A letter from Nov 9th, 2021

Hi Shannae, Is your heart better now? You might laugh, unsure of what I'm talking about. You see, I'm currently going through heartbreak. Nicholas. You remember him yeah? The cute emo guy. Your first love? So, it's been 5 years, does it hurt less? Do you still miss him? Do you think about him still? Or, maybe, have you spoken to him since the day of the breakup? Or I guess what I want to know is; Have you fallen in love again? Are you laughing, maybe crying right now? "Stupid past Shannae. My heart has been broken many times by now." I'm scared of that. I'm scared that the pain gets worse, does it? I'm sorry for asking so many questions. You don't have to have all of the answers... How have you been? I'm sorry for selfishly unloading my worries onto you. Are you well? Are you happy? Are you in love, engaged...pregnant even? I want to be a mother so bad, I want a family. I want that love. Have you found that yet? It's okay if you haven't. I'm just curious. I believe that Nicholas is the love of my life, and I've lost him. I hope you find that silly. I hope I'm wrong. But my heart finds him so precious, I can't help it. His hair, the way his forehead crinkles when he looks up at me, his arms wrapped around my waist as we lie in bed. His ears...hahaha, God I sound pathetic, but his ears. They were so cute and soft. The mole on his left one. I know because I would stare at it while he drove... His whispers and the way he expressed himself - always so open, there was no need for me to guess his feelings. He was so simple, and yet, so entirely complicated at the same time. I hope you've learnt from me; to not become the softness in which someone can land. Look after yourself first. Don't heal others. Don't help them go to therapy and go on meds; don't be endlessly patient and kind and caring to the point of exhaustion. People leave. Just like he did, once he didn't need me anymore. Don't repeat my mistakes, okay? But actually, they're not mistakes... You can't help being like this can you? You will always help people. You will always reach a hand towards those struggling, even if it's your own worst enemy. This is you. I really hope someone has seen that - the love you exude. I hope you've met someone who doesn't take advantage of it, but returns all that kindness. Nicholas. He was beautiful. No one quite saw what we saw in him, but we did. He had a very beautiful heart. We both knew it. He was gentle. He taught us how to love, to be vulnerable, to feel safe. He taught us to take action and be strong. He inspired us, remember? It's funny because no one could quite get it - what did we see in him? He was just...him. Unapologetically. A bit of a mess actually; but always willing to be better. We helped him get better...remember? Do you remember the pain? Only to have him throw us away when the tables turned and we needed patience and support. But I love him Do you still love him? Please tell me no I hope you're not hurting like I'm hurting right now Be happy, let go, be strong... You will find someone who wants to marry you, cook lasagna with you, eat cheese and wine while it storms outside. Someone who holds you hand and walks beside you, not ahead. Someone who respects you - your boundaries and space, your passions and thoughts, how you express yourself. You will find someone who wants a family and a simple beautiful life like you do. That man exists. He's out there, wondering the same thing. "Is there a woman who wants this?" I know it. I can feel it. You're not heavy to hold, you're not broken. He told us that remember? But we're not. We CAN communicate, love, understand and we are worthy of gentleness... I know. I know that he was emotionally abusive. It's also scary to know that I would have stayed through it all if he didn't break up with me. I wouldn't have given up. I would have worked harder. Even now, if he wanted to take me back I'm not sure...if I would have the resolve to say no. I don't want to put my heart back into his clumsy hands again...but I love him. I hope you love yourself more than now. I hope it's easier to leave toxic people. You can love anyone, that's just who you are. But not everyone is deserving of your love. Don't forget that. I love you. I'll try be strong. Love, your past self. Xxx