A letter from Oct 16th, 2021

Hello, to be honest, I don't know why I am writing this tonight, or at all. I was thinking about where I was almost year ago and realized I am falling into the same trap twice. I nearly did not make it here. last December could have been truly my last December. however, I told myself to make it through Christmas and new year so i didn't ruin it for anyone else. then i started thinking the logistics of what i was going to carry out. who would have found me? I couldn't leave my sister with that final image of me, dead on my bedroom floor. Or my mom. I didn't want to leave that with anyone. How would I do it? there was bleach in the cabinets, tylenol in the kitchen and a knife in the drawer. then i started thinking about my dad, who wouldn't understand and probably blame himself for the rest of his life. i didn't even think about my friends or school. I didn't do it because i didn't want to ruin Christmas for the rest of my family. my dad had just buried his father, he couldn't handle a daughter on top of that. I then thought about all the things I hadn't done yet, but did i really care? I had a few things left unfinished, places I wanted to go things to experience but fully kept my feet on the floor (as dumb and cliche as it sounds) but I wanted to see Harry Styles live in concert. It was winter break, maybe three days before Christmas and my entire ****** up family was in the house, that's when i thought all of these things and truly considered it for more than a minute. I do not want to go back there, ever. yet i am sitting here on a Saturday night (October 16th) and the same thought crossed my mind. i feel sick and selfish. I don't know how to ask for help. I'm barely eating anything. i am barely getting by right now and i hate it. i am supposed to be in the best year of my life yet all i want to do is ******* die. my stomach hurts, my body aches thinking about going back to where i was. i feel full panic at the thought but i don't know how to stop it. i feel so alone. I have changed one thing since last year, ******* myself is off the table. it would leave my once perfect and organized life a ******* nightmare for everyone i loved. I didn't want to be here, but i cant do that. Now, i have realized that once I leave here, this has the potential to get better. i could feel okay again. i just need to wait it out. just a little longer. maybe one day i will climb mountains and backpack europe solo, only time will tell. On a lighter note, even though right now it may not feel like it, i know i have come so far. I have tried so many things and had a little taste of what my life could look like, I'm not ready to give that up just yet. i hope i make this life worth living. love ava October 16th 2021