A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Bit ceins ithkn ti aismnregba)s cbsuaee i hcmu swsho grown how ve'i. .
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Dhbryait cuifidflt my wsa hatt a i ibt dtiam. Prtety but astdowr sith tfra,e teh two fteuru inwitgr m'i ryelp keew tsnohm i abd tinnghki ttah sagrnilpi swa. Tinaoragdu ageddrin arnyctneuti i flet nad hmuc dastret so isrgunodnru nad delsuydn ntioycumm i ,pinioseastrhl. Adn wsa evol a am ibyradht nad elsvo chus ,sgcrotsimohn tbu oodg jyo-i- yb ylmfai dsteipe ym orduudsren be lautca t,hat iehrt to esfrind tihw me leifdl ebdless. Vhae i dna gntih ti & abyswrtrer ense was by aann teh ddi ,maem up reev yallutca dne avhing sritptete eodmemah swa i a it ,alnana ceka;. A sdmumi eusoh at endinr had uloisceid i. Erad eeltrt dan ti of sioenrv i trpaotnmi reew on veeyr recpefimt to ofr exstedi fro si stt'ha em hwo but acger uryo dan lysfme haev who ew bkca leeerctdf. .
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I ttah ni i ym hnet kiel ganhdec lefe ot i e'vi neosth, sllti eb nwok icsne ucmh tties!ewn od os eefl lilts im' ubt klie 1,7 dt'on i'm. Ot utnoc nsbiglse a eben wiyhms peek ebla ifel ni ym ttah l'li fo htat so ti emso "hlkd"ceili vie'. Bdtou meka meuorcpt lla did tnoi did ouy jmronagi wyh( dna of ti ,eys ?,)htat? mi' i en,egingeinr hitnsg cleloge ni. End oasl ollii)nsi peeedxct ubt crlnifesod htwa 'sit is pu ni ew lfei eth fo (i ym eth it ambey 'id os ghtothu neeb vreen exerienepc ntha iefnrefdt tetaesrg fo. Ddrvceeios so adh am gonwr sad nhs,gti iv'e hrad adn speorn as ydas i elryla nda vi'e hwo ubt a cumh. Sa si my up ndouf hatt ndwo ofmr reeiaslhpd and flsmey tsppinge na ougpr a adn iveystntrria nginfsihi utoyicnmm nirujo dende m'i ade-ecrliwh-h won eetitwtrbse i pu enve asllm nmaiagz ni eyar. Fnodu 'evi gollf-ine endrsif. Uemsrm aevh niensrthip pu lenid even )!; an otabu i teh het ofr rsag-llntihe. . . Hhe. Kwon chedlseu esple si if rtetbe 'tond any i my. Hntki dab pettry ttah t,i ti i ubtoa wno was aysalw. Meor up tydeilfein ot s'it a rggletsu wkea fo ayerl humc.
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Nfynu ettlre naiag edar iakgtsn rtdstae uosdlh tkgnisa, /rveyekeew ot uyo sthi ehtor i buaseec adh that ahhntg go thiw hewn utsj tkla sit' utabo yerev week i. Eryo'u infeerg it-gr-ith si. Ti oals arirneodglllb msfheran 'ive on!t itequ my up evbeile yr,ae ytlcaalu i kpcdie gdoo or tgteon. Be ago owt tuargi uatob dan tta)h du(o'y na tdeiexc iecltrce i smmuers ogbthu os. Ttha chum ratigu ton is my btr,tee etsal ubt ings'yalp tiaugr etptry my ta.
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M'i ltlsi secoru fo inrdgaw. Tsih fro awdr ndif !meti i dsoueit i smto of tah,ifrtg t'si raajnuy segsu ldos ym xieerecepn cinnneotov ti i teabdl apts dan to tra asw mtei hadrer ta hte to naiamzg my eht irfst rfsit btu. Dan ahtw ten aemd i veen ietsm ni ckba i utp odls tuo. Saw owh aayw i adn soeptvipru ocol yb neeveroy aws nobwl. -vaenge-ani otn uaolsbleyt do rokw fo ,nexieercpe it fi 1/100 luwdo swa a. Erhet swa esgien pnuttgi ym amder a lsemfy tou keil rowk on sydpial rute wno eomc adn. .
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To edis oingmc li'l unop oknw uyo xorvdteeter hvea i ym eglcole esrvdideoerc. Yamn os emt 'iev opleep cidbelerni. Fsrendi knwo hleiw omes orseht avhe dan my rof ceom ,eogn i flie are. Nad sma take aannal. Scsotel lrgi iton ernev uldow no oebecm ntoi owh dan i rna eth gmea a my otw uyg ohtthgu tgnhi isonntcdfa a etrset omadrn ebumstdl a i fo. Me ;rrtsvyiniate mhoe timucymon i ash sthi nydoeb psdeah fnnuldolayoiat ni yrtuliasilp nad dnuof dwsro. Sturth peihicdlpssi ghuorht v'ie os rdha nyma reednla. Vntoerasisocn uot gorsenrt moce hard adh edis adn eth 'vei tohre. Smane dlenera v'ie adn ym eb iecrodvs nda ot nwokn slwal to ti onk"w aynlfil ndow twah tel. I teh yaaw sa ot rair,lee " ncierysitu epeyltoclm gneo ashnt' ldaeuld. In oeicv em my sile ro ehad ayss hte ni hwat htat in eiv' rc,hist hwo ym edeiarzl htores ton tbu eecripev iidtetyn. And so, d,ovle tath rof okwn i ma i os i flrgtaue ma.
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Spu tuo on thorghu evne atlse ya,re kesad eenb hrcedsu ym and aosl i nda sneic fera), aifr leolceg nda diticnen shear troncami epr osdnw of neo ei'v eogn at(. Alesrev at mi,set htat. Tis' hlosoc dv'ouwle nto ,xetepedc gheniotsm hihg em uyo evre. Atth ot ,eayh adh rysaicct nsidetm when onigcm puno slhaiept?oinsr etarg taht eeclgol wkro nitdd' ew tsrdoaw rerbemem tuo. Ryae a us rof deden temi risagcrn untonltu,fyare glo,n pu srheafnm nlgo ew edalpe atht otni mesgtinoh. Otl no end ngol, asw my hte i inult asultf hutr of gpukincan d'dtin tseesrme rttsa nad so a dna i fro adeahms this. Icnse iewtc enafll but v'ie that ktnhi i. Ew of ned ddi oprug hobt was dclro-eea, 'im adn os taht btu yaclla)ut ifoecnsngs het ebmornev i oplepe areglftu eon ed,ecjert pu (my elrcfugayl aisnutoti ethos ltsa aeddlnh llmsa ot rfo awy. Hwti nlsgiefe otl tbauo eorsth ti ,now adn neve ttuhga w'ere ingturst vbreluniiltay crleso nad ym a me. .
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In trhgi a i stlil tub yug mi' onw eugrftla lenssegnis a to eaonss of yetlcunrr it, am giantkl and rfo. I ysa lduwo i imh ikel. Be 'erwe nto spnrrglisuiy meegtni ash atyursdh, 'llit thte-un-b esur dna fi evnorp nrgow catf oludc i nebe on ih--eyanwrne ti og gilivfg-eni. Who thta ,anpl tnurtsig derreursn nad ot swya ish tebetr glearinn o'dgs ear v'ei inem htna to nebe. Penpa,sh esegdarlrs thwa fo rucenrt tish mi' tuafelgr rfo ygu. Hatt ppusoes ees esphnap so or awth a i mtonh tihw le'lw ni.
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Alfimy ithw. . . Pecdcioaltm tis'. Ebne, vene aylwsa ti fi hsa indt'd yuo abck lzeiare it enth. Rlatee ot doaty ncgoim to acpknu hvea cferod ot owh rttyulofnnaue erthos of a usrht em tlo enev itllet goelcel i htat ehdspa. Iinbytrulleav of wthi a suesi,s tlo enmcthtata het srgsgluet. . . . Rofm ewer do owh siedra yteh we tesm. Mfyali bene teh tihw tuidlifcf to dan in uor moce t'is ot mstre krnensseob. Eomh gltsgeurs eb hsatt' eno tub geibtsg eynwhare i siht of trncure atth bene s-senlgeiznrioaa- trrahe the ouwld fo. Nvee a,fre cnrltoo ogd is n,the rt,uh fro dieres neghlai sloylw het nad. Oyka ym i of sveil elt rzdeelai go ot grpi atnw 'iev ot heav issre'ts het erov it's. Dtirh be eht nrepat ot d'ton vaeh i. Ycllutaa fitah ear eihtr ggwinro ni prtsane ym dan ahorondtpe. Whit tcaf tiehr nhugeo esssrit ttxe ghothu qlnere,uytf veen aseyr ot onw truly my eselsdb uceros 'ehetry ttsru im' tath fo me eth em adn ni gaengye/ttanes tslli. Ettlre be aselialb llwi yuo ,wwo( ega woert hte oyu hits oons weer whne. Tt'sha azrcy. ).
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I cfat, tlsli ma glkatni il to nfu. Thiab enrev geuss kedcki i i ttha. Listl hey'tre ckehc ipkenge em ni.
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'im ttha my rtongesr si veer htan ot potrer hifta pahpy. Adh ti ot hawt make ot evdscroi ftaih i lryale ym nwo namet ym. Athw hwo ihm ,etnh rospnieilhta sreddunnta ened neev i dit'nd uchm eezadlir tihw back natme ogd fi i a i. Ngnohit ggv-lnieiif ereespnc i htta rmoe eredanl tnah ilmspy dna sih rsh'ete ni gofciromnt rtgnies. Rdnieag reevy nipielsisdc soem up, kabc etrtsad iv'e ilek miogrnn ulsriiatp hte ebilb. Smaleu the nw!o esh' drae rhhotug ta fro ielbb been dedecdi to nda si't zrleaei lehow to lwhie ibryndilec my oogd eben this all i how d2n asnhpig hte oylaclichoglrno, leif m'i rdoinggnu. Ssel eht it obahrr hmi mtosmen i lkoso ineyatx tuurfe rfo i tsurt awht kown teh ni ot uaeebcs reayvedy like. As tne,h oyu itellt vnee eo--15ylrda tkahn fahti fo ckba the uyo a psets rof okto llams. Of how dpour nihtk v'ie eb 'uody i eomc far.
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I fo ot dan net,h nkwo felt kbac i'm eedowelrhvm wanted ays that so ouy uyo i utjs rdopu. Radh u;ot ngoig uyo ti you ti saw pekt gedhugt whne. Acsyr medese ot dworl sreu het nad su gib 'im. Illts somsieetm e,ods it. To at os atth akcb ehrwe dlilef invnooctic og rmfo i and llsti wiht is kool fra tehre aecm i'm i tub. Vneeuartd 'dogs nibcdeleri etg dna na si oogd, in to etrranp apnl i. Nwo neirtdffe 'uoyd lokso e,m aazedm eb elltti woh ta rfo me elif. Erpiaph but chum so m'i ,so. .
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Oipnt to rof thsi nietggt me ksthan. For ntshak up givgin tno. I oelv you. Atenhro okol ni slet' !rayse five ottgeehr akbc.
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Ycee,nlris.
The rftuue rmof ouy.
/502]62/[4.

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