A letter from Nov 4th, 2021

Dear me. I don’t know who you are right now. I don’t know where you are or what you are doing. But I do know we are the same person. We may be different in many ways, but we are still the same. I want to tell you how I feel, what I think and how life has been lately. I feel like there isn't anyone who knows me. I feel like everybody has expectations about what I should do, but at the same time there isn’t anybody who truly cares about me. I know that mom and dad love me, but do they know me? Like they know a lot of things about me, but do they really know me. Do I even know who I am? They try their best, but they still don't understand me. This will probably be funny to read for you. Imagine how long it has been since. I feel like giving up. What are we even living for? There are so many people. Everybody wants to have friends, be with each other, and try to get a relationship. It feels like everybody knows what and who they want to be. I know it’s not a realistic picture of how it is, but it is still how I feel. I have know idea of what or who I want to be. I feel like it is a struggle to get through every day. I get tired of being around other people. I feel like I’m surrounded by humans. It feels like everybody, but me, has the energy to be with others. I get so tired. I just want to sleep. To be alone. To read books and think about everything other than the real world. I want to live in a fictional world without any of the expectations this world gives me. I feel like this boarding school isn’t the right place for me, but at the same time I don’t feel good at home. It’s not to sound ungrateful or like something is bad. I just don’t feel like our “new” house is my home. When I think of home, I think of our old house. I loved that place. I loved that when I went on my walk, people I knew would wawe at me and talk to me. I loved that I knew every corner of the house and everybody who lived nearby. I loved my big beautiful room. I know that I have a great room in the “new” house, but the old one was so safe. I felt like when I locked the door, it was my own world. I know that I’m probably just romantisincing it all because I miss it. But it feels like everything was better then. Is mom and dad still doing well. Right now they are both stressed to the point where they can’t hold things together. Mom is having so much pain with her back and taking a lot of medicine. She is sleeping a lot and trying to hide that she is having so much pain. She pretends that everything is fine. Dad is stressed. They both are. He tries to realex with his ipad. He forgets everything. He tries to spend time with me, but I don’t want to be a ekstra task to him. I feel like I don’t know what is going on anymore. I get the truth when it is too late. My brother wants to **** himself. He doesn't want to live. I can’t help but ask myself if it was my fault. I have been ignoring him for so many years. I didn’t want to spend time with him. I wanted to be alone. I blame myself. If I just had been better friends with him. I could have helped him. I should have seen the signs and stopped it from going so bad. I don’t even know if he knows that I love him. I have been so mad at him for so many years. I did not wish for a sibling. I regret that. I regret every time I wished that he didn’t exist. Even though I didn’t wish for him to be in my live and I didn’t like it for a long time, I’m happy he is here. I have so many experiences with him. I have learnt more from him than he will ever know. I hope he will be alive for a long time. I hope he will live longer than me. I love him. I’m ungrateful. I should change myself. I’m not enough. I could be a better person. You could have done better. You didn’t try enough. Put more effort into it. I’m so tired. I can’t sleep. I’m not perfect. I should lose some weight. Do I eat too much? What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t my body listening to me? I should be stronger. I should start training. She is better than me. I should study more. I should get better grades. Why couldn’t I concentrate? I should have done better on that test. It’s my own fault. I don’t know what I want. Am I pretty enough? No one likes me. I’m too much. I have nightmares. It’s just my brain getting the best of me. God, I’m pathetic. If I were skinnier everything would be easier. Why am I scared? It’s only a bikini. I should dress differently. But if someone asks me, then I’m okay. It's nothing, I’m probably hungry, I’m just a bit tired today. I just want to be alone. Can I just be alone forever? I have responsibilities. People have expectations. I can’t stand this madness anymore. But I will have to. I lie. They don’t know me. I say things that aren't true, just to be accepted. He isn’t real. She is not either. It's just my mind. It’s like a world I keep thinking of, just to get out of this one. I just want to live in a fictional world. I don’t feel like living in this world. I read a lot just to distract myself. I go on long walks, listen to loud music and work just too distracted. I’m scared. I want to stop time. I’m not ready for the next part of life. There are so many decisions. How do I know that I made the right choice? Why am I here? I’m so ungrateful. I have a good life with everything I need. I’m just not happy. I don’t know how to tell anybody this. Not even the ones that are close to me. I have so many questions and hopes for my future self. I hope that in the future I find some goals. I hope that you feel comfortable in this world. I hope you are feeling better about your body, than your teenage self. I hope you have made many memories. I hope you are excited to live. I hope that you didn’t give up. I hope you can say with confidence that you are happy. I know that I will never truly see the meaning with life, but I hope that you see parts of it. I can't wait to see who is still in my life. Are you still friends with the girl you were best friends with in the beginning of your teenage years? or did you drift apart? Are you still in contact with the teacher who taught you so much? If not, please tell her how grateful you are for everything she did for you. She taught me that it is okay to cry. I listen to my feelings because of her. She is one of the reasons I have hope. Even though she doesn't know the real me, she understands me. She listens to me when I need to talk and she tells me stories that I can’t learn from. “Don’t feed the dragon”. I hope you don’t do that in the future. with dreams from yourself as a 15 year old Ps: This letter got longer than I expected. I didn’t mean to write a letter for myself. It all started as a brain dump. I know it’s all a bit cheesy. Big words and stuff are weird. I just wanted to let you know how I have been. I hope you can see the progress you made.