A letter from Dec 11th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I hope you are doing better, better than I am hopefully. I just wanted to say how I'm feeling right now so when I look back at this I just really hope everything is.. normal? (whatever that means) Today I sit in the library alone, well technically I am not alone since there are people here but alone as in I am here alone, doing my own stuff alone. Right now I don't feel good. You see I have always felt neutral about pretty much everything. I didn't worry too much about how I looked, how I dressed, how I smiled or how thin I was, at least back then a year or two ago. But now I do apparently?? To be honest I have tried convincing myself that I'm okay and that I don't care about what other people have to say about me or the way they see me as a person but I know deep down it's not like that whatsoever because it's hard. It's hard to convince yourself that you're doing fine when you aren't and it's stupid because you spend all this time trying to convince yourself but then every now and then you break down. You put all your energy into all of this and you're left with no energy to do other things. It is so exhausting to the point where you isolate yourself from everything, family, friends, hobbies and everything else. I think.. no no, I KNOW I put too much effort into trying to be the girl I vision myself to be. The girl who just doesn't pay attention to how people see her, the girl who has her **** together, the one that has above average grades (loll). The girl who makes her parents proud in everything she does. The girls who has life goals and plans for her future. I just hope you turned out to be that girl. But no matter what, no matter where you are in life right now, even if no acknowledges you and everything else that you have done, I'M PROUD OF YOU! (also happy birthday!) Love, 17 year old kat:)