A letter from Oct 19th, 2021

Dear Future Me I hope you are well and receive this email. I'm currently sitting at my desk, trying to write my matura paper. I just came home from beautiful holidays in Italy with our friends, which might as well have been my last one, who knows. Well, for a matter of fact, I'd probably know if I managed to figure out what to do with my life. School ends next summer. And I'm still not able to think further than a few weeks ahead. I don't get this life. How do people actually get happy? How are people not overwhelmed by the intensity of their dreams they're not able to live? I want to live by the seaside somewhere. I don't need a lot of money, but I want a dog, and I'd like to be with someone who loves me. This is what's currently in my head. Freedom. But none of my dreams ever contain any actual form of working whatsoever. If I want to go to uni, I have to decide soon. If not, I have to find other options. There's nothing that I want to do, and it scares the **** out of me. I don't know when I've actually been happy for the last time. Is there even something like genuine happiness? Maybe I'm melodramatic, but when I think of the last times I laughed, they seem like a distraction from feeling bad to me rather than pure happiness. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But I don't wanna keep going. I really don't. I don't see life getting better. It's a constant struggle of self-hatred, confusion, worry. I feel so lost. I don't have any dreams or aspirations. I hope things will sort out over time, but I don't know how to keep going until then... So if you ever receive this, I genuinely hope you're in a better place. I want you to be happy. I want you to be confident about the choices you made. I hope you found a reason to keep going. Love from 2021, Jo