A letter from Oct 24th, 2021

Growing up, mom was always a voice of concern and doubt. Her own anxieties were often projected onto me. "You will never afford to live in Vancouver," should tell me. "Moving to a new country is nearly impossible to do," she would say to me when I spoke of moving abroad. "You should seriously reconsider joining a gym, they are impossible to get out of once you're in!" she would exclaim when I mentioned wanting to try something new. She was right about that last one, gyms are really out here hustling. But the word 'never' holds some serious weight, and so do my thoughts lately. I feel like I grew up never being able to fully commit to things out of fear. I have weird financial anxiety for a girl with no debt and a fat bank account. I do math in my head at restaurants when deciding what to order. So rarely do I order what I want, instead I find myself choosing the cheapest drink/meal combination. What's an appetizer? I never order those. I could never! How could I ever afford to pay rent if I ordered calamari before my main? I say this in a joking manner but I'm not really joking. It's kind of pathetic. I resent my mom at times for the way that I am. I look at other mother-daughter relationships with envy. I know my mom loves me more than there are stars in the sky, and I know she would do anything for her kids. It's taken me a long time to understand that you can love someone and simultaneously disagree with how they've raised you at times. In the same way that mom can love me and disagree with how I am going about my life now, as an adult. So I say this as confidently as I can, I love mom but man I wish she had done things differently. I would die for my mom, but oh my how I wish she had raised me to be more confident in myself. I adore mom, but my god I wish she had spent more time encouraging me to try things out fearlessly. I wish she had said, "Honey, life in Vancouver is expensive. But when there's a will, there's a way. If you really want to do this, I know you will make it happen. And on the chance it doesn't work out, you can come back home." I wish she had said, "Moving to a different country is difficult. It's hard to acquire a visa and it's hard to acquire a job, but you haven't stopped talking about Scotland since the day you came back. If it's still on your mind, give it a try." I wish she had said, "Growing up I had financial anxiety and I can tell you have some as well. You are so good with your money, it's okay to take risks sometimes. Especially low-impact risks like joining a gym. If you lose a couple hundred, you lose a couple hundred! You are in a position where if that happens, you will survive." I love mom. I love her more than I could ever express. I can't quite put into words how much she means to me and how lost I would be without her. None of this takes any of my love for her away. I think I just needed to write it out, to feel it. So it seems as though I have some unlearning to do. Good luck to me.