A letter from Oct 25th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, it is a sunny October morning and to be honest with you, I really don't feel like doing any work for university right now. Having the mondays of this semster feels like a blessung, but I had a weekend seminar about gender studies the last 3 days and while it was a lot of fun, it was also exhausting. Last week I realsied that I have actually been studying for 2 full years now. That sounds absolutely crazy to me. But there is still some time to go. Changing majors was a very good decision for me and my mental health, but it also means that I'll still be studying for another 2-3 years. I sure hope that we are finished with our Bachelors degree by the time you read this. Did we start our Masters afterwards? I currently don't think I will, but who knows where time will take me. 5 years from now seems like a long time. You are 26 years old. 26 sounds so grown up. Are we grown up? Because I don't really feel like a grown-up right now. As you know I tend to overthink everything. I used to always have a plan for my future, but I've been trying to limit that lately. I am an absolute pro in stressing myself. Planning out my whole life is definitly part of that. But honestly, that just does not work out. If you had asked me where I would be today two years ago, I would have assumed I was still studying chemistry which I am obviously not. And social work is just a completly different field to that. How could I have perdicted that? I could not! Nevertheless, I have a few ideas and wishes for my future. I really enjoy the idea of working abroad for 2 or 3 years after finishing university. I don't want to go straight back to another degree and doing my masters and actual practical work as in a job would be great for me. I enjoy the idea of going back to Ireland or maybe going to the UK for work. I think I prefer an English speaking country. I'd would be great for my language skills and it feels less scary than going to a country with a language I don't or only barely speak. I think I want to stay in Europe for that, but the reason for that is probably also my desire to feel safe. Going very far away from home is just terrifying. Maybe that is the exact reason why I should do it. I'd like to be more spontaneous ocassionally. To try things that I typically wouldn't do, get out of my comfort zone. How are things going in the relationship area? I do not think that I want to have a romantic relationship, like ever. I don't get the appeal. I am afraid of being alone, but I don't want romance right now. It is still exhausting. Why do people care so much? Why do I have to justify myself about this? "You just haven't found the right person yet." Well, I don't think I ever will. People also tend to assume I am straight. They always ask about possible boyfriends. I currently do not identify as straight. I am ace and probably aro and that is great. But still very exhausting. Are we still seeing our therapist? I have been going there for 5 months now and I like to believe you do not anymore. 5 years seems like aa very long time and I sure hope you are doing a lot better than I am now. At the same time the thought of not going to her anymore at some point in my life is scary. Who will I talk to about all the things in my life that I can not figure out on my own? Mental health wise I will give you a few hints as to how I am feeling and doing at the moment. It is a constant up and down for me. I have really good weeks, followed by bad days and maybe even bad weeks. They are mostly triggered by small things that make me spiral down. It is incredibly difficult to work through most of the therapy topics because they are related to so much pain. But I am glad I am going. It has been long overdue. I hope that you are able to work through those topics, that you can life without the pain I currently feel and that my triggers are not your triggers anymore! I don't really know how to finish this letter to you. I hope that you are doing well! I love you and I am proud of you. No matter where you are in life right now and how you are doing! You are wonderful and you deserve to be happy! I hope that you can believe these words because it means that I will believe them! I love you!