A letter from Nov 14th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Writing this with tears in my eyes. Happy, anticipatory tears. Excited and nervous tears. It is Sunday, November the 14th, and last Thursday, our therapist told us we could possibly get a script for T by the end of the year. It was surprising, to say the very least. Going on hormones was not a thought I had allowed myself to entertain, because it seemed so out of reach. But now, learning how easy it can be, how accessible, it is overwhelmingly euphoric. But also very scary. We are ******* terrified of our parents' reactions to it. I don't want to start hormone therapy without being transparent with my family, as it is such a big change and will undoubtedly affect many aspects of my life, and I want them to be at the least aware, and at most involved in that shift. However, I think that hormones will make it "real" in their eyes. I will be changing the "natural order" and the body that they think they know, the same body that provides me with such vast discomfort. When I tell them, I plan on focusing on how happy this will make me, how dysphoric I have been since I was young, how much I wish I had their support through the years and how much that would've helped me with my identity. When I think of having a deeper voice, of gaining muscle mass and a more masculine/androgynous face, I get giddy. To be seen not as female right off the bat. I know I can't control how people perceive me and I'm learning to be okay with that, but god I would love to look in the mirror and see something I identify with. To not cringe every time I hear my own voice as I speak. To have narrower hips, prominent body hair, ***FACIAL HAIR!!!***, all of the things that I genuinely have been coveting since I was coming into my femininity through *******. I can only hope my parents listen with an open heart and open mind and with love for their child's wellbeing first and foremost. I'm terrified that they'll want to kick me off the insurance. That they'll disown, patronize, shun me, pray for me. I hope I hope I hope. I'm trying to stay positive as hard as I can. This change that I crave so badly being right there in front of me, coupled with a chance of it being ripped from my grasp before I can even take it, it's the most bittersweet of feelings. This is my trans experience, at least right now. I hope I hope I hope. This is what I want right now. When I read this in five years, maybe that will have changed, but right now I will pursue what I know I want. Either way, I will keep on pushing to be myself and to fight for my right to live how I want to, I will ******* fight for my god**** happiness. Because I deserve it. Even if it doesn't look like everyone else's. Much love, Gale. From Gale.