A letter from Oct 20th, 2021

Dear FutureJ, Let me tell you my (our) current story: So, I got rejected AGAIN for the Team Leader maternity backfill position, my gosh, this phrase “maternity backfill” is starting to feel like trauma triggers for me. Most likely, this leadership sh*t is NOT for me. I tried enough times and it’s plain obvious, that I just don’t have what it takes. Blame being painfully socially inept with a tinge of ADHD and Aspergers. Hmmm, just thought that “lived experience of disability” probably buzz words to add to my next cover letter. Anyway, back to the current dilemma before I was rudely interrupted by this Assburgers: the thing is it’s not just I was rejected, but my direct kouhai was beat me to this position. Not that I don’t think that she didn’t do an awesome job, because I think she did and she would, plus if there’s someone who matches my work ethic, it will be her. However, the Asian in me, yeah the East asian in me who lived in Japan and China, and has a legal Japanese name and has Chinese blood in my veins, feels like I have been slapped and spat on the face. Imagine, kouhai will be supervising the senpai?? 😮‍💨 I thought of several knee jerk reactions, went to Seek and Linkedin, but then felt exhausted just thinking about my options. It’s not easy with a young family and being the only bread winner, I am not as flexible as I would have wanted to be. I don’t know whether this is why I am easily exploitable and vulnerable. I am desperate and I cannot really complain no matter how sh*tty people treat me. If there is a choice between being a doormat or going hungry, I’ll opt for the former. I am sad, frustrated and ashamed, actually more of humiliated, but I cannot really let it get to my head. At the end of the day, I still need a job, I have mortagage and bills to pay, children to feed and clothe, hobbies and activities that costs money, and pride unfortunately is not a payment option. If only I am single, white and more privileged, I would not hesitate to resign, but I am none of those things. I could grit my teeth, swallow my pride and just pretend that everything is fine and dandy, although it doesn’t take a genius to decipher me, given I wear my heart on my sleeve. I thought of maybe just to save some face, I could request to be transferred to another team to minimise awkwardness of being supervised by a kouhai. I could cite some Covid19 related excuse, and being closer to family, which are all valid reasons to move to another team. However, it won’t change much, I am still a big fat pathetic loser who failed repeatedly to achieve the most trivial dreams. 😣 ok, that’s like a line from my ******* Avril Lavigne/Greenday-angst days. The truth is, it’s not all bad. Of course, considering the lost of potential higher earnings, and career progression, yes, it sucks big time, but crunching the numbers, any pay rise for me just renders me with higher tax, lower Family tax benefit and supplement, and more expensive daycare and afterschool fees. Essentially, I would probably make $20 more every month for a job that has more responsibilities, head ache, and less flexibility. If I can work from home 1-2 days a week per month, then the fuel saving simply nullifies the extra earning. Moreover, one of reasons why I wanted to get a higher position is so that my children can look up to me to be someone they admire and would like to emulate. So it’s hurtful that my children would not have that parent that they can be proud of. But maybe just maybe, spending more time with my children whilst they are still young is not entirely a horrible idea. Granted, they probably would not be inspired to become an MP (given their mum cannot even secure a leadership role), but they can still have meaningful and happy lives. After all, they are all Aussies, for gods sake they can become plumbers and still make 6-figure salaries, not that it won’t kick-off my first stroke when I hear the news that one of them would do trades, or my second one when another cannot finish their Masters. Going back to the topic, yes, it’s not all doom and gloom. I realised I can still make meaning of my life. I can still set goals and achieve them, they just may not career-related goals. I can pursue my language fluency goals, take Hsk6, I can run a marathon, or break my 10km PBs, Or have another baby (nah, I already took the pfizer vaccine). Speaking of the vaccine, after taking it, I need to focus more on my health given I now have higher disposition to cancer. I guess acceptance is key to be happy. Although to be honest, I’d rather be successful than happy. Jj