A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Si)sergmanab hmcu usbceae ohw ncise khnti wohss it i tbi gnrwo vi'e. .
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Amtdi icduflitf i tib htta swa a ybhdtira ym. Tub teh weke peyrl i'm i wgrtiin was tefr,a pretty dba efutur taorwds tmhsno isht ahtt wto ipargsnli ghkntiin. Dan utangairod sitrahelsno,ip i edgradin nrunayectit onduinrursg nad i elft os ymnotcuim seadttr hucm yusdledn. Me yo--ij a epidest scuh by ovel dlefli was ht,ta uordedusrn to trieh vsleo be dna sbelesd oogd dayitbhr am rgo,simhnostc ym drseinf uaalct ubt maiyfl itwh nda. Ghtni tulaalcy ti titpetesr a anan yb & nees swa reev it i heemamod pu e;kca swa ea,mm trsywrrabe i hingav nna,aal teh veha dan ddi nde. Ocieusild a dinren dah imudms i at shueo. Tetrel who onrvise nad yvree ot ti rcfeteled bkac utb orf desiext pimrfecte ehav aerd eflysm uryo si we woh em rof no ptintmroa rewe nda fo aercg i 'satth. .
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Im' ltisl ,snhote cnegadh encis leef i ethn ot like od efle umhc ym tbu dnto' tieewt!ns ,71 'vei hatt im' i listl in oknw eb os i ikel. Nielbgss my to 'lil ni thta htat albe cotun peek a eci"dlklh"i v'ie life osme ti so nbee symihw of. Mijogran mkea mi' yw(h oint ddi tdbou of lgecelo ni dna lal ti mrpouect i ?t,?ta)h idd eeigni,engnr uyo ,esy thisng. Fo twha ym resetagt si btu ti iniilols) nbee ew end fo pu embay toutghh cosrnliefd teh i( rneexiecpe ifeferdtn oals evner hnat flie in so t'si dcpeteex eht 'id. Sa asyd yrleal i nad stn,gih das and am 'iev 'eiv cuhm nwogr doscieevdr but a os dha prsoen owh darh. Ilsapehdre in up yaer oirnuj my i'm hiifngisn now found almls gnpteips pu i even dende ttah wdno is esmyfl fmor ravrisyneitt manaizg a adn sa and teestetrwbi cdeehh-lrawi- oupgr an tmcnoyumi. Vi'e fiernsd udnfo fong-elil. Hvea rtnnieihps i hstg-lelirna vnee fro eldin eht up aoubt emrmus the ;!) na. . . Ehh. Ot'nd splee dleeusch betetr yna if is my onwk i. Now ktnih it, saw it dba awsayl pyrtte i ubtoa ahtt. Ot waek cuhm up dfyeetiiln egrgtsul a aeyrl mreo fo t'si.
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/verewyeke juts ewhn eohtr hda uyo atobu ihst edra ot ewek instkag ervye i solduh kitg,nas that t'is i aebsuce ettrle fnynu og gntahh takl atserdt iwth gania. -hitrt-gi is efgnier er'you. Ti o!tn saol oogd eelivbe tiqeu nlgaebrroidll keicpd vi'e lcyaatul i pu or my y,rae rmenfhas otgetn. O(d'yu meusmsr i dan xicdete ago an aotbu eilcertc guhtob so two eb a)tht uatigr. Utb atth irtuag gritau my eatls ta tno rytept si mhcu pa'inysgl bere,tt ym.
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Dngarwi 'im cseuor of istll. Sirtf ym hte stom i wsa het imet art of ldaetb suegs ym rof ist' i!tme maagzni olsd drhear i to apts t,higtfra ta to jauaynr isftr arwd nda but isth i nicnotvneo eeixeeprnc oetudis ti dfin. Neev bakc and i amed ni nte lods tuo put thaw i mites. Etvprsuopi oeevyern saw ywaa by cool i nlwob who adn wsa. Esbtyloalu of wrko ti was if ouldw otn a ieeaav-n-gn od i,nxpeeecer 0011/. Meoc nda own kowr eterh out my senige gttinup yfemls etru kile no ypailsd asw a rdmae. .
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Gnmcio oeedrretxtv svierercodde ides to i heva kwno ouy puon 'ill lgeeloc ym. I've tem eepplo iebrecdnli so naym. Goen, rae eosm etosrh my dna ehav ocem flei oknw for i hweli sinedfr. Keat and alnnaa sam. Ohw omdanr gtinh andicnftos eeocbm and tow sertte teh no rgil i arn lduow evnre i a a uhhtgot ugy geam ym otni itno sdembltu of scoestl a. And oeydbn me hsti tudlafioalyonn owsrd teirari;vnsty sytlaiiuplr psdahe cotummnyi hmeo ni i dnofu hsa. Tgrhhou mnay so evi' erdneal hard plipsishcdie husttr. Dha the tou ocrnnaesvoits genorsrt eomc drah toreh vie' dan esid. Filanyl mnsae my nda to vsrdieco ti eaedrln ndow eb ot nok"w htaw let aslwl adn onnkw v'ei. " to scrnuiteyi as egno lymlcotepe teh a'nhts yawa laeddlu lia,rere i. Tdinteyi eht cr,isht iels tno ssay em atth tub in who my vieoc vceeirpe i've lreediza ni esrhot or awth in ym dahe. Oeld,v onkw nad am i orf i ,os am so i getlrfau tath.
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Rtiocamn pre odsnw aresh eben afri t(a lcegole v'ie ym spu eevn adsek engo )erf,a no i eon ncies seatl out nad saol fo ar,ye adn inintdce nad rdscuhe hguhrot. Atth emtsi, leeravs at. Euvo'wdl cohslo hgih ete,pdecx hmigensto em si't eevr nto yuo. To dint'd cmonig rmeberme rlhsnatipo?esi ew hatt tensimd had aegrt uot nhew radtwso uopn eyh,a wokr rtisycac coglele tath. A eogishmtn logn us up we fro anemshfr tiem year ng,ol cainrgrs toni ledepa eendd uyuernn,otfalt tath. Npikugcna no was ngl,o a tunli end seahmad i so ym fro i eemrstes dan eth adn tsatr ruth fo asftul t'idnd tol itsh. Itcwe atht eafnll ie'v btu i tkhni isnce. Auc)lytla ougrp i idd eldahnd of m(y mi' eht scisfnoeng end cejdte,er htose tbu and neo satl btho fro lgyuaelrfc we etarflug ahtt wya -arle,coed up rbemvneo aws malls lpoepe so auottsnii ot. Dna and evne leocsr em neisgefl ti a utrisgtn buato 'erwe gtuath eorhts ym n,wo euillyvrtinab hitw lto. .
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Dna own trgih yug fro seasno m'i of egnnsiless isllt gatnilk in uctrenlyr i ma ftglauer ,it a but a ot. I mih lwuod ysa eikl i. Ton og u-tnet-bh nda uesr bnee ducol erwe' cfta egnfviligi- unpgryssirli genmeit no vonpre -ynwranieh-e sah wgonr i if eb lti'l it sadu,tyrh. Eenb and ot nemi his gs'do that ieanlgrn 'evi ot ohw aer tanh yasw ,lpna gtnsitur rtbete ednurersr. Errelasdsg for this uyg of tawh penpa,hs errctun i'm tufaeglr. Ro so in i posueps htnmo iwth hsappen l'wle tawh ese atth a.
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Thwi milfya. . . Sti' dlocepcmita. Evne bkca if ti sha i'dtdn swayla ben,e oyu tneh it irezlae. Oingcm me eshtor i oedfrc teltli thta hsutr esdahp gloecel ateler eotulrtanfynu owh pnaukc a vnee to fo lot to toyda haev ot. Iialeylbntruv the isu,sse tlressugg ttanhctaem a htiw tol fo. . . . Weer do how saerdi htey morf esmt ew. Fudltcifi in hte adn whit eomc to neksresnob eneb to restm t'si rou iyflam. Of tbu isziarel-negos-na bnee dulow fo ttah i gtlegrssu etrucnr be eth ashtt' tish oen emho erthra nyrhaeew ggsibte. Lsolyw ogd rfo rlotcon htne, hte iesred si agenilh dna a,fer urth, enev. Evha oevr my i eth istrsse' rgpi kayo ot go eilsv of ot erleidaz si't 'eiv tel nwat. Teh arpetn to heav hdrti nt'do eb i. Lcatulya ihter are dheoprntoa rogiwng ni dan tfahi ym aptsner. That rcouse em srsiste tat/nsyeggeean hte and sarye neev lutry esdbels egonuh rethi nwo hwit fo eyrhte' em ni sutrt ym im' illst ot nrle,yftueq fatc text tuhohg. You osno saalielb you shit when o,(ww eth lreett ilwl age erew eb eotrw. Tat'sh cryza. ).
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Tiakgnl fun actf, lslit am to li i. I bitha i envre atth icdekk uessg. Em ecchk in einekpg te'ryeh lsitl.
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Im' apyph teorrp anht thfai engtrsor ot my erev is tath. Nemat to what to ym ifaht lraeyl hda won ti mkae i cvodiesr ym. Fi wiht cbak i izedrael i t,enh enev a uchm hatw dene odg mhi unteddnsar maent i'ddnt i how stoinarpeihl. Esrecenp eomr his in msypli ritsgne linvieg-gfi naht morgnfitoc htgnino resteh' ahtt i nedaelr dna. Smoe vyeer alrtiispu grndiea p,u nniormg het dceiisnslpi abkc tdsrate ilbbe 'vie ilek. I ot dn2 onw! dan luesma drae ohw rof owhle eebn dedidec it's lal ta my ohgnlcoyi,arolcl ilbeb dnirgguon i'm zaerlie godo enbe hits hte het ilyrdinbce to aipngsh lewhi feil she' horgthu. Fro eatnixy kwon i het euurft sels surtt i het rrhaob oslok nomsetm ekli ti in him rydaeyev euascbe htwa ot. Fro bkca a kahnt taihf sa of teh sllam you eenv ettlil ,enth tsspe ouy okto -yeoa-l1dr5. Of raf pduro hitnk du'yo be i mcoe ohw e'iv.
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Abck dan ot ewtnad yuo i ujst of im' you i eflt devewrohlem so enth, yas puodr tath oknw. Arhd enhw onggi ou;t ptek uyo ouy ti ti dugtgeh asw. Crays to wordl eesdem i'm gbi su the urse nad. It lslit smtioseem eds,o. Og i tbu okol 'mi nad stlli flelid is ot cema ehert that at fra wheer so omfr tnnvcooici ithw bcka i. Is an ,gdoo adn ni to nearptr dos'g i bleidernci plna vanereudt teg. Kolos onw 'yduo owh orf dzmaae feil etllit ,em be me at fdnreefti. S,o ubt eaipprh so chmu 'im. .
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Nhatks ofr me htis ponit ot ttengig. Not pu rof ivgign hatkns. I ouy vloe. Ste'l toeranh in akcb olok egrhoett evif !earsy.
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Ecneyi,lrs.
Omfr urefut uoy hte.
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