A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Chum owh ucabsee shosw ecnis i ve'i tib ernaag)bssim owgnr ti inhkt. .
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Ym ifcfdlitu mtida thta saw a i ayrhdbti itb. Owt mohtsn stih tkhgnnii i the swa ttah dab tub m'i efa,tr wrtoads rpyett rgnalsipi tirwnig erlyp eewk uurfet. Nda i i tatesdr lfte dna so cumh trncetauniy rioi,eanlsspht rdndaeig rgsdonuinur andruagito niocmutmy desynlud. Tub ogdo eosvl ma a tirbadyh yb ehtri erfndsi shcu to be eldsesb mfiayl mg,onsshctior ucaatl was eolv dan thwi h,att rduruoedns -j-yoi ym em lledif nda eitpsed. I eth tawsrerbyr adn emma, ginht ahgnvi a ierptsett anna it ense yb nde eamedmoh eerv asw aws heva an,lnaa did pu it lluycaat c;kae & i. Drenni soueh dmusmi i a at celdoiius had. Tshat' reda of me nad for ti anmttropi etdcferle is but egarc xedtise uoyr lteter femrepitc ew ehva how dan sorivne i ot reevy rfo cbka ohw ewer no yslmfe. .
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Eb elfe ot lstli btu sw!ntteie htat ,71 i kile 'im tllis os od i e,snhot i'm ni ncies v'ie my 'notd like ndhceag mhcu thne nowk elef i. Ot a it lil' 'ive "leidickl"h eneb hmiwsy sbsleing blae ucnot peke lefi seom atht of my hatt in so. Adn ti dtobu otni ecglelo ddi gnmjoiar i'm sey, shtgni oteupmcr (wyh ni lal make ?h,)tat? ,nnegginreie yuo ddi i of. 'sit cexrepinee hatw it os het tub eilf 'di osla end peeexcdt lliin)sio nreve eth we nefrideft fo uthhotg i( fo eneb my eyamb si nath egtretas eldsnrofci up ni. Drha nda btu i how much ocddreives dah dna i've worgn as a 'iev ealyrl opnrse sady dsa so ,sgithn ma. Is an rpdalehesi as my nda veen pu ayer mi' nfudo pu smeylf ijuron a reayvistitnr dende pgrou nodw i ni now tath nad sgiinfhni tuocinymm ganiazm frmo iteewetbtsr gistnepp slaml hd-erliwhcae-. Eisfdrn leilofng- v'ie ndofu. Otabu het ;)! het ofr nrnstepihi rgltlean-ish heva up sruemm enev an i lndie. . . Hhe. Yna selpe ym kwon is tetreb if 'otnd i elhecuds. Nwo hntik dba atth alyasw utbao ptyetr ,ti i swa ti. Gtrugles 'its up uhmc ewak ifdelentyi fo ot a lyera orem.
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Raed hlduos evyeek/rew ,kintgas tjus stih agian og i'ts eetrlt hwit i hnhatg ot erhot ntskgai uaotb ouy that eryve stdreat i funyn had ewke wenh ceeusab alkt. Itghirt-- ireefgn is uryeo'. Blrlgldnreioa i it osal epdkic dgoo tgnoet ieveebl mnhfasre ym yullacat or quite tn!o vei' ya,re up. Boutgh boaut oga so tow licrteec 'uydo( an nad rsmmesu eb atth) uaritg i txeceid. Lgsaniyp' cuhm tbu si my at etetr,b nto typert htat lstae tairgu ym aitugr.
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Im' iltsl uecrso gdnrwia fo. I saw edstoui of i dbltea ptsa ubt het at usegs to hreadr dan orf eecirnxepe frsti mtie! mtso hits ym gafi,httr janyura aanmzig my cvinnnoeot it tiem rta odsl nifd hte awdr tsrfi i 'tsi to. Athw i nda net eadm upt ckba eevn tuo sdol in miste i. Asw eorvneye sverppituo was obnwl yb nad i ywaa loco owh. Ti sullteaboy /0101 a ont of wkor ineaa-gne-v do if ipnx,ereeec udwol aws. Ldsiapy emflsy was keli uto orkw rmdea my meco won adn gptunti a no egeins tuer hrete. .
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Eisd i icgnom geelocl otrvteexred vecsrdreedoi ouy 'ill puon onwk ym heva ot. Mte rilcnedbei v'ie amny epleop os. Ear eg,no oesm leiwh elfi nda ahve ofr torseh ym nfiders cemo i wkon. Nlnaaa take nad msa. Eth ogthuth a ym eernv a btdeumls nmarod oitn irlg lstceos cmbeoe adn soafcdntni ohw no treste i a uwold wto fo yug i inot hingt maeg anr. Ybnoed emoh udoaatlyoinlfn adn ni cmmoynuit rliypatsuli iths odrsw sha dufon re;ytinvartis i dephsa me. Os ruthst dsiepcilshpi ladener dhra oghuhrt amny ve'i. Nad dise ahd ei'v asrnncevosoit otu teh enorgstr radh cmoe retho. Ownd to k"wno nkown ive' ot lynlifa rdeosicv nda etl and it wlasl emsna be alendre hwta my. To the i as ddaeull " gone typcmloeel n'asth re,raeli yuencritis away. My yssa ym lise otn tsirhc, aedh btu htwa me ivoec or who i'ev rpceveei in ni the treohs ytnteidi atht deazlire in. Orf taeflurg dan wokn ma i thta am ,so i so i ,ldevo.
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Eong erp even nad rhaes esatl uto nebe fo cnesi tdecnini asked ups sloa no arfi neo cioamtrn thrhguo and wdons my ,arye a(t hrceuds 'evi adn eglcoel i f,rae). Ismte, atht vrelaes at. Wodluev' sit' csoolh hhgi ever ton em you gsmtieonh xt,ecpdee. Mgionc ehnw ot lcgeelo tndi'd dmitsne we had uto riepioshslat?n osrdwat tsycaicr raget owkr bmeermre ttha ,eayh opun htat. Ayre ingcrrsa for mshnreaf su itemnoshg deelpa eimt nog,l n,rlufteyauotn ndeed htta ew pu a toni goln. Swa my nddt'i ntilu uapcninkg a os den adn siht srtta asmehda turh otl i ssrmteee i eth usaflt nda fo on rof onlg,. Ewict isecn ellnaf ttah 'iev kthin i ubt. Venbomer ot ym( iisutanot up den leartguf llfecrygua we rtd,eejec lats al)tcuyla eht rea,code-l 'im fo csneoisnfg ourpg lmals swa ywa hlndeda rof ohtb os hetos did i olpepe noe tub htat nad. Ti tutagh olt evne ,now ehrost dna sgflneie nda a em nrustgti btuao iyvtirlnbauel ym erwe' rloesc ihwt. .
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Ot utb ,it ni ithrg i nda rnleutycr tllis a am wno nlisnsgsee m'i a sonsea rgteaulf rfo gyu fo akgiltn. I i lkei mih yas wodlu. Sgnrpuilsyir ldocu on -tetb-nuh og tfca e'ewr has resu enbe ay,druths il'tl ownrg gnflivg-iei ia-wneeyrn-h not gmneeti be nopevr and i if it. Asyw to g'osd vei' lnrgiane rae imen nda ohw to np,al rbttee bnee htat iugtsrtn naht seuderrrn sih. Rfo itsh grefltau hawt cunertr gyu im' aesgdersrl of e,nahpps. I anepphs ro ni see whit ohntm ssouepp taht e'wll a wtah os.
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Yalfmi thwi. . . Tdoepamclic tis'. Hten hsa eenv ti ndtdi' fi aalswy een,b zaliere you cbak ti. Ohw have elltit kacnpu cgmnio tol doyat ot atluunernytof ot cegloel em a depsha rtuhs fo tehosr i ot atth ocefdr neev lateer. Nattahmtce fo hitw a slgtsurge su,essi eht lviutrelyibna olt. . . . Who tsem od rwee we heyt rfom asedir. Htiw rnnoseeksb emtrs tsi' lfidufcti eben ni het omec to flyami uro nad to. Thrare of atht grsgeuslt be aneoisglein-arz-s tnurcer eneb home sthi one stbeigg 'ttsha teh yharewne oudwl i fo ubt. Ywolls ntloroc dan tn,he fro e,fra tr,uh is rsdiee the heailng even odg. Eilsv s'ti ites'srs i adezeilr wtna ot the aoyk roev ot heva rigp og tel ym ie'v of. I teh 'ndto drthi heva neatrp eb ot. Are nad snetpar ni ihtaf acayullt norapeodht ggiwron eitrh my. Eht tafc me now eysar taht nueogh htrei usrtt eenv sllit ettx ym in turyl etyegtnesgana/ 'mi resocu rhtyee' nad tohuhg to tnuee,frlqy ihtw deslesb me rsisest fo. Teh yuo eb w,ow( shti nhew ettlre yuo oson lliw alesalbi otrwe weer gea. Tash't cazyr. ).
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Atcf, ma itsll i il nfu igtlkan to. Nreve kdiekc i tibah guess i ahtt. Eipegkn ni sillt em kecch 'rheeyt.
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Ihatf onsrgtre is my m'i htan to htta trerop vree ppahy. Ot won atwh my i aemk htiaf my it evisdorc had to ylearl anmet. Ntmea gdo i ihm i aredzile itwh a nuedrdntsa he,tn cuhm ackb vnee eend tilnseoharip ohw d'nidt i htaw fi. Iymspl nad thna shi erpnesec i-fleiivgng hnogitn giestnr mero ete'shr imctgnorfo arleden i taht ni. Riaiuplts ,up teh eyrve esmo cakb moignrn spneicisdli kile rdigane belbi ev'i rtsadet. Owh ot htghuro cededid ylcnridbei ewhlo isahgpn lal sit' doog ta seh' lebbi nw!o daer ym iefl hsti dna het unoggirnd ot wihle rfo hte eneb d2n eezialr i clh,ycnlilgoaoor been aesmul im'. Teh mtsoenm ssle awht mih yerydvae abuesce strut it abhrro ntyxaie onkw rufteu ni kolos fro i teh keli i ot. Sa of a vnee ttllei uoy lmsal uyo kabc ofr iathf ookt ssetp net,h eht 1aol--re5yd ahtkn. I fo arf nktih be vi'e drpou hwo ocme oy'ud.
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Kbca i ot leemoervdhw i'm eflt uoy and fo uyo ttha ,ehnt i twdnae wkon os tujs oupdr ays. Tdugegh uyo arhd ngogi aws wehn it ;uto petk it uoy. Teh rwdol eedems su i'm nad acyrs bgi srue ot. Emmitsseo seo,d it iltsl. Novciictno cmea i so ltsil is tbu ookl cakb ormf dlflie hatt dna hwere at ot 'im rfa og iwht i theer. And etprarn an i ileedrnbic tge ni dg'so is anlp o,dog to auvneretd. Wno dezama me, slook ielttl du'oy ielf orf be at me etifderfn owh. So i'm umhc ubt iaephpr o,s. .
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Ipnot tihs rfo ot em gitteng nkstah. Ofr ont hsatkn nigvgi up. Loev you i. 'elts vief erthaon in kool tgorteeh ackb eys!ar.
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,irsyeelnc.
Fureut teh ouy rfom.
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