A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

It encsi i hinkt msreia)sbgan cbeseua owh itb e'iv hsosw ognwr cumh. .
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Ym bit i dtiam ttha was a tibahyrd fiitlufdc. Mi' atth ngpisairl tbu tuufer ostadrw gintrwi kgthinin yteprt isht dab two i wsa keew pryel e,tafr eht hsotnm. Uaitgarond ftle dan rseaisnpolih,t dasrett umch riousdurgnn edigadnr dan ynlsudde i ytcenirtaun i myuicnotm so. My tth,a eedpsit ersinfd adn ihcos,nrmsgot htiw bseelds ithbyard oogd yb yfmlai irteh vseol -jiy-o shuc am uurddsneor dan elov a to ldefli eb me saw lacuta ubt. Eth cayullat mamdeeoh idd i ever nda mam,e & nana a htgni swa up swa wratbrrsye ttrpeeist i nees by vnhagi end naaaln, it hvea it cka;e. I summid euosh uocsilide indenr at dah a. Ew rfo btu oyru bkca ti oneirvs edra how dan ot lreett no si rceag eerw rnatotpim rof i mfsley cfteempir ietesxd of em who elrtdecef eevyr ttsha' dan eavh. .
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Flee i'm do i atht keil cumh tlsli e,htosn efel siltl in wentiste! iev' ehnt my cneis eb nkow i like so tub im' dot'n i to adhngce 7,1. Hlkli"ic"ed 'lli ym os mose in ttah a iefl hatt it ive' nebe nslbgies aleb of pkee notcu to hmwsyi. Ddi ti of akme i urompcte noit in onaijgrm budto cogleel nda i'm ey,s idd all nhgsti you ?t),ta?h n,rieneggnei (hwy. Htuhgto i'd ym ti utb of sni)lioli pu thna so fo fitdeefnr iefl het dne revne losa in scoiefrdln sti' pncieeexer we rsetgate hte tpeecdex hwat si ybame enbe i(. ,hgitsn sa dvsicdreoe dha eiv' snoper yasd so hdar i vi'e dna lyrale nad a uchm ma how asd btu rnwgo. Up i nad needd veen eary rfmo unijro as e-erliwcah-hd pu mi' noduf zmaangi trtisyirenav brewsttiete tgiepsnp lseymf ym a upgor utncoimym deshpliaer nad nwdo an now isfhinign si atht lmsla in. Ve'i fnesrdi dufon ine-fgoll. Na ofr ilned eahv aobtu murmse veen the hte e-algsilrnth up i );! insitrehnp. . . Heh. Nod't fi si i nay slhdeceu tetebr my eelps wkno. Alayws aws tath i uatbo adb ,ti it wno nkhit rpttey. Fo ekaw cmhu nfeydiietl pu lrsgguet s'ti rome to a reyla.
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Aklt ewke ginakst ehwn og atth ahd vyeer anagi 'sit i gtanhh i ouy thsi hlosud ebcaesu rehot tubao jstu yeerv/kwee nyunf raetstd aerd ,sigtkna lerett ot whti. Eigrenf t-i-ghrit ueo'yr si. Narfmehs ogdo aery, ve'i ckpdie it pu not! lrrdonagbllei tteong ebileev or laso tquie i ctalyula my. Ahtt) os i (ydou' ubtao an wto be cixdeet aog umsmers uohtgb leetcirc rtaigu nad. Ubt gitura ym trtype itargu my lseta t,eebtr tno ahtt ialspn'gy hmuc si ta.
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Ilstl fo niwrgad eosurc mi'. Vnecointon itght,fra fo eht ym ta amgniza smot it rxneepciee ym i hte btu tar ssueg temi ptas ritsf nda rdrhea rof hist tfisr uoedsit to bdteal i !tmie ynujaar to wadr i dlos saw dfni i'ts. Ptu and in maed awth vnee ent uot i i bakc dols tsime. And aawy by puisoetrpv yeereonv lnwbo i oolc asw hwo aws. Euoltlsyab vg-n-niaeea 0101/ ti fo if cnrpe,xieee was wkro lwdou ton a do. Oemc no eutr gesien ym kiel dna swa eamrd wno a pgtntiu tehre dlsaiyp korw ylmsef tou. .
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Rrdtvxeoete noup ieds aehv ceolelg ovierreseddc niomcg my ot i owkn ouy li'l. So v'ie tem dinibrelec ynam eoeppl. Ofr ym tseroh rae eiwhl omse snirefd i veah nad nokw emoc ogen, ielf. Adn nalaan mas akte. Fo a bcomee who iotn i hte nad dlowu ygu gril i wot my nar a nntifacsdo nhtgi a vnere egma essctlo sedtlumb rdoanm tsrtee otni ughotth on. Ahs ytirspllaiu ynmtumoci ;vteirtsanriy unfod hsti me i adn yadiaoftonlnul omhe hsadep odrws in beonyd. Hutgrho thtsur darh iilseisdpphc so nmay vie' rldenea. Nda hrad eohrt iontevscraosn v'ei gorentsr dsie hte omce uot adh. Raneled doseirvc ot tel walsl it adn nnwok be i'ev owdn nfyilal enmsa my ot tahw dna onkw". Eong to tyriesnuci eaerlri, 'anths i aawy adeudll " het sa tcolelyepm. Epceevri atth rsehot thwa ym says seli drzaliee ttieiynd ni otn deah woh or vcioe utb v'ei in hte me ni trih,sc my. Lvod,e and i i eftgualr fro htat ma so i okwn am ,os.
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(at seatl nad otu and my fo uhrogth iscne erhas arf,e) imoantrc i ups nad eneb eecllgo cusrhed sadek ry,ae tidinnec asol rep oen iv'e oneg neve on odwsn fria. Hatt eravesl ta etmi,s. Clohos uyo veer pdceetx,e 'tsi hgih ton duweov'l me tiomeghns. Nwhe y,hae oellceg ?iephiasnlsotr n'didt out itsacyrc merember adh tearg wkro we noup to dratwso nistemd mcnoig ttha ttha. ,ultnfaneurtoy a ietm yare msfanreh ,nlog noti tath ew rcirsnga up nlgo rof aeldpe msioteghn eddne us. Ntilu i nad glno, fasult tlo ihts i eht hutr of on dne t'dind aws aedhsam resemest adn orf my tsrat gpcknainu so a. I nlaefl atth niesc utb nhkit evi' eictw. Hte to fro eeoplp we gropu ncefsngios i that pu iaitstuno fo nda tasl asw hotb so loee,-radc btu nadhdel eon gfutarel beomrenv sllam fycluergal otseh m'i yaw ym( ycalualt) idd ned ecd,erejt. Atught eenv 'erwe whti oetsrh ugtsirnt my a biieynalurltv uotab me dna ,nwo it rlscoe isenlgef tol adn. .
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Tlgnika i fro ithrg but ucntyrerl a mi' gyu it, nda rftgelau nlgisenses fo a ot nwo in naeoss lsilt am. Dwuol him i leik say i. Nbee irpusyrlisng doucl nda 'rewe og ont has onrvpe on ti i cfta iinglfive-g eb -tnt-ebhu tay,sdruh nemetig whni-ynee-ra rseu if li'tl wngor. Ot ttrbee asyw ebne ot era hnat owh htta gaernlni adn n,alp ureedsrnr ihs igrsuntt i'ev gs'od mnei. Ugy stih fo arsdeerslg uargtlfe pahnep,s enutrrc ofr tahw m'i. Os i or in a paehsnp htwi ese uosepsp 'lwle onmht htta tahw.
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Ifmlay htiw. . . 'tis icmoetcapld. Vnee has ,nebe 'nidtd uyo sylwaa it bakc ti eilzear etnh fi. Evha tohsre uakncp to teutyaroulnnf a ot aydto vnee to em tursh i owh fo atth olceleg daepsh iocgmn tol letrea teitll erdfco. Natchattme yrtlnlaiuiebv ,sessui a uteslrsgg olt fo wthi het. . . . Ew hwo smet eyth fmro idrsae erwe do. Ucitifdlf ot to its' eenb enrnkosbse mcoe rstme nda in iyalfm teh thiw our. Bene aehnewyr of thts'a wdoul atht hemo oen aerhtr het tbu of tshi segltursg -snersgilznieaoa- tiebsgg be i rneuctr. Hrtu, teh reaf, vnee ogd eht,n crlnoot ganhlei is rof loswly nad sdiere. Ssie'tsr erelizda go i pgri v'ie to ts'i natw eht of evils yako to ym heav etl orev. To hridt 'odtn antepr eth eb i ahve. Fthia yualtlac ateprns gnigwro ni ear dna teihr my rnphoeoadt. Whti reissts isllt me to hreti nvee nwo enhgou ereqy,nltfu txet of geyangate/estn ryase in rceous ahtt deselsb my afct het trsut me im' and e'tyehr hhotug rtyul. Ileaaslb ehnw oosn ouy o,(ww stih teh otrew be yuo ega eerw rtteel lliw. Ahts't azrcy. ).
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Atf,c unf ma ngtlaki il to i ltsli. Ckdike bhtia ugess i i atth erenv. Ekpigne heckc in em ereyt'h ltils.
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Is sretrgno rtepor ym ot ahnt 'mi eevr yahpp atth haift. Oesivdcr layerl hatw ym wno ti nemta ym to i tfhai dah ot akem. Rutanedsnd eaedzlir hwat i ohw ogd him chmu tdi'dn a i enmat rtsiaeplhion neev i e,htn whti abck fi eend. Ni alrdnee thna hatt dna i reh'est fgeil-nvgii itfnorcmgo nntghoi slmpiy inrtsge seencepr oerm ish. Up, emso patiirslu hte iredgan abkc reyve libeb keil idlcnpiises grnmion i'ev dtsatre. Gidrnugon eth eliwh hsti lwohe n2d sahipng 'im neeb nda elbbi eaumls gao,lollnycrochi to eadr i who oodg my eh's won! leyicibndr to ddeiced flie ta is't rof ezleair eth nebe all htrhugo. I het ot elss braorh uttsr i semonmt tahw ihm onkw xyaient uurfte hte in drayyvee klie looks ofr eaucbes it. Sa eptss llams uyo het cabk vnee edlo-ay-1r5 ofr ,ehtn ouy hktan tlelit otko of a taifh. I drupo d'uoy of afr think vie' omec eb how.
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Uyo i ,neht os sya vermelwedho of atth okwn ot i odpur tewdan ouy felt adn tsju cakb m'i. Tehdugg ouy iogng kept hnew yuo it ahdr to;u ti swa. Casyr big i'm msdeee to wrdlo us teh nda rseu. Sitll it oe,ds mtsismeeo. Ieldlf erhew i ackb kool orfm os eacm is og i m'i teher covniicnto utb rfa at adn to ttha lislt hiwt. I o,gdo nalp ibericdlne is an dan tge eneratuvd sgd'o in ot treanrp. Who oskol ta m,e efidetnfr rof iefl eb 'uody em zaemda wno lietlt. Ephaipr s,o uchm tub 'im so. .
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Ioptn ihst naksht for me ot igtegnt. Fro pu hknats gginvi ont. Vleo uoy i. Thoetegr ni yr!ase kloo ls'te akbc eifv teonrha.
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Elsyen,cir.
Rtuufe romf eth uoy.
420/[6/]25.

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