A letter from Oct 26th, 2021

i crave for kind words, praise, any words saying something positive about me. hearing positive things means so much to me. it's too rare. they make an impact. i realized i'm so ******* lonely. living alone and without a social life is lonely. only working shifts at the warehouse, seeing one friend in a week or two. i've been alone with my thoughts too much. but i don't feel like i have anyone to really explain my thoughts and feelings. i see friends so rarely i feel like they aren't close enough to tell these thoughts to. i don't have a direction. i don't know where i want to go. maybe i really should just travel carelessly, without worrying about the future. that doesn't sound like a bad idea, does it? first, we are going to LA in 29 days and i'll spend my 20th birthday there with these two friends, one new and one i got to know from school. i already hope i can travel more with them. i feel like i would feel much better about myself and my life if i wasn't so alone. if someone would tell me the things i need to hear from time to time. then again, i've never really heard those things much. my parents can't bring themselves to compliment me or say any loving words to save their lives. the only time i've heard my mom tell me i'm smart or strong or smth was when she wrote those words in a letter when i was fourteen. i cried instantly reading the letter. mom lacks so much as a parent. could i be a better daughter? why, isn't it her job to be a good parent regardless of what the child is like? being a good parent would probably result in a good child as well. i've always been independent. yet i'm scared of people, of other human beings. no one's taught me how to navigate social situations. no one's taught me how to get through life. "can't you do that yourself?" a line heard often. i'm uncertain of many things at times but i've never not trusted my future. i've never doubted that my future would be brighter. i think i just intensely live in the present, in the good and the bad. i had totally forgotten that this pandemic isn't the normal. this period of time that i've started becoming an adult, isn't usually like this. it's not like this for people becoming adults in other times. i had forgotten that the pandemic has changed everything. someone said that things will get easier in late 20s because that's when the brain has finished developing and that's why everything will feel more clear and chill. i wonder, is this true? sounds logical. and it sucks