A letter from Nov 2nd, 2021

Hiya me! Happy 18th. Right now things are rough. I haven't been feeling good lately. In fact, I haven’t been feeling really anything lately. Everything is repetitive and there’s nothing to look forward too. It’s all very predictable and I can picture my whole life laid out right in front of me. I’m super tired all the time, mentally. Physically i’m fine. I feel drained and I wish someone would notice. I wish they would notice the bags under my eyes, the lack of food intake, my raw bloody lips, the scabs and cuts all over my fingers, the cuts on my thighs and arms. Its a cry for help. More like a whisper I guess. In a way, i’m glad that nobody cares or notices because I like the pain. The stinging sensation. I like watching the blood trickle out. It’s such a relief because doing this makes me feel something. Sometimes I wonder if mom really cares. She’s been trying to get me someone to talk to because of my “anxiety” or a better word would be problems. Everyday that there’s school, I wake up feeling sick. I get so nervous and not just for school for doing anything that involves people or going out. I’ve already thrown up three times at school because of it. It seems to be getting worse. It was so bad one year I missed around thirty days of school throughout the year. I’ve asked mom to take me to a doctor because maybe I could take some drugs to help? And she told me that they do nothing and she literally takes prescription pills for depressions and anxiety. They are her “happy pills.” I had come downstairs one time and my lips had been bleeding and she was like “ugh, your lips look awful. It’s so gross. I can’t even look at you go wash them.” and so I did and I got some vaseline and when I came back she said “is this suppose to be trendy? God! It’s so unattractive you look so bad. They are going to get infected and I won’t be there to help.” I know some people have it worse than me and I probably shouldn’t even be complaining! Im so glad we have to wear masks because of covid. I wonder what other people would have thought if they saw my lips. I doubt anyone would want to kiss me. Now. There’s this boy in my class. I think I love him. and you know what I want this boy to love me. I want somebody, anybody to love me. So, I make an effort to look good maybe I do my hair, wear a push-up, throw on some revealing clothes, bit of makeup here and there. But why would it ever be me? It just has to be her. There’s this girl and she is actually really pretty. She has really pretty eyes and she’s confident. She has a really nice body as well. Her clothing style isn’t great but that doesn’t stop anyone from liking her. Then that gets me thinking. I have super skinny legs, massive thigh gap, no butt, sort of an hourglass figure, decent sized ******* for my age, great clothing style, good personality. I am a ginger so that is probably a turn off for a lot of people but seriously though. When is it my turn? Okay i’m done i just needed to write down all my problems and maybe if you ever get this you can look back in how pathetic your life was. I just need to be herd by someone. Anyone.