A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Secni hsosw wnorg amissrganeb) tiknh ie'v ti cmhu i secabeu woh tib. .
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Iaydbhrt ufdltfiic miatd swa i a hatt tbi ym. Eewk ahtt asw osmtnh teh sith ufteru anirlspgi btu yrepl tdrsowa owt i etrypt trwnigi gnniihkt 'mi abd ,trfae. Nda mchu iouctmmyn i daeidgrn i felt etdtrsa uronnriusdg nituaerynct ionarshits,ple so dan tagainduro uydldens. Ldleif ot em dna utb ,thta amifly be odgo a abhdityr htiw lbeseds dudnoruers iepdets hcsu love acltau saw -ojyi- hetri my niedsrf nad ma omcontssigh,r lvsoe yb. Reev retpttsei avghni saw culyaalt hdeeomma eens i ebrtaysrwr idd dan ti & ginht ,mmae i a eht naan yb ehva ti caek; up den aal,nna wsa. Isulocdei a i eshuo inrnde had at sidumm. Ehav disxtee who 'tahst ti eerw nda eacrg nda oyur efyslm lttere but eprftemci fo read em ofr owh for is ecdtelref on rnovesi to vreey i pormaittn akbc ew. .
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Efel i stlil ngcheda os 71, utb kwon ekil nh,etso to iscne dot'n slilt hatt 'im i efle do my liek mchu eb ni vi'e im' i neth stniw!eet. Ncotu ti shwimy l"iecli"khd ym e'vi gnbsseli ebla of a osem l'li thta hatt eenb lfie os to ni epek. Hw(y lceloge otin i did did lla engeii,nengr mrecptou ti gnstih ta??h),t ubtdo uyo dan aekm ni es,y fo ajmirong i'm. Of ew eth nde )ioislnil efli ni os utb het ndlrsefico pu tseetagr soal my bene i'ts fo cixerneepe bymea ti tnah (i 'di is eevrn tedxcpee awht fdirfeetn ghttouh. Adn am as cuhm nad so ecdirodevs darh g,htsni ysda iev' i hwo 'vie wrnog hda a sda rpnose layelr but. Fomr tpgeinps opgru ddeen l-dchireweah- aeyr tewsbieetrt utmiymcno na even azingma malls ownd dna in 'im roujin si dan ingsifnih i apsdlirehe own as vatnytrieirs that yslmfe ym pu pu fonud a. Fnduo flniog-le indersf v'ie. Up gasn-tlilrhe !); istnhrinep rfo teh na teh neve heav elind i uabot uemsmr. . . Heh. Fi lesep on'dt my yan eertbt nwok i ehdlucse si. It utabo trtype won i atht ti, aws htikn ayawsl adb. Hcmu to a eakw of moer alyre i'st uegtrgsl ydieeilnft up.
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Otehr tghnha when ihst asi,kntg jtsu nfnuy you keeeye/vwr wthi tkla etrtel i og uhdols s'ti buota adh to atth sdttrea inastgk igana usbeeca i kwee aedr yvere. Is gth-rt-ii oyu'er gfierne. Good or v'ei pu gnttoe rnhamesf iaegorlblnldr slao my ikpcde ar,ey iuqte taycuall i ti viebele t!on. Goa adn owt be na at)ht os i tecceirl outab y(du'o ssemumr igtura decxtie buoght. Atles is but nagi'pysl reptyt airtug ttha my tigaur ym cmuh ont at ,rtebet.
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Orcseu of ltils angdiwr mi'. To for psta i ym saw dsol mtei i and to suetodi cpxneireee me!ti atlbed fo atr btu dhrear eth it ritsf eht uyjrnaa tis' dnif tmos awdr my ovcnntieon ta itsh nziamga ,faittghr sguse risft i. Ptu adn i made uto sdlo i in kcba thaw vene mties etn. Erneoyve yb saw woh pvrsoeutpi ownlb yawa i saw looc dan. A ti duowl nto /1010 ea-gvaeni-n saw fo fi do e,neexrcepi ealsouytbl kwor. Heert aws no spyldia gneies leki out nad wno rute ym gttunip emoc rkow rmade a melsyf. .
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Gcimno ot onpu i wkon vdrceoeisder esdi ym eteevtdoxrr ouy eavh lcelgoe il'l. Cnedibriel os 'eiv tem ppeleo amyn. Trseho ehwli i dsriefn ecom mseo fro nda owkn my rae eilf ehav ong,e. Msa nda ktae aalann. Bceoem fo on lrgi eht i uyg a tow neevr esrtte onit adn gitnh anr mgae duwol a a i bdesmltu asfnnotdic ym tnoi hwo gtouthh dmoran etssocl. And sha ohem em udonf i ni rdows yipasrltuli dnobey tihs ehpsad atllfnandoiouy teyitrr;ivasn uoiynmcmt. Os 'iev hrad ihelsdpiscpi trsthu derelna yman ghurhto. Had etohr ides dhar nesgrtro ive' teh ctisnnosorave oecm nda otu. N"okw narlede nnkow to enmsa to nad etl dna it thwa i'ev ym odrsiecv odwn eb llswa ayilnlf. Euldald gneo elria,re hte nhats' ywaa " sa ot eplycmelto i uiscyeinrt. Me my in who atwh ohetsr hatt r,ticsh reiepcve ont ni sysa ro the btu oevic erzdlaei ni neiyitdt my 'iev ehad elis. Hatt le,vod for os ,so ma and lgaetruf i i am i wkon.
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Eshdruc psu dna soal ie'v ae,yr neve ekdsa acointrm uot my donsw adn per fo oen adn no raif oleegcl engo )af,re eatsl bene cniniedt icens t(a i srhea hoghurt. ,imets ttah evlarse at. Olsoch rvee ulvdweo' is't uoy e,decpxet ghih em ton shmoetngi. Nupo rtciscya hatt htat out eebmrrme ot owkr tearg towsrad icmnog dha miendst yeah, we wenh ihsp?elatonirs lceeolg ni'ddt. Erya itomgnesh a dndee atht aleepd we rfo up yrfl,ntanetuuo ehsmanfr gnol sricarng mtie otin su nolg,. Uhrt fo no alsftu ,nogl adhmsae i d'dnit i a thsi eht iunkncpag tol ratts mesreste niltu dan os den rof and saw ym. I eincs htnki ev'i ewitc fealnl htat ubt. Pu prguo thta lsta noeebmvr amsll dahdlne fo nda tbu wya ceee,jdrt saw opeelp my( frcaeuyllg the etgaulfr i den lyluaac)t ohset ddi eon fro hobt os rcae,dleo- to nisfcgeosn aotinuits we m'i. Tol e'ewr oautb erstho itwh ,wno dan glseifen naytilbivreul a nad my utstnirg eoclrs me it tuatgh neev. .
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Am and t,i of tub m'i nlesisgesn ni ilgatkn nwo rfo i ilslt rhigt a fuagtelr ot a gyu ssenao nlruetycr. Imh i asy uwlod i ekil. Tmegine ebne riahnn-eywe- otn l'til og gniplsuisryr ahs acft ifieig-vgnl be no i eerw' norvpe cdulo resu ti gworn fi -tetb-nhu rdsy,tuha nda. E'vi athn dernruesr hsi wasy sgd'o sgtunirt ot nemi rae neeb anpl, linrenga ot ettrbe who nad ahtt. Whta sith epnspa,h fro fo im' nurrcet ltguerfa ygu ldregrsesa. Ppsnaeh elwl' a iwht ese so i ni or atwh otmhn taht psopsue.
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Miyalf htiw. . . Ccpotalemid sti'. Vnee it sah it fi ouy lwsaay abck bene, hnte ierlaze nddti'. Ot thurs fo vhae tlleti ot crdeof veen hwo ertela ttah em steorh ydaot knpuca nocmgi aehdps a tnynteufalruo ot lot i egcelol. A su,iess wtih of atcamtenht iniyevlrutbal erggtslsu teh tol. . . . Fmor do ohw we wree emts deasir eyht. Bnkrensseo mceo i'st nad ni teh to tlfucfiid ylafim bene mrtes rou ot whit. H'atst ahtrre hsti i neo risls-gnianzoee-a bnee eewnrayh lwudo the uestsgrgl omeh ubt gstibge of htat rcneutr eb of. Loywls torolcn ,eafr si nad fro deiser eht t,uhr he,nt god evne aneghil. To let fo aoky ssri'tes my ot go iv'e ts'i over leisv teh eadzeirl awnt i prgi veha. Eht ot trhdi eb pntear i dnt'o vaeh. Ym oortpnadeh hfait igngorw tiher tyaullca rea in spterna dna. Vene eht catf rssteis im' hgouht ytulr in litsl er'yhet yersa uenhgo urcoes ttxe wthi /egasgtyeaetnn ot and r,yneqlufet of em me ym turst edsselb iethr now ahtt. Be yuo wehn lliabeas oosn lwli eag teh isht rewe yuo (w,ow rettel etorw. Aryzc sttah'. ).
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A,ftc listl i li ot am tkiagnl unf. Thaib uessg evnre i i dkciek htat. Em hy'rtee ikegenp llsit hkecc in.
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Htat erve ot payhp my htna rnorgste si hfati i'm ptrore. Rdoesvic ym own ot llryea ym ot ekma ti dah tname whta htiaf i. Rtsoiaelpnhi dleriaez ende kcba iwht tnd'id gdo i if ohw wtha a tn,he even undtdaesrn cmhu i imh i ntmae. Honingt htta genrsit ahtn ni i dreaeln espcrnee r'these ish venfi-liggi irftngomco more adn psiyml. Gadnier moes dtasetr acbk vyere blieb teh upirslati iidispnelsc orginmn lkei u,p e'iv. I hgpnais rof nad 'im gdoo dreyiibnlc lbeib 'she lwhoe eneb rnoggnidu ilef hliwe tsih to ot at woh eiearlz st'i eenb het alhocilgnocrl,yo d2n aeusml erda w!no my lla dcdeied ohhgurt teh. Dyevaeyr toensmm i ot fro yxaitne oarhrb the i cabeesu lokso slse in elki ihm srutt it nwko hwat ruefut eth. Tnkha eht enev ed51-olray- espts tkoo llams a ellitt en,th oyu rof as you ifaht kacb fo. Far v'ei eb i owh udpor of you'd come ikhtn.
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Elwermeohvd then, abck tath i tednaw so sya yuo to jstu yuo i of adn nokw ftle pudro im'. Yuo thggude nhew ouy tepk arhd it giong ti saw otu;. Rcsya dna the m'i odwlr rsue us demese igb ot. ,eosd ti osmsmitee sitll. Bcak omrf i olko go i raf htere ehrew ctnoiocinv and feildl im' si ta ot htta os caem btu thwi litls. Dan to anteprr i napl g'sod odo,g si na gte ni niriebdecl daretevun. Yod'u olkos how own eb dferteinf ,me ielltt em maazde life orf ta. Chum m'i tbu so ,so arhppei. .
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Em tnegtgi pntio to ksntah ihst rof. Ton up rof thansk ignvgi. Yuo i vole. Raehotn sy!era oklo ni ts'el ogetethr kbac fvei.
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I,cseyerln.
You rmfo eth futeru.
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