A letter from Oct 9th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, who are you now? Where are you? How are you feeling? What do you see? What do you hear? You're so far away from me. I'm 24, you're now 29. Where did those 5 years bring you to? I hope you're doing okay, I hope you're at a place where your mind is at peace. I'm not feeling well, haven't been feeling well in a while. My mind is so loud, overthinking is consuming me, negative thoughts are belittling me. I just want it all gone, I want to be in the presence instead of dwelling on the past, instead of creating myself a fake reality just to feel the comfort. I want you to experience real things, I hope you have experienced them. All of what's been in my imagination only so far. I don't know where I want to be, I don't know where do I belong. I hope you figured that out. Right now I'm writing this in my room. It's almost 9pm, I'm listening to this quite mellifluous song called 'I'm dreaming' by INZO, you should put that on too. I want to tell you what I'm thinking about. Do you still remember Mr. A? Is he still around you? Things have faded away between me and him, but I still find it tough to break through that illusion that I've been stuck in. Are you still capable of feeling that much? The amount of feelings I had for him was overwhelming. I did things that I wasn't aware of being capable of. Can you still do so much for someone? I'd like to think that you have finally met someone real. I want to hope that you have finally experienced those things for real. I'm talking about how it actually feels like to love and to be loved, to care and to be cared about, to smile and to be smiled at, and to sigh out of happiness. But most importantly, I want it to be YOU. I want you to feel genuine love for yourself, to care about yourself, to smile at the reflection of yourself. Only then you will be able to actually feel it coming from someone else. Only then you will be able to believe in them. Mr. A liked me, I'm pretty sure he did. Though things have faded, he still keeps reaching out every now and then. He thinks about me. Do you still remember those drawings that you did for him? I hope you didn't give up on art. He was my inspiration, I grew so much as an artist with him being around. I find it difficult now to create anything meaningful, but I have a hope that I'll break through that block. I'll do my best. When I think about you, I like to imagine you being a professional artist. I like to imagine you having a separate corner for art, your pictures hanging on the walls, your pencils all over the table, the table light throwing a shadow on them. Mr. A liked my art, he would always give me those long long reviews that would praise me and criticize me at the same time. I never liked being criticized, but it never bothered me all that coming from Mr. A. He knew how to do that in a very subtle way. That was one of the reasons why feelings bloomed within me. I never truly knew him, the real him. He was open, but kept his distance at the same time. He would take a step toward me, but he would then take two steps back. Sometimes he would dare to get more closer, especially at times when I would feel like going away. It felt like a game, but there was never a way to win it, only enjoy the process of it. I want you to know that I haven't found the way out either. Perhaps because there's no one else being there for me? Perhaps the game itself is too comforting to leave. I want you to remember that your own happiness is something that matters. Please don't get stuck wishing for something what's not certain to happen, focus on the things that have a clear way toward you and you toward them. Don't chase for something what keeps leaving obstacles on your way to it. They will find their way to you if they'll want to, they will clear the way for you if they'll want you to come. I hope you're someone who you're content with, I hope you're at a place that brings peace to your mind, I hope you have a smile on your face, I hope you see the beauty, I hope you hear some another mellifluous song, and I hope you heard me out too. :)