A letter from Oct 18th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I am currently writing this in school (period 1 entrepreneurship) and I don’t know why I am doing it here but I am this is just going to be a brief overview of life as it is now so here. I am currently a 16 year old male attending High school(junior) who is trying to get his academic status back up so he can feel comfortable to apply for Yale after high school I know it’s a long shot but the only reason I am attempting this is because I just joined the speak and debate team and I think I have found my passion which is debating and I have come to this conclusion from all the debates I’ve watched and had on social media and it genuinely interests me more than anything to this day but that’s where I am at school wise also my current gpa is unweighted-3.2 and weighted-3.3 and it was a 3.8 during freshman year but I didn’t do to well sophomore year because of online schooling and at the time haven’t discovered debating and had no plans of even applying for colleges. Now life I am currently in a very bad mental state and our mother is a terrible person who is narcissistic and avoids accountability every time she is confronted with an issue, I have thought about ******* myself about 7 to 10 times and have actually attempted 2 times but what stopped me were kamille and the pain that would come right after from either stabbing yourself or trying to slit your own throat, sense I lacked attention as a kid I sometimes fantasize about being in terrible conditions which with those would bring me the attention I needed as a child that would have helped build my character also I think I have a lot of mental health issues like a lot and I sometimes have very like VERY bad thoughts that aren’t mine and of things I would never actually do but they keep popping up also before I give off examples I just remembered that I thought of ******* my step dad twice first was stabbing him in the chest while he was sleep for physically abusing my mother (which I know hate because she is a really terrible person who neglects her children and abuses them physically and emotionally) and the second would be from him food which I used DuckDuck.Go to look up how to make a poison deadly enough to **** a human and with this I planned on poisoning him and around these times I was about 10 or 12 we never had a very good upbringing now for examples pedophilic thoughts , ******* people, and very intense and gory self harm I don’t want to have these thoughts but they keep popping up and so I just let them be but every time they do pop up I have to remind myself that I am actually not that type of person.I am trying my best to get rid of all my wrong doings and bad memories but I have no time to spend by myself plus venting to myself doesn’t work for me anymore I’ve done it to much all it does is make me come to a realization of having the thoughts then just letting them sit there while I experience the emotions I associate with them which are all bad at this point in life so just want someone to listen to me or have someone to all to (in this current moment I am thinking of one day showing this to someone in a better life where I don’t have there mental issues.Also I think I am afraid of the future and failing in life because of the expectations that I have put on myself which isn’t good to do but now I can’t let them go and constantly stress about them I have a lot more to say but I feel as a am venting to much now so I’ll wrap it up here. Well all I have to say is I hope that you are living a better life and don’t make me disappointed I honestly hate living like this and not going to lie suicide seems like a very nice thing to do I just don’t want to be here right now and feel I am not good enough but I just have this second image of what I show people of where I am fully figured out and have no issues which isn’t true at all but bye.