A letter from Oct 11th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I don’t know why I am writing this at midnight, but I have come to a thought that maybe you will have the courage to end everything with life after you have given your parents a wonderful life, your friends a friendly hug, your dog a treat and a belly rub, and your life a peaceful sight. Living throughout these years has been remarkable despite the pain I never know how to express. But, I always knew that something wasn’t right about me – the way I am too pessimistic despite the great offers that life gives me? Or I am just an ungrateful girl pretending to be the victim of this hideous life? What remarkable thing I should do to feel at peace with my soul? Should I pretend to be happy with a life I am too anxious to wake up to? Just be tremendous and smile like everyone else would have? Because I’ve always felt that I was just too much. Seeking help is just right in the corner, but I couldn’t even get a grip to walk by. Maybe, if there were enough reason, I could do it. I am living day by day as if I am just accumulating my emotions in a bottle. Once it is too occupied to bottled up some more, it will eventually break. I am waiting for myself to fall. I hope you are well in the future but maybe not too well.