A letter from Nov 9th, 2021

Dear Future Me, I have never been so close to ******* myself, and that includes the numerous times I actually almost ****** myself. I stick a *** in my mouth every morning and am too scared to pull the trigger. In the span of six months, I have lost everything I ever thought mattered to me. The man I loved left me for someone I considered a close friend. I dropped out of school, lost my job, my home. I struggle to exist anymore. There is no joy in my friends, in the hobbies I love, or in my family. I don't know why I felt the need to write this now, of all times. I did one three years ago and got a kick out of it. I'll forget about this letter a week from now, for sure. Maybe there's some chance that five years from now I'll be able to read this again. Maybe I'll have gone through with ******* myself before then. I don't know, really. I want to pretend. That there's any hope I could be happy again. That time heals all wounds. That I can read this and laugh-- maybe cry-- at how misguided I was (or am now). I want to be able to sleep with the lights off, and not have horrific nightmares. I want to get through a day without crying. I want to get through a day without sticking the *** in my mouth. I want to finish the things I write and cross birds off my lifer list. I want to graduate from college-- whichever college that is-- and go to med school. I want to fall in love and get married and have a pet parakeet and live in a beautiful house on the ocean. I want to play more video games with my friends, every week that I can. I want to be okay, and it feels so impossible right now. Yeah. I don't have that much else to say. I've said it to everyone that will listen, how much I want to blow my ******* brains out. I guess it's a little funny that the only person left is me... in the future. So, thanks for listening. I don't really have questions to ask myself (ourself?) or things to reflect on. Maybe this letter is enough to reflect on. I guess it gives me the hope that one day I can read it. Thanks. See you on the other side-- maybe. You (2021)