A letter from Oct 27th, 2021

Dear 40 year old M - Oh hey. You had this big expectation on your 35th that you'd have written yourself a letter and you did not. I'd like to not disappoint you now. Happy 40th Birthday! This day rings clearly in your mind as the day your Dad had a surprise birthday party at the Elks Lodge in East Greenbush and you begged to dance with him. It felt so important to get to dance with him. You don't remember your mother's 40th a few years later (you were probably an angsty teenager, or maybe it was less celebrated). Currently you are happy - and then also confused, and a bit at a loss. 35 has been a bit weird so far. You went on that trip with Keith to Oregon and it was good and a bit of a mess. I think sometimes you are a mess. I think most of the time it's really hard to get a handle on what you want and how to communicate it. It's like I'm an egg... or an onion... and I keep opening myself up, peeling back layers, trying to find out what is inside of this person that is me. I hope you have that more figured out, I'm sure you will. I'd like to think 40 year old me is happy. That she is making even more art! That she is still living in this house (you love this house). That she hasn't ****** all the plants :) That she gets to be a mom! I hope 40 year old me is still very in love with Keith. I'm not going to lie, but after this weird month it feels difficult to say that. Sometimes you get nervous, like this might all implode. Like maybe you're making a bad decision - a decision that neither of you will be happiest with. Mostly you think this because Keith wants to live near his parents, not be challenged politically too much (or will act passive about it generally), works a lot and therefore is often stressed out, and feels like maybe sometimes he has hidden feelings he doesn't share with you. Then there's all this dominance/*** confusion of recent. It feels like it isn't easy. Do I make things not easy? Do I ruin things? Sometimes I think I do... and then sometimes I feel myself apologizing for things I don't think I'm sorry for? I mean, it's so ******* confusing. Oh, this is not what you wanted on your birthday. I hope you see a therapist. Ok, M, rather than delete this (what you should do) - you're going to paste the other 40 year old email you began a month ago... and maybe call that a letter Oh hello,Happy 40th Birthday! 35 is around the time you got serious with Keith and bought a house. A time when you read A New Earth by Ekhart Tolle (or, well, haven’t finished it) and you’ve been in deep reflection about yourself. When I think about you, 40, I am actually so equally excited and scared for you. You’ve got all these hopes and then you think what if they aren’t coming true and nothing turns out the way you imagine. The funny thing about that is, 1. They definitely won’t turn out how you imagine 2. Everything will still be ok. I think opening this letter you’ll feel a little past this letter ritual, but I hope you still cherish it. I think in part you started writing letters because you were so excited for your future and your past in general. I am excited still, but I think there’s something yelling to me that it’s oh-so-wonderful to stay right here in the present. The only person holding you is the person you are right here in this moment (which consequently is the person holding you, 40 year old M, along with every other iteration of you… which is quite wonderful). So, fantasizing here, what are my future predictions!T he year is 2026…Is it bad that I’m nervous Trump is indeed President again? The tension feels too intense for this to not be true - and surely Biden is out (Go Kamala?)I do hope we’ve built better sustainable energy/environmental measures. Ok, back to October - other future predictions: kids, maybe a pet, life is chaos, married to Keith!, exhausted... still making art! You've done at least one more big mural? You are happy because you know how to hold yourself (xoxo) and you love yourself. Thank god you spent most of your 30's learning how to love yourself. All your friends are married?! Maybe Caite has kids? How is Bessie boo? Are Katie and Kevin still together? I hope you see Catherine more/still/talk often. Ok, here's what 35 year old M wants for 40-50 year old M... I hope you continue to slow down. The older you get the slower you like going. There is something so magnificent about appreciating the world. Something that feels so good when you pretend technology doesn't exist and you just go out into the world, into nature! You feel alive. You're so lucky. So find ways every day to appreciate that more, even if you're just listening to your breath and being at one with your car, with the walls of this house, with the warmth of Keith's chest. That's living. Oh, and then make that into your art and make a million bucks off of it ;) Good luck, I love you with all my heart, m