A letter from Oct 18th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I read Kurt Cobain's suicide note, and it really left me wondering... is it actually better to burn out than to fade away? I guess it's kind of like... is it better to live a good, exciting life, exerting all your energy out and burning out, or is it better to live a safe, risk-free, monotone life and fading away? There is a clear winner here. I think most people would want to go with the first option. You know I am really thinking of ending it all. There is just nothing to live for anymore. My family doesn't even know me. My parents are always yelling. My siblings are so far away and I haven't talked to them in forever. Overall, they are all so traditional and conservative-minded. I wish I was born to a liberal, open-minded family; all my problems would go away. I am really upset that I am only allowed to go to college in Egypt. I hate Egypt. It just feels like why am I working my *** off right now if I'm only gonna end up in a third-world country filled with poverty and depression? It feels like wasted potential. I know I am better than colleges in Egypt. I know I deserve to go to an Ivy League school. I don't even know what I want to be when after I graduate high school. Well, actually, I do know. I want to be a pilot, but my parents won't let me. I want to be so many things but my family's in the way. I am thinking of just doing the riskiest things for a couple of months and ending it all in the end. I know I won't do it but it is nice to fantasize. Oh well, whatever, never mind.