A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Sicne shswo itb it 'ive tinkh i eubacse who nrgow esibnamgrsa) hmuc. .
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Was i taht bti itadm a itudifclf my adhirbyt. Rtpyte adb gtikinhn tub i itrngwi owt hsit frutue elyrp het was i'm ewek msonht fa,ret pnriliasg thta dwstrao. Os rurdusognin and gaoanirutd rasisetni,holp etfl i teyauitnrcn icmunyotm tasrted chum daiedngr dna udnysdel i. Tat,h iyfalm hreti a tseedpi tlucaa mtrcoonsgh,is --iojy nesidrf neuodrursd ovel by utb be ushc saw ym bhdriyat nda am eldlif htiw me sbdeesl adn gdoo ot lsoev. Ti a,aannl sene ertseittp ganvih aws & nad idd up vaeh ti aesrrwbyrt a yb m,mae i ned aeeodmhm nihtg i kca;e erve anan yctualal was eht. Suohe dha a uiecdilos sdimmu idnrne i ta. Ew on esrovin nad ot i eahv ptairontm drae dan gaecr ecrdetefl ofr si mlfsye cmpeeitrf rof ahs'tt em were ti owh of tbu cbka woh vryee rtltee royu seteixd. .
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Ym nokw inettse!w v'ei i'm snheo,t 'im nisce htta dnachge btu i do i sllit fele tlisl muhc be i elki os in leki eefl to od'nt ,17 hetn. A nbee htat blea ym hatt so hliedci"l"k it of flei ctonu ev'i hswmyi l'il ekpe ibnssgel ot osme ni. Utcopemr bduto did hwy( ni nad rni,ngeegeni mronjiag uoy of i nito it idd clogeel e,ys m'i ghitns eamk lal at,??th). Enbe loas life bemay of esfrdcoinl is in eecdtxep enfdfietr sgtterea i( huthtgo tahn epeeecxnir it fo enevr het ned htaw )nliisloi the so ew ts'i but pu my i'd. As ie'v rwnog nghtsi, muhc lrayle npesor ysda a adn adrh irvsdedoec dah i nda os dsa how ubt e'vi am. An ufndo odnw 'im her-eiwdlh-ca eayr tpnigpes aslml ym ephdlsiaer lsymfe sa sttrbtiewee rojuin now i taht orfm nda ucmmnotiy a is inaazmg nda veen rgpuo pu sivtyrtrneia nigfnshii pu deedn ni. Ll-goifne 'eiv dnufo ensdrif. Abuot for pu lnilthag-res liden umersm ;!) eth na eth ehva i eenv thnpirnies. . . Ehh. I if nwok my is no'dt trtebe hsedlecu plsee nya. Bda ,it ti ttha etrpyt tinkh alawsy was wno obuat i. Pu to akew rylea hcum orme usgrgelt of a etfdileniy 'ist.
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Snaktgi latk eekw ertho nhghat utsj ihtw to everkyeew/ doshlu hits etlert og iagan rade dsettra ni,sgkta i ts'i asbecue you nfyun ahtt eevry had nhwe btoau i. Is 'oyrue igir-t-ht eigrfen. Lbeivee ro i up slao evi' ueqti ngteot my ckpedi snhfrema lrbrndligoael it lcaualyt otn! doog ,erya. Nda oud(y' aitrug gobtuh aht)t eetdicx aubto umssemr na goa be i tow os crlitcee. Rbett,e atht tlaes iarugt is my my mchu tbu ga'yspnli pertty raugti ton at.
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'im rginwda sreouc ltlis of. !eitm nrceiepeex this mtos i fart,htgi ym baltde 'tis ubt dstouie ganamiz i to ifstr emti ti of and ncoveonint tar aws tfris to ta gsuse spat erdrha ym fro i ifdn hte anjuyar adrw het dlso. Kbca net hwat olds i aedm tou ptu in eevn nad istme i. Swa was woh nad yb bonlw i away neeveyro eirouvsppt cool. Of od wsa rkwo lduwo elybtlosau not fi 10/10 x,cneeeirpe -v-aneiaeng a ti. Ilek a my onw lmsefy pguittn was etru omce rdeam nda uto orkw no ldspyia trhee segnie. .
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Dise tetveeordrx nupo ll'i heva wokn i ym vcsedoeedrir cngomi to lclgeoe oyu. Oelppe ve'i tme so nmay riecibdenl. And ofr mose elfi rfiedsn nokw are shtoer cmeo lweih ym gen,o hvae i. Sma keta naaanl adn. Two nra owh a no teh ttrees adn demsbltu marnod ameg htouhgt otin a gilr i tngih guy dowul my of eernv otni i a tosselc itodfnscna mbeoce. Fnudo imutonmyc hspdae lonlaytnafiduo i has srdwo bnyode nad isht nierytistrva; ni plurilatyis em ehmo. Hrhugto psehpldsiiic shrutt yamn rahd i've daenrle os. Omec ive' seid tehro hdra and dha hte tou grstnoer arcnvioesostn. Twha ot be ev'i fainyll donw mensa crosedvi nknwo sawll it nad my dna "wonk tel to eealrdn. Aleduld aywa eaire,lr ot i a'thns the eemolcptly ictsunryei " sa egon. Ubt ym ni ydietitn ni ttha how the iv'e liaeezrd aehd slei my evpereic or me in rteohs ,tchris wtha ieovc otn ssya. Atth nda utealfrg for i i so okwn ledov, ma o,s am i.
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Dscheur a),fre and adn enve frai on evi' cntindie of sekda ups eahsr ,ayer eclloeg dnsow out i noe osal epr ym egno turoghh eenb nmtacrio (ta letsa dan sicen. Sim,et htta at eelsarv. Iongshmte vloeduw' ts'i ouy hgih nto ecetxpd,e erve em slohco. Nmdseti otu to wehn mmeberre opnu ogimcn cleelgo ahye, aospsheintlri? 'dtnid korw ahtt ew adh arteg taht toadrws cytscrai. Tl,nnortueayfu tmie long edden fmsanrhe ,goln rof ldepae rrnacisg yera otin us ew htat nogmetihs a pu. And i lot aahesmd for atsrt i kagpnniuc o,ngl os no tnuli of a ltafus my ti'ndd hsit dne aws rtuh mestsree nda eht. Thta i ietwc fallne knhit cnies vi'e tbu. Ew pu dcr-,eolae eht nda tbu lfrygucael m(y aslt remevbno i of saw snuiitato othse t)yalcaul bhto asmll orf oencsnfgsi freguatl plpeeo nde ttha idd uropg m'i oen t,eejcred way hlndaed so ot. Evne em re'ew nifglsee ym sgtrutin tbauo ti nwo, uhtagt whti baivtyluernli nda trehos otl a crsoel nda. .
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Lyrnctreu in ot a won lsilt nsasoe eltrguaf orf a i'm dan am isneglessn gkliatn i of gyu tbu ,ti ghtri. I udolw ekli ysa hmi i. Ggini-ivefl ti ovrpne naeyeinr-hw- nad rwee' dculo eb suer ctaf ay,stdurh gtimnee pnusrrigyisl ont if has il'lt no t-n-ehtbu go i bene ongwr. Isgtnurt ot a,pln are ie'v how to nad iangenlr htna sod'g neeb hsi tebtre wsya niem htat rrdersnue. Rselradges ep,pnahs of uyg fro ctrnuer mi' itsh wath altrgefu. Wlle' i thta ese a so npaphes ro thnmo in htwa ithw soeuspp.
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Myliaf hiwt. . . Cpladiotemc t'si. Ouy ddit'n nhet akbc nvee ti if it ,been wslyaa ahs laiezre. Nckapu toshre ydtao i vhae thurs rltaee ot ot leecgol ot eittll lto a that hdasep gcmnoi hwo eevn of corfed me nyultetfaurno. Rvniauyielltb fo a tsrulgegs lot teatcmnhat teh hwit sei,ssu. . . . Od tsem eyht ierdas how we eerw fmor. 'ist teh ot fialym onnsrbeeks mrest in tiwh to uor omce and bnee ldffuctii. Uwldo eneb ubt gigbset ywanerhe fo harret i eb oen hast't tshi ustrggsel teh reutrcn htta fo rea-osiszeglia-nn emho. Glaneih drsiee aerf, wsloly u,rht oclortn nad hten, ofr nvee dgo is hte. Dieleraz sit' gpir my i'ev ss'etsri ot go rveo elt ahve ot lsiev wtan eth koay i of. Idrth vaeh t'odn be ot neprta the i. Ym adn ni tlluaayc hriet tiafh onthpdraeo wigrong natserp aer. Rstiess i'm ryase ee'ythr nda tcfa eth nueogh entag/ynegaset txte em fo hwit rtyul to e,qernluyft ohhugt enve ni my usorec tisll sttur edbessl em ttah onw ehtri. Age erltte eewr isht lwli eth ,w(ow uyo uyo be laableis teowr enhw noso. Hatts' cyraz. ).
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Li nfu sllit to t,caf ailngkt i am. Uesgs i ahtt i bthia nreve kdecki. Terhey' epikegn isllt em eckhc in.
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To is that i'm otrsrneg pphay ahnt itahf my rorpet vere. Emak ahd my oircvsed won waht to ym to erlayl i netma hitaf ti. Tnema htaw i bakc a fi dog i vnee ht,ne i ndandtrsue dreaeilz eedn cmhu mih di'dtn wtih how rsehtniilaop. Dan roem ttah ifrgcontmo ldearen ilpsym hnat ni i teh'sre ish gl-ivniiefg espenrce tigonhn igrnets. Eht ikle up, mnnigro semo cbak pleciisinsd eveyr drgeain slritapiu 'evi dtstear ielbb. Psgnhia odog ofr at ot cddedie drgnnguio bielb hte my hte lal stih iehlw o!nw 2nd oghurth eohlw ilaezre 'tis hwo nolo,yoahcirgllc read i 'hse nda im' neeb ilbcndeyir iefl asmeul ebne to. It i ni eabescu ssle usttr somment kown mih hte vyeyerda i raorbh feurut eht tahw to liek yintaxe okslo orf. Ouy uoy cbak etlilt steps ahtif veen as ktnha enh,t amsll roya1--e5ld fo a rfo otok eth. Fo doyu' i eb urodp eiv' who mceo nkthi far.
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'mi wnadte ftel jtsu ouy fo whdroevleme tnh,e nda uoy atth so asy orpud i wnko i bkac to. You geduthg t;ou it ktpe drha wsa inogg when ti uoy. Dolrw mdeese 'im eusr crays bgi ot and su eht. Smoeseitm sltli it o,sed. Tbu go bcka ta ormf m'i ot lsilt thta i lielfd amce os si erwhe twhi raf nocivctoni dna i eehrt oolk. Detenrauv in trnarep si d,ogo ot s'god na get nerlbideci lapn i and. At em dfeetfirn ielf woh now dyo'u be lokos fro illtet zeadam e,m. M'i aprephi utb os uchm ,os. .
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Tish to fro nggttie skntha ntoip me. Fro pu ton iviggn takshn. Vleo oyu i. Onretah oolk bakc in htteoreg ivef ys!ear tsl'e.
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Nrsiceeyl,.
Eht fmro rftuue oyu.
25]4[06/2/.

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