene. Em who i otady ot lot gmoicn enve gleceol fo a hvea dsheap dcoerf pukcna eaelrt laytntufnreou to tath rothes ellitt to rstuh. Si,sseu eggtusrls ylbntvurieila htnetamcat fo ithw het a olt. . . . Woh we they saeird romf rewe setm od. Semrt uro htiw lftfcdiui dan ot emoc eebn in nnsoekbsre teh liyafm to ist'. Ihts harret oen be -lieezsriosanga-n i rtecrun fo emho udolw eht itbegsg arhneyew htta bene 'tshat of but tgelsrusg. Thr,u dog dna are,f rfo het nvee woysll sreeid hgliena is ,hnte otcrlno. 'isrstes revo akyo tle sielv antw s'it i heav ym ot het to fo vie' arelezdi go rgpi. To eahv tnod' i rtidh eb teh etpanr. Fiath adn ym trihe ntdrooahep prsetna rowggni lcaultya ni ear. Enve nad ym eht syear sisters sebesld utsrt enaesngyaget/t hiwt me to ctaf siltl in yh'eetr nwo heitr im' trylu hnoeug fo hatt etxt uhothg nrqultfey,e eorcsu me. Tetler ehnw lilw gae bialslae eb het shit onso were oyu w(w,o uoy reotw. H'tast yarzc. ).
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I kgniatl to sllit il ctaf, fnu am. Nveer ugess i i ahtt ikcdke abith. Ni me reethy' cckeh lislt iegkepn.
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I'm rrtpeo tnah si aypph afhit tath my eerv to engrtors. Hfiat iedosvrc ahtw my it ot i now teman hda ym ot ellyra ekam. Fi dtdn'i chmu vene dnanedtrsu e,tnh dgo leezadir bkac a i oinisrthalep eantm who twah htiw need i i hmi. Niognth i meor dna itgsnre ypilms anereld giegiln-fiv nhta ttah ni imtfconrgo his h'etsre nsecepre. Gnornim iv'e dcseiiplnsi revey omse the aiprusilt cbka rdeiagn lbebi adttres elik pu,. Oorgachnllyo,cli laemsu dan tuohrgh ader hwloe the im' ta hte godo sphigan ggnruindo ebne i nwo! ym sith nd2 bnee i'ts he's whiel iealezr ot how all yerinlidcb ieblb dideecd ot file orf. Olsko ihm i hte momenst thaw hte usttr i ti in orf ot owkn lses buescea liek feurtu yerevayd arhbro inxyeat. T,neh uyo kacb as thafi akhnt teh uyo spste evne ielttl ktoo of laslm orf a -alre-yo5d1. Evi' i fo rfa who rpudo dyou' emco kihnt be.
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Tlef podur tusj i os yuo hewedmrlevo sya abck i fo teh,n uoy that nad taewdn to im' wonk. It it uetdhgg nhew tuo; yuo pkte gingo saw uoy ahdr. Adn het rcsya owdrl ruse ot su demese m'i gib. Oesd, tsill it tmssiomee. Okol i morf teerh nivoctncoi ewrhe ot atth 'im btu dna go so cakb i lifdel si htwi arf lstli ta mcae. An teaunevrd i enridbceil ot d'osg ,godo treprna si adn apln gte ni. Eb dfetnrfei orf uy'do sloko ltielt now owh em zmedaa lefi ,em ta. Umhc os peipahr mi' ,os utb. .
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Tegngit itsh pnoti anhskt orf to em. Up khnsta not nivggi rfo. I veol yuo. As!yre cakb neahotr ivfe okol slet' thoeegtr in.
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Ee,yrlcins.
Yuo utfeur fomr teh.
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