A letter from Nov 13th, 2021

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, hi future me. I don't know if you're alive to read this but if you are, i'm so incredibly proud of you. I am really struggling right now. I can't get clean, and I feel like i'm hanging onto life by a thread. this is a message to you to remind you to keep going. i don't know what life is like when you get this, I don't know if mom is alive, or if you're still in love with T, or if I'm recovering from my ED, and SH. I wanted to tell you a few things future me, then I wanted to ask you some questions. firstly, you need to reach out for help. if you can't fix it on your own you need to talk to our parents. they might send you to grippy sock jail, but to be honest, we probably need it. if I wasn't afraid of leaving everything I have so fragily built up I would check myself in right now. secondly, you need to learn how to set boundaries. i'm trying so hard to cut P out of our life because of his constant hate, and homophobia, and ******, and abuse, but I can't because D won't let me. the other thing I wanted to talk to you about was n, and p. have you come out to them, and if you have, are they speaking to us? I wouldn't be surprised if they just cut me out. remember to talk to t, alright? if you're asking which one, both of them. talk to both of them. a very wise fortune cookie told me that it is during difficult times when true friends become apparent, so remember to reach out. and remember, living isn't just going to school and singing at shows, and doing homework, and going to collage. its moments like the basement moment, when the world fell away completely, and the only thing that was left was us, just like when you saw her for the first time in a year and a half, and the first time you gave N a hug in years. life is the little things too. its foggy mornings, and singing in choir, and when we put the twinkle lights on the Christmas tree. if you can't stay for anything else, stay for that.

Epilogue

1 day later

you are so strong my darling, you are so strong. I am more proud of you than you could even imagine. I know you are hurting, I know how bad...

Utsh,r desnot' tlle teah ettrbe adn ahtt get ot it i ulclatomyatai its uoy. Vroe lses a nda lilett gsure lsse tnreuefq eiv' i arhm and uhhot,g eben hte cnela efls aencl nth,oms teerh orf fmro am eembco. Eoi,dsdrr buota dsidrreo tion as tish engati a gnaeti my raetf rof ertow ewnt enptautito ttrematne ouy uyo mthno. Uesgotth aws iefl ghisnt of one teh it fo yuro. Ohmtns a omm peurvipost you fo gfinhitg add ngegtit rof hpl,e enwr'te heret few caosntnt and was and. Yuo neo a you ot sootdcr fro to dan go soruh ot econ fiecfo rove the kwee, ehtpayr nad to oen 4 roupg adh tmnho no a ahd go. Of tyareph saw to ihgavn treha pothisal eaktn si,esus iennst ntaipietn oyur ouy tmdeatdi euacseb taiensd ermo satmol tbu an inegv got got uot nda ouy. An ereh oyu who otg asenro yklicul uyo erpttshai eth ear nazagmi datyo si noly emadn iyelm. .
Otg ylsy,paclhi ettebr tnaelmly but omm tno so. Ediisuc eayr erh dreti it ciommt ltak fo otu hda to ehs ot ew adn tlsa. Het noe was fo memtsno fo life it rou etsadrh. .
Ady rof su ot hte otmnsh erobef ofrebe duedpm t, oprm etdda 3 fillany nda ehyt ew sfednsoce ouy. Out otedsn' korw usrtn lerlya otu onlg tscniead. Rstdeha ttha teh tenva'h lal uatob hte gitnh si ti pukebra scine etdlak we. A a tols ew tseb nda rfielnidrg frndie so. .
Ti all fo but ohgtrhu atht edma ouy. .
Vain in and it watsn'. .
Raelly uyo pitr ycaaullt go crhoi no sti eht ufn dna. Uoy opdstep legefin fna,ti thgewi omts yuo lsot nda fo yuo irngae het. Ti amde nlwhdiirw oyu a fo lietnaycr nad j aws edpfshriin ihwt a neifrds. Uemsrm aplalytri ubt bhot nda ot weer a yuo hmet there arpst odgo adh dab godo arspt anstkh. .
Ehots lyeral tge ortntmapi thtsa lla tno btu tefra rey,sa uyo icdvo. .
Adn zangami popele uoy emte uoy go enht al stmo het ot.
Talauc i mvoie weke mnae tlfe na teh ilek. Blea ewek a nad t tower ew etg wdee b, dna ot nda of ragaeg pot piangkr thgetreo ofr a ,m asw eomsdk t gsnos z, no wtih. Htwi a lal to nraudo pdlyea uoy nhet etwn teh adn a torghub no all dna nda tgaiur we nda yovrenee nad tlsa hceab ibg day eaddcn kmdose mcius to het ewtn rndine. Lla of lrlaey feli setb it ym btu het were tighn was ew ihhg. .
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Iwht het obth so ,f kdi iagngnh l a dan ,k mande ewn uto m a ihottuw ghnangi trtsead uot ouy and lla weer r, oyu iemt. Netes dsaertt atrst oyu u,fn a teh fo nda tmei uyo frist lal leurgra rfo do shntig hignav hubnc noigd. Maernyo race u'eryo pu not of igytans mmo taignk. You to ni s,rtcak the iartn ianpkgr rcw eht dna nigog trteasd agrage. Andm ilek teh strta semko oyu lla ot eimt. Oru ta asteietrcg on eebuasc eedw tsi tcnuo'dl trifs we tge nsdha. Ykcthes isth hnet uyo tbu piagnrk gyu fmor in a tlo byu lalrye reckinam emos. Chctaes lselm uyo ni moro fo abeceus royu it stol enses dda yrou ihwt then tnca' rmof uoy ti ocidv you nda ryuo eslml. Oelv si dems veah si tet,iscaegr dewe a rof hicwh urse i hs on i hse' ym eh go rysto nyeixat ?dmse 'twno ulipiynsrgrs eicrpiotprns you mi ubt ton pruog wyynaa diewr ti? enif not iwht fedrin eh ifen adn hrtso so yadets nda eiv thta btu let de lnog w,ede baseceu whti eadtrd ithw tecoinin. Amnde setdrat eeinsg epnros lsoa l hist eyuo'v. Ubt dan rae 'oyreu ot iytgrn uyo eahstdr direw ilek lrlaye hemt thye like uory sgnhti. Erev oenyna od ekli nbee oyu thm,e iscne allrey tis hdar ot t keli but. .
Ad,b kssi adh hitgont it aws veer jsut and rtfsi tiwh it my i or doog l tasn'w. .
Eht edrsca dinlybicre andeelr aesm of emit ubt fo ti huohrgt i ta hatt sola all niycitam i ecrva lsoa iths am. .
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Ladgri,n so os oevl ouy i oyu humc are erbva. .
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Teher to velo yuo nad ,niogg reemmber ear htat eepplo owh eepk. .
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Huotgrh hnsigtmoe zedailer i lla of dan thsi. .
Mrfo umch if melysf owuld ceseeucdd os ni hrtu i sadev sfemyl i veah kginlil dah tuaamr nad. Nyma os but out on duwol misdse i gtnish vhae iaefbuult. Ti and i naaig cluod epiereexnsc gnaai ohtrhug teh eelf all bulfeutia og ujst lwoud so i. .
Eebmrmer tmnesaeb hwti the t.
Eht thlig whos daiylnsden wtih j bremeerm.
Hte thta hc,eab emermbre htngi nad. .
Dya uednr that hte teh dna nad strakc ni no pgkrina mrembere greaag the rtina berigd. .
Eermmber sinsgim bfuuialet uoy rheet elik nmya be olluy' so nda taht be osenmtm os hmcu shtoe otu if on elvae cuodl. .
Tnrgso ayts ndraigl. .
Thiw olv,e.
Satp dna c efturu. .

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